SS destroyed his room last night

[SkinTotal]

dP has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He isn't his bio dad, his mum gave birth when they were teens (17) and DP has been in his life since then and eventually adopted him. His dad has never been involved.

We got together when he was around 8, he still had regularly contact although ex was jealous of the new relationship (even though she left DP) and caused issues. Then she ended up meeting a new man and relocated 2.5 hours away just before he started secondary school. She refused to travel halfway so DP did this EOW, he was looking at renting a place there so he could have him during school time but it wasn't feasible with finances so he only saw him at weekend and holidays. When he was 12, his attitude changed and we thought it was typical moody teen etc but he started refusing to come as often and eventually stopped altogether at 13.

We found out he wasn't going to school and his mum was letting him do whatever and we did report to SS but nothing came of it. DP sent presents for birthdays and Christmas and money but he refused to see him which did hurt DP.

Things seemed to have got worse over the years, heshould be in Y11 but he hasn't been since the first term of Y7, he makes racist comments, stays out til all hours drinking and smoking, apparently he's always on his phone and discord and watching violent porn somehow he got around the ban. His mum has contacted DP and he told her to contact early help and apparently they were useless. This was last year. DP had been trying to see him regularly but he refuses to do anything with him

She's now with another man and has gone away with him and wanted her son to come here as she doesn't trust him and he isn't invited on the holiday, he came here Friday night as she was going on holiday yesterday and she's “done with him”

He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood, I'm pretty sure he'd taken something, not just drank. This was about 2am so DP went into his room and told him to be quiet as he was crashing around. He threw his phone at the wall and then picked up a lego set that he and DP had built together in the past and threatened to smash it, saying he hated DP etc. dp just stood there and don't him to do it. He did and after he was saying “now look what you made me do” “this was your fault” similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense. He eventually fell asleep and today he's been totally nonchalant and said none of it happened. We're lying etc

I really don't think he should stay but DP Says he's his dad and can't just abanon him like his mum has and I know he likely does have some issues whether its MH or other.

DP plans on taking SS to work with him though I'm unsure whether he will even agree to it tbh.

He's so.. Argumentative. He accused me earlier of trying to poison him so he didn't want to eat the dinner (the rest of us were eating it so definitely not!) and when we didn't really give him a reason he said “he'll just have to starve” and walked off. I don't doubt he has MH issues etc but I don't see that we can help him

The poor baby needs a cuddle. And a heart to heart with his adopted dad. What happened to talking things out with kids

The poor baby who's now accusing OP of poisoning him? How is a cuddle going to put that right?

Good good. This place is insane sometimes.

I should go to bed.

See in your situation I would see what he said as being like something a much younger child would say to their parent.

He was trying to put the blame on his dad because he doesn't feel like he has any control and he wants an adult to take responsibility.

Yes, he has been able to do what he wants with no barriers, but that isn't the same as having control over his life. The kid needs some rules and the knowledge that there is someone there who loves him irrespective as to whether he follows them. The opposite of what he is used to where nobody gave a shit what he did.

It's going to be tough but good for your DH being willing to have a go. The boy doesn't have many people on his side.

He needs a reliable adult who is a decent parent and loves him. To be studying, in a routine, quiet home life, nice room, no worries. He’s not had that.

He's not a baby - he's an angry teenager who drinks, takes drugs and watches violent pornography.
The time for cuddles is long since past.

He needs to be on a structured programme for troubled teens, an apprenticeship or if he is 16, he needs to get a job. If he is just moping around he will be a danger to OP and her toddler. I wouldn't sign up for this with a toddler in tow.

You need some outside help, I wouldn't be happy with this sort of behaviour around my toddler either. But he didn't destroy his room, and it doesn't help when you catastrophise like that.

I feel really sorry for him tbh, but your job is to protect your own child.

I'd try him in therapy to begin with.

Agree. Though honestly some affection and kindness wouldn't do him any harm either, but you're right it's not going to fix things. He needs structure, boundaries and I'd get him in therapy too.

Nobody wants this boy and he knows it.

Life is unfair sometimes and you get brought up by selfish people.

Direct him to the council and get his name on a housing list, he's better off on his own. His own safe space.

He clearly feels unsafe at your house, hence the idea that he's being poisoned.

I don't think you can make things right, maybe have your partner direct him to the GP for some councelling of some sort but really this lad is just coming to terms that he's on his own in this world.
Hope he gets a decent girlfriend that helps him take his mind off this this shitshow.

There are many like him.

Threads like this must make adopted people feel really shit.

What's with the 'He's not even his' and 'Ditch him' comments. If this was a biological child nobody would be saying that the child's only remaining parent should wash his hands of him so just stop it. It's horribly offensive.

OP I don't know what the answer is and it could even be that you and your DP need to live separately for a while if you're not safe in the house with his son. But he does need to help his son.

Excellent Post. Very well put nfjufg.

Your DP needs to take compassionate leave until his son is slightly more settled. Living with you will be life changing for SS.
Insist on ground rules, doing chores, knowing where he is late at night, boundaries about drugs and alcohol and being home by a certain hour.
Your boundaries will help him stay out of trouble and he can blame the strict curfew etc.

SS and DP need to find some common area of interest.
pizzas, go-karts, ferrets, chocolate cake, surfings, fishing, rugby - find something that they can delve deeper into together. Would SS enjoy learning to drive?
Once a trust is earnt, seek professional career help with finding SS an area that he could qualify for a apprenticeship, or traineeship etc.

Find numbers for local drug rehab assistance.
Find numbers for local mental health issues.
You might need to call on expert help in the short term

A good aim would be that SS doesn't live with his Mum for a few years, not until SS is calm and has a future plan.

Totally agree. Biological or not if he adopted him he is his son, the same as a biological son would be. Dad needs to step up properly now.

To be honest with you: This teen is now almost a man. Contact stopped at 13 years old. Your DP is not his bio-dad. SS doesn’t want to see him.

At this point- he is damaged beyond what you could do for him. I think your DP should try to connect in these 10 days as a friendly adult, but after this, let him go and hope he comes back when hes got some perspective and grown up a bit.

Tell him you are always there for him when hes ready - but at 17 hes beyond being parented - especially as he probably doesnt understand what parenting is anyway since his mum sounds so useless.

If i were you, i wouldn't want him staying either, its not your problem to fix and the violent/intimidating behavior is not acceptable.

You mean you cannot be arsed. Yes, it is difficult, no he did not destroy his room, yes your husband is his father, yes writing him off makes you a bad person.

Anyone can be left without parents. It could happen to your kid too (no, don't pretend I am wishing that on anyone, you know I am not). I am quite sure you would find yourself pretty disgusting, as most of the commenters on the thread do, if you had to read about someone trying to slither out their duty to your own child the way you are currently trying to slither out of your duty to this boy who is your husband's son.

There are times a family member becomes too difficult and dangerous to deal with and you have to give up on them for your own protection.

This is not one of those times.

He's hoping against hope that you or HIS FATHER will at least pretend somewhat convincingly to give a shit about him, hence his behaviour.

Get the poor fucking boy some therapy, set some boundaries and try a bit of affection and attention.

For the millionth time, he adopted him so is as much his son as a biological child. It is so so offensive and inappropriate to suggest otherwise.

Ok. This kid needs serious help, including therapy. Your dp can’t abandon him. Even if you don’t feel safe, he will have to find somewhere to live with him. He has already been so terribly let down by his parents (including dp). He needs serious help, serious therapy to address all of the issues.

Then why has OP DH been so wishy washy? If he was a Dad - why didn't he fight when she moved 2.5 hrs away, or drag her through courts when DS wasnt going to school, or drive fucking 2.5 hours EOW to have a relationship. I don't think hes behaved like a "real" Dad at all - the only reason I can fathom of that is because hes adopted him and even he doesn't see himself as truly his Dad.

Regardless of that - he has missed out on these core formative years and now any attempt to play the "Dad card" is going to be laughed at by SS.

Where it relates to OP - she has an 16 month daughter in the home. She should trust her instincts on this boy and tell her DH to think of a way to support him without moving him in until hes more stable. I wouldnt want him stealing from me OR having him being near my DD if hes watching violent porn. I would worry for my childs safety.

She has not said or implied he is a danger to her or her child, she just didn't like the way the boy spoke to his father, while he was weeping, after smashing up some lego.

Her instinct is to dump him. His father says no, he won't abandon him.

So that's that really, unless she can force his father to dump him, I suppose, or until he actually does something dangerous.

Just because he has let his son down very badly does not make the child any less his son.

This.

This poor boy.

You need to sit him down with you and DH and make a plan for his visit. Be honest, tell DSS he makes you feel unsafe when he behaves like that.

Give DSS a chance to speak, and really listen, not just to his words but between the lines.

What a sad situation. Poor kid. He feels like he is so fundamentally flawed that no adult in his entire life wants anything to do with him. And he’s right on that part but it’s the adults who should feel guilty, not him.

Honorable mentions to the people who think “using discord” goes in the same bucket as watching violent porn and taking drugs. Weirdos.

And in terms of “how could he score if he hasn’t been there in years” - take it from someone who knows (clean now, thankfully) the answer is very very very easily. White and green are EVERYWHERE. “But we live in a tiny village with one pub” ….. EVERYWHERE.

DH and SS need to get into counselling and he needs support. Poor kid needs helps working out how to get his life back and the only place to start from is love, stability, rules and counselling

Too little too late based on what you’ve said..!!! You really need to seek support for him asap.. social services? He needs tough love and asap. His parents have let him down terribly.

Don’t shout at me, but with your partners help, and for his life going forwards, would he consider joining the Army / HM Forces?
At 17.5, he could have a year of working towards it, mentally, physically, join a gym, focus, meet others in your area, make plans, begin with discipline for himself and something on the horizon, a future for him to aim for?

(ex forces)