New boyfriend snapped at me

[Snappyg666]

Could do with your opinion. FWIW I am happy to be told AIBU. Im just trying to make sure I dont ignore anything important.

I was driving down the motorway with my boyfriend of 3 months. He was driving and I was supposed to be giving directions. We were talking and then he asked whether he should be taking the exit and I kind of hesitated for a few seconds as wasn't sure abd then said yes. He tutted and said for fucks sake and then quickly switched lames to exit

Now totally get why that would be irritating 😅 Its just that I was with my ex for 10 years and for all his faults, I dont think we ever snapped at each other once. We had massive bust ups about the big questions but irritating things like this we were both very generous with each other so im not sure what's normal. But I felt like a child being reprimanded and felt like saying "jesus get over it"

I wouldn't be happy to be spoken to that way, but if you had agreed he would drive and you would direct, then you need to know where you are, amongst the chatting.

So it's 50/50.

To be fair I would have said the same. You had one job!

If one of my boyfriends had snapped at me like that, he'd not do it again. I'd make it crystal clear that if it happened again, he'd be an ex-boyfriend.

He muttered for fuck's sake at the situation surely. Not being in the right lane, having to get over at short notice, nearly missing the exit. I'm not sure I'd call that snapping

I think this is a 50/50 with keep an eye out for anymore?
He’s snapped but is that because it wasn’t the first “late” direction you gave him? Or is it because there’s more to come.
He might have driving anxiety, he might be a prick, it’s too early to tell.
Has he snapped in any other way/scenario?

How was he in the immediate aftermath once he'd taken the exit, did he sulk or say anything else?

Next time do what you're meant to do. Give directions clearly and in advance

As a one off it's not that concerning, I do a lot of motorway driving and it's tiring, if it's been a long or difficult journey I'm usually irritable towards the end. But for those reasons I don't ask people to direct. If I don't know where I'm going I stick a satnav on and take responsibility for my driving and directions myself.

Depends how it made you feel. Scared there's worse lurking? Or just a bit annoyed?

I'd keep an eye but if the behaviour escalates I'd walk away. Better to be safe and single than trapped in a bad relationship.

It wouldn't work for me. I hate being snapped at or treated with impatience or anger. Some people shrug it off and wouldn't care. Only you know which type you are OP! But it's fine to end a new relationship for any reason. If he's comfortable doing this now, it won't get better as time goes on.

Yes this. He didn't swear AT you did he? Was he aggressive in how he spoke - sounds like he wasn't? Or was it a bit like how I just muttered: 'For fuck's sake!" because the strap on my bag snapped? The tone and context matter, and if it was just a one off thing said under stress. Or was he then in a mood/off with you afterwards?

Also often on motorways if you miss your exit you can sometimes carry on for another thirty minutes before the next one comes up which means you have to go on a massive detour which is really annoying, not to mention a waste of time and petrol. I would swear under my breath if I had to make a quick lane switch.

This is also why I never let my passengers navigate because some people are just useless at doing it!

Oh I should add:
It was a 12 hour drive and when we got home he said "im sorry, I think i was harsh back there" and I said "i understand, it could have been dangerous" but now I regret not making a point

Making the point that you were sorry?

No he didnt sulk.

I had given him wrong directions on a ring road before that, granted

Ok let’s give him a 1/2 a red flag. Keep an eye on the behaviour and if he becomes pointlessly passive aggressive again, full red flag 🚩 and move on.

😂😂 I’m the same. It’d make me laugh.

I don't think him muttering for fucks sake under his breath, when he's been confronted with having to change lanes to exit the motorway quickly, is tantamount to snapping at you.

Its really annoying when people dither.

So it was a very long drive - did you share any of the driving to help share the strain? And you had given him wrong directions earlier? I think he was clearly stressed and once he had reflected on it he apologised to you. I don't think that's a red flag, I think that's a normal, tired human being. Also you need to start using a satnav - any smartphone will do!

No if i could do that situation again I would acknowledge why he reacted that way but would also have agreed with him that yes I did think he was harsh

So he did a 12 hour drive and you weren't great at the directions, and once he muttered "FFS" and he apologised afterwards (unprompted, or had you sulked/gone cold after this?)?

It sounds more like a bit of tired irritation than anything else, tbh. Unless there's a huge drip feed coming.

It's not as if you don't get several miles-worth of signs before the next motorway junction, and/or overhead gantries telling you whether there are feeder lanes for that junction.

He was driving. He should have checked much sooner, and it was his responsibility to be in the right lane in the first place.

But why would you need to tell him to 'get over it'?

Did he say those words then sulk or turn it into an argument? If not it seems a very brief moment of frustration that could easily arise between a map reader and a driver who's your partner, friend or family.

But in future I'd say 'why don't you use the satnav?'

It's not ideal but the 'fuck's sake' isn't really the same as 'you fucking idiot' or 'fuck off.' it's more general frustration. I know I utter similar words on occasion. It shows a certain amount of stress and impatience but if that's all he's ever done wrong I wouldn't consider it a red flag.

I would. I absolutely hate that kind of thing. It's unnecessary and unkind. Obviously everyone has different levels of tolerance but I'd not want to be with someone who operated like that. My dp of ten years may have thought that many times but he's never once said it.

This. Not necessarily aimed at you and definitely not snapping at you. What are you like? If you’re feeling offended at this and are overthinking that interaction then I‘d suggest some counselling on your own to help you overcome the damage your ex did.

Next time you’re meant to be giving directions may I suggest putting a type of sat nav on to help you both.

The reason he snapped isn’t important, it’s the fact that he did it and that it comes to him easily during day to day living. My DH is like that, he doesn’t really mean anything by it but I hate it and it creates an atmosphere. I would watch out if this is a normal thing for him and then you’ll need to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you. But make it very clear he should not be speaking to you like this and watch his reaction, it will speak volumes.

Yeah exactly. I would never want to make anyone feel shit even if I were intensely annoyed at them