AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

Why did you not suggest going over to her hotel for a coffee?

Were they perhaps ill? Was her partner there too? Maybe they had things booked and had prioritise those leaving them short of time.

I agree with you though, I'd have made it work somehow.

Id suggest tour husband because he loves you doesn’t like the way you have been treated.

I did. I suggested everything I’ve written in my post.

Her husband was not there. If they were ill, she’d have said that. It was because the toddler was unsettled and was screaming and difficult to calm down. Which I understand must be draining.

Why didn’t you offer to go over and take the 6yo out to a park for her? One less child for her to deal with for an hour or so. Offered to play with the baby and 6yo while she dealt with the middle child?

You could have offered to bring over coffee, milkshakes/juices and cakes/sandwiches to the hotel and visited her and the children.

Take the initiative next time. Children can be hard work and she’s likely not getting enough sleep.

So she didn’t leave the hotel at all? What a shit ‘holiday’.

I did offer to go over to the hotel. She’s in a hotel - coffee, juice and food is a phone call or lift away.

Why would I take the six year old out? It’s her mother I’m interested in talking to.

Nice bit of victim blaming 🙄

Yes! Did not leave the hotel except for one attempt to go to the park.

Friends tend to help each other out.

Do you know what she did during her visit? I assume she didn't stay in her hotel room all week.

I agree that it wasn't really nice of her not to make the time, but it sounds like she had a really shit holiday (I'd never take 3 kids like that on my own! 😵)... It probably made it worse for her to try settling her toddler instead of meeting out with you, but sometimes we just don't think straight in those situations.

Her not even leaving the hotel shows how tough it had been for her. Solo parenting children of them ages would be hard enough if they were settled. I don't think it is fair to make this about you. Yes, I can see why you'd be disappointed but your friends missed out on a holiday as well as seeing you, I'm sure her stress levels and disappointment are much more significant than yours.

Goodness if she really just stayed in a hotel room with three young kids, one inconsolable, that must have been horrific for all of them. If I were her I'd have asked you over there a lot as a distraction/extra pair of hands. Maybe she was trying to spare you the carnage. Mine were always better getting out and about. Sounds hard.

A city break with kids of those ages sounds like a nightmare! I can't even imagine trying to get out of the hotel with them in tow tbh and no other parent or help.

I bet she feels rotten having cancelled. She was obviously good-intentioned when she initially contacted you.

Also it's embarrassing to have to take a screaming toddler places and also try to deal with other kids in front of other people (particularly an old friend with no kids).

I can definitely say that I underestimated motherhood before I had kids! Not on purpose but I just couldn't even fathom the years of exhaustion.

As another poster said, I probably would have said... hey I'll drop in for 10 minutes with some treats or games for the kids, I won't stay long just to see you guys is all. (But again, I say this as a parent... if I was childless I'd probably also be miffed)

So I’m expected to help with her kids but not actually see my friend? Pull the other one 🙄.

She did stay in the hotel. Nothing else.

Yeah, I voted YANBU because I agree with your husband that she isn’t giving much in the relationship, but you are not exactly a great friend by the sound of it. Maybe she’s reflecting your lack of care and interest back at you.

FYI, you can’t leave small children alone in a hotel room to go and get juice ‘a lift away’ - bundling three kids up into the lift to get stuff is probably what she focused her energy on and therefore didn’t have much left for you; if you had offered to help ease one load, maybe she would have had more energy left to spend on you…

A bit dramatic. The OP is not a victim and if my friend had travelled but couldn’t leave her hotel room because of her children, I’d want to help her out. Presumably the friend (and any normal person) doesn’t think being trapped in a room with a screaming child is better than seeing the OP, so surely if anyone is a victim it’s the friend?!

Wow... I wouldn't want to see you either with my kids with that attitude

I wonder why she went on this "holiday" in the first place - it sounds extremely weird.

She was meeting up with her sister at the hotel so it wasn’t just her and the three kids.

I do think it was a strange decision to keep three young kids inside though. It is -8 so very cold, which I guess the kids aren’t used to, but bright and sunny.

So her sister could have looked after the kids while your friend and you had a catchup?

It sounds like she must have been having the time from hell. And then some! Maybe try having a little sympathy for her rather than making it all about you OP. You’d seriously drop her as a friend because she was having a shit time with her kids and couldn’t see you because of that?!

If you think it’s okay to be in the vicinity as a friend for the first time in two years and not speak to them but expect them to take your kids out, then I wouldn’t want to see you either.

Nobody said she EXPECTED you to.take.the kids out.

Someone suggested that you might have offered given you knew she was having a really tough time and your response was appalling as a so called friend.

It’s not weird. She was meeting with her sister and I live in a very beautiful, very touristy city. I think she’d thought she’d be able to leave the kids with her sister for a couple of hours whilst we had lunch or a glass of wine. I think it became obvious that wouldn’t work, which is why I suggested the park, but she ended up not leaving the hotel.