AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

Self centred because you don’t seem to fully grasp her situation. Three very young children including a baby - plans change at the drop of a hat

I have three ND kids. My ability to sustain friendships in the way I did pre-DC has been shot to hell. A few of my friendships have survived it, but I get cut A LOT of slack by those people. I am no longer actively friends with many of my friends who did not have DC at all because the gulf of life experience is so incredibly wide. (There are a few exceptions.)

I'm not saying her kids are ND but having kids is WAY HARDER than you ever imagine and kid number 3 might be tipping her over the edge.

I get why you are disappointed OP with how things panned out, but I would absolutely not be taking it personally, I would read it as 100% she is having a beyond shit time of epic proportions.

So have you been off with her since then? Are you going to raise this with her?

or are you just going to move on and message that you look forward to getting together with her asap

Unless you think she was lying about her kid and actually just blanking you because she had loads of better stuff to do I can't understand why you'd be angry/ upset with her?

Do you think she wanted/ enjoyed spending time in a hotel with three little kids who were acting up. That sounds hellish!

It didn’t have to be meeting in public.

Being godmother isn't just about being friends with her mother FFS

Because it's all about you and what you want with zero empathy or understanding for your friend. I know you've said a few times you send gifts, that is not having understanding or empathy.

She took three children, including a 6 month old baby, on holiday to another country and didn’t leave the hotel? It sounds like she may have been in a bit of a state. At 6 months PP with my second baby I probably could have done anything as normal. But with my first, I had some sort of post partum anxiety or depression or whatever it was - I was a total mess until about 9 months PP I reckon.

She could very easily be suffering badly and be able to hide it relatively well - I know I did. Making over ambitious plans and then finding myself unable to fulfil them in any way whatsoever reminds me of myself when I had PPD.

I’d be willing to bet she was having quite a bad time and didn’t feel up to visitors. Perhaps she just didn’t feel able to show you that she was struggling - it’s often really hard to admit you’re suffering post partum as it feels like you’re failing at the one thing that matters most to you.

YANBU to be disappointed but I think it would be mean spirited to hold it against her when the evidence clearly points to a woman who had good intentions but is struggling.

She was thinking of you

she didn’t want you to be subjected to three young children who were unsettled and very needy of her

Nooo. I disagree....
I think she sounds absolutely frazzled and like shes nothing thinking straight / struggling (very understandably) to keep the train on the track.

She got from her home across Europe to be ten minutes away from mine. We were close geographically for the first time in two years. And she couldn’t find an hour in a week, even to come to mine or meet me at the hotel? This is what I am admittedly struggling to get my head around

It’s not the same as friends who can’t make breakfast or whatever because of a child related issue but we can catch up another time.

Surely as godmother to one of the children, you don't mention which, you'd be happy to take them out/spend time with them.

How could I be off with her? I haven’t seen her.

Sweet jesus

So you’ve been in a moody arse with her since then? Or did you send a supportive message and say you look forward to getting with her together soon?

Virtually

So you sent a kind and supportive message saying you totally understood and look forward to seeing her another time?

No

I’m not angry. I am a bit hurt.

Do I think she’s lying? No, I think the toddler has been a pain. But I do struggle with that that means she couldn’t see me for a coffee at mine or at the hotel, or go on a walk or meet at a park.

Yabu, you have zero reason to be hurt. Holidays with a toddler and a newborn can go to shit. Your friend likely fantasised about just leaving the kids and coming to see you even though she did the right thing and stayed with her babies in the hotel. She kept you informed and she apologised.

How did you leave it with her? What was your message back in response to her situation?

I think you are getting a hard time here OP given she was here for a week.

I have been understanding and empathetic that we haven’t been able to see each other for seven years unless I make the journey to her, which I have done plenty of times.

Sounds like she did everything in her power to be able to see you. Unfortunately, even the best laid plans can be completely destroyed if you have a newborn or a high needs toddler, and she has one of each.

It's all whinging about "but I buy the kids presents so obviously I'm an amazing friend and she's shit even though she was clearly struggling "

This is a very fair point. I did actually wonder if all was well in her marriage for a few reasons. Maybe there is more going on.

I think your friend must know you have this attitude and thats why she couldn't see you.

Ideally, you should have been an extra pair of hands to help with the children but your priority was you getting to enjoy your friend. It's quite selfish.

And I say this as someone who doesn't have children but can appreciate friends who are parents can't offer the same relationship as pre-kids.

Ah so there’s more to this. You feel resentful about the past too.

Well you haven’t “made the journey” for 2 years have you?