AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

Greetings original commenter, I'm so sorry to hear you didn't get to see your friend & her Children. This is so upsetting & yes most surely I'm in bewilderment why she didn't recommend you coming to see them at the hotel & I would've made the suggestion myself if I were in your shoes. It seems you've got a good solid friendship so even now they've returned home, I'm sure your friendship is strong enough for some gentle honesty & I'd recommend saying "I'm just wondering why we didn't agree to meeting at your hotel so your Children didn't need to contend with the possible upset of transitions? I don't see how such gentle openness could offend your friend & might even make your friendship stronger... Wishing you the best & some well deserved enlightenments

If the child was that upset, you'd hardly have been having a catch up would you. The fact she didn't go out demonstrates that she wasn't letting you down per se, she was having a genuinely shit time. In which case offering an extra pair of hands/taking a child is a genuine friend thing to do.

To be clear, you think I should go and take out a six year old child I haven’t seen in two years to help out her mother who I also haven’t seen in two years, without actually seeing my friend?

Her children are lovely but I don’t know them and I’m not friends with them.

She got three kids across Europe. I dare say she could get them across a corridor.

This adds a lot more context. She was hoping for a couple of hours of gossip with you and instead got a terrible toddler screaming at her plus her baby and child to care for in a hotel. She was probably absolutely pissed off and couldn’t face trying to have coffee with all of that going on. A few nights of poor sleep and a dose of disappointment left her battery empty.

YANBU to be disappointed though.

You don't need help if they're your own kids! I had 3 under 2.5 at one point and you just get on with it.

A double buggy (presuming she had one) and a walk and bit of fresh air would get everyone feeling a bit better.

I did say I’d go to the hotel.

And also, the most correspondence we have is when I ship three lots of birthday and Christmas presents to her every year. I was happy to go to the hotel, or the park, or soft play, or for a walk. But I’m not sure seeing my friends needs to involve me taking more treats and games for the kids. I am constantly buying for the kids, and yet when my friend is a 10 minute walk away she can’t have me round for coffee or come to mine?

Try and read the OP again. I did not say I would drop her as a friend.

I think this is what was initially envisaged but it was impossible for my friend to leave the toddler.

So she was on "holiday" with her sister and 3 kids in a cold city and never left the hotel 😵‍💫sounds shit!!!

I've got a 3 and 2 yr old.
Yanbu.
I'd have said are you willing to come meet for a few hours after kids go to sleep on a couple of evenings... we can gave a wine in rhe lobby while my sister watched the kids.

Your friend is 6m postpartum though and has 3 kids so it may be her brain is just fucking fried (which would explain going to a beautiful city in winter and trapping the kids inside the hotel for a week 😵‍💫)

Maybe because the 6 year old is your goddaughter?

So I’m expected to help with her kids but not actually see my friend? Pull the other one

Her children are lovely but I don’t know them and I’m not friends with them.

But you are godmother to one of them.

I don’t want to spend a day babysitting a child I don’t know. Babysitting the kids, sending them gifts - all apparently expected and a sign of being a good friend.

But I shouldn’t expect any time or conversation with my friend? We don’t holiday together any more, although she says every few months that we should book somewhere then she, reasonably, can’t leave the kids. When I visit her, she needs to get home early to see her husband. When she visits me, I should step up and babysit but not expect a conversation with her? Where exactly is the friendship for me?

Not to mention how odd the six year old would find it in a strange country with a woman she’d have no memory of.

If I’d seen her, I’d have been an extra pair of hands, wouldn’t I?

Yes, and it doesn’t sound like she was falling over herself to invite you to the hotel.

She said the toddler’s sleep was awful and she’d have felt guilty leaving her with her sister, which I understand.

No, she isn’t?

It doesn't sound as if she didn't want to meet you, it sounds as if she couldn't.
YANBU to be disappointed, YABU to blame her.

You sound really self centred and absolutely clueless about the realities of parenting.

Yes, because I am friends with her mother.

She had her hands full. Big time. She wanted to see you but when the time came - she couldn’t swing it.

I'm sorry to say it because I know it's irritating to hear, but I wouldn't have really understood this before I had children either, but I do now.

I expect, if anything, she's even more gutted than you that she couldn't slip off for an hour or two to catch up. She's evidently really tried to rearrange and then texted to apologise when it couldn't happen so I'd say she really did try.

If her toddler was being that much of a handful you'd have had absolutely no opportunity to catch up even if she'd managed to manhandle everyone out of the door as she'd be managing whatever meltdown was occurring in public and while you looked on. Her stress levels (and potentially that of her children, who knows?) would have risen and risen. And honestly, I expect you'd be on here complaining about how she was when you met up with her (e.g. that she never managed to listen to a complete sentence from you about how you are, and you seemed to be expected to be very hands on with these children you don't know).

My advice is to swallow your disappointment and give her some grace. Better luck next time!

You probably should

You clearly don't like her

This is what I had thought but my husband thinks that the toddler cant have meant that it was impossible to see her at the hotel, my house, the park, a walk etc.

He thinks I should knock the gifts on the head until it is more of a two way friendship.

It’s tough being a mother and it’s even tougher when the kids don’t behave as you’d like them to.

It’s disappointing you didn’t see your friend but I think she did the best she could and did intend to meet you, it just couldn’t happen this time.

Self centred because I want to actually spend time with my friend?