AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

If she cannot leave the toddler with her sister, how is she going to leave her with me? Do you think I have special toddler whisperer abilities? And it is clear you don’t spend much time with young children. They’re not usually keen on spending the day with an adult stranger.

I don't know why the OP is having such a hard time from responders.

I think your friend just isn't that invested in the friendship.

You suggested everything you could, she was the one putting obstacles in the way.
An unsettled grumpy child might have been better not cooped up in an hotel room.
I think the friendship will fade naturally, which is a shame. Perhaps start just sending token presents to the children but obviously something for your God child.

Things must have been incredibly hard for that to have been the case. It’s stressful travelling alone with one child, let alone three. Does she normally travel alone with the kids? I’d be wondering if something else is up.

I'd be wondering if her husband is controlling her behaviour. I wouldn't cut her off, I'd message her a open question on how she is.
Is their country as cold as your's? She might have underestimated how the children would be out in it.

I think your friend is going through hell. And over ambitious with her plans. I wouldn’t be surprised if she one day leaves her husband and has her toddler diagnosed or whatever and you one day look back thinking about this holiday and her general crapness in a different light. Still I think you’re right to step away.

Mmm. This is a horrible thought, but not one I could rule out. She was unhappy last time I spoke to her. It is so hard to speak to her though.

I have lots of friends with children who I really love to see. But, other than my nieces, I would never take them out without their mother

I knew from the very first present that it would be one way. But what irritates me is that it has eventually become literally only hearing from her when she says thank you for a present.

Yes, a real friend would do this.

Your friend was exhausted and frazzled. It would have helped her if you'd taken the oldest child out.

You don't understand what it's like to have children.

So really it’s been fizzling out for years
She doesn’t sound bothered and you don’t really either now

I think it is interesting that you have separated your friend into two people here: Firstly, the mother of three small children you haven’t seen in two years who wouldn’t really be worth your time and, secondly, your ‘friend’ sans children who might be worth going for a coffee with.

It sounds like it was very hard for your friend. She tried a couple of times to see you and it just didn’t work out. Maybe just let it go. If you give her some grace in this occasion there may well be lots of times in the future when the kids are older when she has more time to get together.

@Furning what did she say when you offered to come to her hotel room?

Did you offer to bring coffee/wine etc and hang out with her in her room with no pressure to go out? Or did you offer to come to her and help her get out of the hotel to go for a walk?

I don’t see why she wouldn’t have minded you popping up to the hotel too for a quick catch up but she had clearly said she couldn’t leave the hotel room with the toddler so if you had implied coming to her and then still going out I could see why she said no.

Stop sending her kids presents now maybe just do Xmas or bdays only and keep a strict budget, stuff like colouring books or pens etc. Then you can peter that out over a year or so

I would be gutted and annoyed my friend wouldn't even allow me over to the hotel? I think I would have just walked to the hotel to see her if I were you though, but if she really insisted then I would have stayed home I guess.

I think she obvs just came to see her sister ans you were an afterthought/a "chore" and she just didn't prioritise you

So don't prioritise her anymore. I think she keeps you as a harkening back to her childfree days but obviously isn't wanting to put effort in. Which is fine. But you can feel hurt over that.
I disagree with the previous comments about cutting her some slack. She seriously couldn't have just walked down the lobby to see you or had you up in the room for a quick hello? Even if toddler unwell.

I can’t believe the amount of parents who, after two years of not seeing someone, would expect them to come and take out a child (and be happy to send said child off with someone who is a stranger to them) without having any conversation. It is extremely odd.

I think you are looking too hard for things that aren’t there. A huge reach.

You are giving this so much brain space when in reality - she’s probably
not given it a nano second’s further thought, and won’t

I think that would have maybe led to seeing your friend if you had helped her out yes. Help her settle the middle child while you take oldest for some fresh air and a nice bit of time together and then see how things are. It could have benefitted you all but you'll never know so... oh well.

Well, that combined with her refusing to allow you to visit her at the hotel suggests she’s not bothered about the friendship at all. I’m with your husband on this.

I think you did all you could, OP. I can't say either person is BU but I understand you are disappointed. We don't know how your friend feels or how much effort she made. As someone who has 2 dc and struggled a lot when they were younger (dd1 has ASD), I would always assume the friend is hugely struggling and just cannot keep to her plans. I did that several times, not in the exact same circumstances, either cancelling plans because I was so broken I was crying all the time or I just didn't make plans in the first place. Some friends just didn't understand when I tried to explain the difficulties, and why I couldn't do the plans they suggested. It was very upsetting to feel that not only was I struggling hugely as a mother but I was somehow letting my friends down. It was ok with friends I saw often who understood, but pretty impossible with those I rarely saw.

Anyway, we really don't know about your friend - maybe she made no effort, didn't care that much about seeing you and just wanted to relax with her sister - but you know her better than a bunch of strangers. I would accept she can't give much to the friendship now and hope things will improve as the kids grow up. I don't think you should take it personally. friendships wax and wane especially when distance and kids are involved.

I’m with your husband. She could have seen you. Who stays in the hotel a whole trip because their toddler is ‘unsettled’.
He probably would have loved a run round the park.
I’d tell her I’d see her when the kids were older and able to handle a trip.

We are talking about a perfectly fit and capable grown woman here, not an invalid. She’s in a hotel. She’s not short of coffee and wine. She knows how to operate a phone to call room service. She’s just got three children across Europe and back. She isn’t struggling to get them out of the hotel. She was struggling with the toddler being upset.

I suggested the hotel in the same message as everything else and she just said she’d let me know.

The friend’s sister was there and could have taken the kids out, that would have been better than a virtual stranger doing so. The OP offered to go to the hotel. Friend wasn’t interested.

Damn… you really don’t like this friend OP!

And it would seem if you never contacted her again, she wouldn’t notice anyway!

I can see why you feel disappointed. You were so close to seeing each other after a long gap and it didn’t happen. At the same time, reading this, it’s hard to ignore that you don’t have children, and that does limit how imaginable this situation is from the outside. Travelling alone with three very young children, one of them unsettled, is not a minor inconvenience, it's overwhelming. To me it sounds like someone struggling to get through the day.
Also, it sounds like a pretty bleak version of a holiday. Being confined to a hotel room all week with a baby, a toddler and a six year old isn’t rest or enjoyment. It’s management.
If the friendship is going to continue, it may need to shift. Less about what you give materially, and more about accepting that for now, her capacity looks very different to the person you travelled with before she had children. What she likely needs is understanding and connection that fits the reality she’s in, not more presents for the kids.

I think she’s giving it a lot of thought actually.