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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this understandable?

388 replies

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:08

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

OP posts:
FailMeOnce · 01/02/2026 16:23

Furning · 01/02/2026 15:39

It didn’t have to be meeting in public.

Show quote history

Yeah, OK, even so. You are the public!

Starlight7080 · 01/02/2026 16:24

She was probably exhausted and didnt think you would mind.
A 6 month old , toddler and 6 year old! And as you have said its -8 so going out is not practical. Especially if she wants to avoid any of them getting sick.
I bet she just tried to get by everyday and was rushing around trying to care for the 3 of them .

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 16:25

MorningActivity · 01/02/2026 16:21

@Furning i get you’re disappointed. With good reasons. It’s frustrating to know a very good friend is so close agd you can’t see each other.

However, I strongly disagree with your dh. I don’t think her reaction says anything but a new of 3 getting totally overwhelmed.
I mean she was with a 6 months old. That, in itself, can be hard work when you travel, stay in a hotel etc…. Add a toddler that is unsettled? So unsettled you can’t get out of the hotel at all? That must have been a nightmare.
I suspect she both 1- didn’t want you to have to deal with the toddler tantrums and 2- didn’t want the pressure to ‘catch up’ whilst dealing with her dcs/toddler.

I feel you both did the best you could. You were flexible, offered to meet up in different ways, stayed in contact etc…
She did the best she could with her 3 kids. And that was staying at the hotel.
No one is wrong here.

Tbh I’d send her a message to tell her that you’re disappointed it didn’t work out but are looking forward to see her in person. Maybe tryimg to organise something else (on her ground so toddler isn’t as unsettled etc… for example).

Im also Wonderimg if said toddler has always been hard work or is getting harder and harder work. Several days of being do unsettled that you can’t leave a hotel room makes me wonder if something else isn’t going on (eg ND for the toddler, or being ill etc…)

I’m not making the trip to see her again. It has been too one sided for too long.

My friend thinks the toddler was unsettled because of the change of location.

OP posts:
Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 16:26

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:25

I’m not making the trip to see her again. It has been too one sided for too long.

My friend thinks the toddler was unsettled because of the change of location.

Show quote history

Good idea

I think it will just fizzle out

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 16:27

FailMeOnce · 01/02/2026 16:23

Yeah, OK, even so. You are the public!

Show quote history

I am a member of the public, certainly, but one person is not the public.

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · 01/02/2026 16:27

No I wouldn’t get upset about this. It was -8 degrees with kids, some of who were unwell. I am not sure I believe she didn’t leave the hotel all week. But it wouldn’t matter to me, it was her choice and she messaged to say sorry it didn’t work out. You also offered to go to her. Just let it go.

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 16:28

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 16:26

Good idea

I think it will just fizzle out

Show quote history

This is what my husband thinks. Stop sending gifts, let it fizzle out.

OP posts:
Okiedokie123 · 01/02/2026 16:30

MeSeM · 01/02/2026 14:40

Greetings original commenter, I'm so sorry to hear you didn't get to see your friend & her Children. This is so upsetting & yes most surely I'm in bewilderment why she didn't recommend you coming to see them at the hotel & I would've made the suggestion myself if I were in your shoes. It seems you've got a good solid friendship so even now they've returned home, I'm sure your friendship is strong enough for some gentle honesty & I'd recommend saying "I'm just wondering why we didn't agree to meeting at your hotel so your Children didn't need to contend with the possible upset of transitions? I don't see how such gentle openness could offend your friend & might even make your friendship stronger... Wishing you the best & some well deserved enlightenments

Show quote history

Is that AI speak? Or are you a robot?

Wemetatascoutcamp · 01/02/2026 16:33

OP years ago I had a friend who criticised me & my parenting- she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get my toddler to just “behave” and thought children should just fit in with parents plans- 6 years later she found out when she had her own son the reality of life with young children.

If your friend had been out and about all week and just didn’t meet you i’d have thought she was a rubbish friend but she didn’t she was stuck in a hotel room with 3 young children- that is not fun for anyone. From your posts it doesn’t sound like you have much experience of young children and your friend probably realises you wouldn’t have appreciated catching up in her hotel room with a screaming toddler and 2 other children, you’ve said multiple times you weren’t interested in seeing the children only your friend but thats fairly difficult when young children are involved. I think possibly you and your friend are at different life stages now which means her priorities are different to yours unfortunately but don’t take it personally its just life!

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 16:37

Wemetatascoutcamp · 01/02/2026 16:33

OP years ago I had a friend who criticised me & my parenting- she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get my toddler to just “behave” and thought children should just fit in with parents plans- 6 years later she found out when she had her own son the reality of life with young children.

If your friend had been out and about all week and just didn’t meet you i’d have thought she was a rubbish friend but she didn’t she was stuck in a hotel room with 3 young children- that is not fun for anyone. From your posts it doesn’t sound like you have much experience of young children and your friend probably realises you wouldn’t have appreciated catching up in her hotel room with a screaming toddler and 2 other children, you’ve said multiple times you weren’t interested in seeing the children only your friend but thats fairly difficult when young children are involved. I think possibly you and your friend are at different life stages now which means her priorities are different to yours unfortunately but don’t take it personally its just life!

I have plenty of experience of young children.

‘you’ve said multiple times you weren’t interested in seeing the children only your friend’

I have not said this once. I have, however, said multiple times that I was looking forward to seeing the kids and that I suggested many child friendly activities.

Why do people make things up on this forum? Is it a comprehension issue or just the glee of excitement of posting something condescending?

OP posts:
figgyputty · 01/02/2026 16:39

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:22

No, sorry, I would not be willing to take out kids I don’t know for a friend who hasn’t had a conversation with me first.

The six year old would hardly want to be out with a stranger either.

I saw my godmother when she came round to see my mother. She never took me out alone and nor would I expect her to.

Show quote history

🤷‍♀️ I guess I come from a different culture to you. I have a standalone relationship with my godmother. Being a godmother is more than just a title or one day in a church.
Anyway, getting of point now. I stand by my opinion but you do you.

pouletvous · 01/02/2026 16:41

The toddler was “unsettled “ due to being confined to a hotel room for days

Middlemarch123 · 01/02/2026 16:45

This is all a mountain out of a molehill. I get how you feel OP, and I totally get how it must have been hard for your friend. Naturally you are disappointed, but it really doesn’t matter at all. Your friendship is fine, so just let it go and carry on as before. She’s disappointed too, but she’s struggling with three little ones. You sound lovely by the way, so ignore some of the nasty comments. MN can be very unpleasant sometimes 🌹

BernardButlersBra · 01/02/2026 16:47

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:37

I have plenty of experience of young children.

‘you’ve said multiple times you weren’t interested in seeing the children only your friend’

I have not said this once. I have, however, said multiple times that I was looking forward to seeing the kids and that I suggested many child friendly activities.

Why do people make things up on this forum? Is it a comprehension issue or just the glee of excitement of posting something condescending?

Show quote history

@Furning On here it’s a mixture of comprehension fails and LOTS of projection / making up your own narrative. Your friend should have made more effort. I think your strategy of letting this friendship fizzle out is a good one. She just isn’t putting in the same level of effort, she can’t move 10 minutes down the road but you have to fly to her and celebrated their events all the time?! I used to have a friend who had children before me and very much thought I should run around after her and make the friendship work. Including madness like wanting me to get up at 5am to travel to her house to “fit in around nap time”. She was super keen to say how easy my life was and how hard her was 🙄. With a strong side of “you’ll understand when you have children”, l know have toddler twins and know she talked a lot of rubbish. I make proper effort with friendships and know it’s NOT all about me and my children. I’m amused by the posters who think you should have swooped into super nanny mode. It’s your weekend too, where are the children’s father (s) in all of this and what’s the point of her holing up in a hotel for a week with 3 small children?!

ProfessorBinturong · 01/02/2026 16:47

I don't have children. I don't like children of that age. I have as little to do with them as possible.

I would still have been able to work out that she was (for whatever reason) going through a week of utter hell, and would have offered to either take some/all of the children out for an hour or sit with some/all of them in the hotel room while she got out for a bit to get her head together. At the end of which, she may well have had the mental space for a short catch up.

BernardButlersBra · 01/02/2026 16:48

pouletvous · 01/02/2026 16:41

The toddler was “unsettled “ due to being confined to a hotel room for days

This. I have twin toddlers, l would have got them out and about, the change of scene most likely would have helped

Imdunfer · 01/02/2026 16:49

I have read all your posts now and the only "unreasonable" bit I can see is not realising that this relation, as far as your friend is concerned, is over.

I guess the most likely explanation is that she feels it's run its course, but I can't help wondering if there was something she doesn't want you to see. Bruises on her, or her children?

Monty34 · 01/02/2026 16:51

I have to say I would have found it odd. Not to meet up. She could have invited you to meet her.
Her toddler being unable to settle for two days to the extent portrayed would have invited issues within the hotel too.
She would have to leave the room for meals.
All a bit off really.

Whaleandsnail6 · 01/02/2026 16:51

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable after your updates.

I'm amazed she didn't bother to take her kids out of the hotel room...no wonder they were struggling!

Your idea of a trip to the park was a good one, you could have met at the hotel and helped them get the the park, where the kids run off some steam and you would have been there as an extra hand. Can't believe some posters think you should have taken her child out for her!

I'd send a message saying its a shame you didn't catch up but not to worry, you'll happily meet up next time you are in the same area and leave it at that. I'd also let the gifts fizzle out as it does sound one sided and like you make all of the effort

Whaleandsnail6 · 01/02/2026 16:56

ProfessorBinturong · 01/02/2026 16:47

I don't have children. I don't like children of that age. I have as little to do with them as possible.

I would still have been able to work out that she was (for whatever reason) going through a week of utter hell, and would have offered to either take some/all of the children out for an hour or sit with some/all of them in the hotel room while she got out for a bit to get her head together. At the end of which, she may well have had the mental space for a short catch up.

If their own mother couldn't handle leaving the hotel with them, what makes you think a practical stranger to the children would be able to take them out? I doubt a 6 year old, 3 year old and 6 month old would want to go out with someone they don't know.

The friend had a reasonable, workable solution of op helping her take them out for a change of scenery, she just didn't want to take that

Gahr · 01/02/2026 16:57

FeralWoman · 01/02/2026 14:20

Why didn’t you offer to go over and take the 6yo out to a park for her? One less child for her to deal with for an hour or so. Offered to play with the baby and 6yo while she dealt with the middle child?

You could have offered to bring over coffee, milkshakes/juices and cakes/sandwiches to the hotel and visited her and the children.

Take the initiative next time. Children can be hard work and she’s likely not getting enough sleep.

Why on earth should OP do all that? That said, this is why I dont really have any close friends who have children. This sort of thing is going to happen all the time.

Jinxjacobs · 01/02/2026 16:57

Furning · 01/02/2026 15:53

This is a very fair point. I did actually wonder if all was well in her marriage for a few reasons. Maybe there is more going on.

Show quote history

This sounds spot on to me; your friend sounds overwhelmed, and reading your initial post I wondered if she knew the mask would slip (on this plan, life in general, marriage - something!) if she saw you. Something hinky.

I understand why you feel hurt, and if you think you need some space.

The presents are trickier, tbh - maybe you won't have kids and it won't get 'repaid' but in some ways if you do see it that way, you are also best to stop. It's a signal if it brings resentment or feels transactional. But it is quite an outgoing as well as a sign you care.

It also brought to mind an early episode of curb your enthusiasm (niche maybe),where they fall out, but Richard tells Larry they have enough 'good stuff in the bank' (I'm mangling the quote, btw) to let this one slide. I use that in my own life and you'll know when it's overdrawn!

nomas · 01/02/2026 17:00

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:08

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

Stop all presents.

She is a user.

SapphireSeptember · 01/02/2026 17:01

Wemetatascoutcamp · 01/02/2026 16:33

OP years ago I had a friend who criticised me & my parenting- she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get my toddler to just “behave” and thought children should just fit in with parents plans- 6 years later she found out when she had her own son the reality of life with young children.

If your friend had been out and about all week and just didn’t meet you i’d have thought she was a rubbish friend but she didn’t she was stuck in a hotel room with 3 young children- that is not fun for anyone. From your posts it doesn’t sound like you have much experience of young children and your friend probably realises you wouldn’t have appreciated catching up in her hotel room with a screaming toddler and 2 other children, you’ve said multiple times you weren’t interested in seeing the children only your friend but thats fairly difficult when young children are involved. I think possibly you and your friend are at different life stages now which means her priorities are different to yours unfortunately but don’t take it personally its just life!

Kids do have to fit in with parents' plans though. I had a dentist appointment earlier this week, so I was getting me and my 18 month old DS ready and out the door no matter what he thought about it.

ProfessorBinturong · 01/02/2026 17:01

Whaleandsnail6 · 01/02/2026 16:56

If their own mother couldn't handle leaving the hotel with them, what makes you think a practical stranger to the children would be able to take them out? I doubt a 6 year old, 3 year old and 6 month old would want to go out with someone they don't know.

The friend had a reasonable, workable solution of op helping her take them out for a change of scenery, she just didn't want to take that

Show quote history

I'm certainly not suggesting it would have been enjoyable for anyone. At the end of an hour I'd probably be ready to gnaw my own arm off to escape. But it would have given her a break if only to go for a walk round the block. Even if she didn't accept, sometimes an offer can help - or give her a laugh at the prepostrousness of it.