AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

If she offered 20 or 200 things... it's clear the OPs friend hasn't bothered with her in 7+ years so doesn't out the same value on it as the OP.

I also think it's just a weird setup. It's like they are trying to cling on to an old friendship even though they are completely different people now with different lives and priorities.

Exactly

Although looks like the friend hasn’t been trying to cling on to anything for the past 7 years.

I think it’s just dawned on the OP after this hotel incident

Did you message her today? Or has she left now? It makes no sense she came all that way and then couldn’t get out of a hotel room or invite you up

She had left before I posted.

Except she arranged to go to this particular city because I am here. It’s a beautiful city and somewhere she’d like to visit, but on the opposite side of Europe to her. There are much warmer, child friendly places with shorter, direct flights. It is not a coincidence that she organised to come here and that I am here.

God people on MN are mental. They either don't read the thread and make up shit or they do and still make up shit about what the OP said. 😂
No I don't think you are being unreasonable and I would cut back on the present buying and the trips. I'm afraid it seems to be a one way street.
Sad to see a friendship fizzle out but looks like this one already has.

I agree with you, OP, to a certain extent. I’d also be really hurt if my friend didn’t at least allow me to pop into the hotel to see them. Even when kids are at their hardest, if you’re stuck indoors with them, an extra pair of hands, a friendly face, a change of scenery always really helps. It does seem odd the friend didn’t find any time at all to see you.

I have a feeling there may be more to this than just her kids playing up. She saw her sister but not you. Does her sister also live in your city or had she travelled there to meet your friend? Had you friend specifically come to your city to meet up with you?

Jesus, that poor woman! It sounds like she had a miserable time. She was probably incredibly sleep-deprived and wasn't able to leave her children with her sister (and knew it'd be useless trying to meet up with you with them). It's insanely draining when young children are 'fussy' - for all you know she was up all night for days on end, and had exactly one very brittle nerve left.

I imagine she probably felt guilty about it, and that if she could have managed to see you, she would have (otherwise she wouldn't have tried to organise it in the first place). However, your responses here make it obvious that you may not have been completely understanding?

Yes, she may have been able to communicate the situation better, but when you're exhausted and frazzled, dealing with other adults who you feel like you've let down by not being able to do things you could have done before you had children, is the last thing you want to do.

You're very "Me, me, me", Aren't you? I think you need to find childless friends and leave this poor woman to find friends who actually care about her!

Yes, that's what a good friend would do! Your attitude comes across as very self centred, your friend you're supposed to care about was struggling alone with 3 kids and rather than do anything to help all you do is complain she didn't have time to socialise 🙄

That’s what a mug would do. Astounding how many parents think the world owes them and would expect their friends to use their free time to babysit their kids without having to deign to see said friend.

Her friend was not alone

I don't understand the replies here.

Your friend has behaved very strangely and on the face of it, has been very rude.

It's so strange that it does seem to imply a deeper issue or a disordered mind. But we can't know that.

OP is not unreasonable.