AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

Especially when there was another adult already there.

Really strange behaviour from your friend OP and I would be really hurt. My first thought was perhaps there were problems with her marriage.

The suggestions of snacks and taking kids out are utterly bonkers!

Gosh I agree with you OP that some of these replies are batshit! You were flexible in terms of both what you did and the timing, I get your disappointment and don't really see that you could have done more. I also agree with you that it's unlikely the 6 year old would have been comfortable with you taking them out alone when they don't remember you.

I do think your friend would've been better off just wrestling everyone into their coats and getting out to the park or whatever, the fresh air and change of scene would likely have calmed everyone down a bit. Bring stuck in a room for several days with a fractious toddler is bound to stress everyone out and just feed the cycle. Anyway, that's by the by now.

You made reference to her cutting meet ups short due to needing to get back to her DH as he's on his own with the kids, and I think you said even before kids she'd rush back to him because she hadn't seen him all day. Assuming you don't think she's making excuses, that rings alarm bells. They're his kids too and he should be perfectly capable of looking after them for a day or evening. And surely she can go a day without seeing him. This does make me wonder if he may be controlling/ abusive or at least a bit of an ineffective dad. And taking all the children on this holiday but him not going is odd. Surely most people would choose either a family holiday or a child free break.

And whilst I appreciate that travelling with young children is more difficult than without, it isn't impossible. I do think it's unfair that you've done all the legwork for 7 years. As a capable, comfortably off woman, I don't see why she couldn't have paid you one or 2 visits in that time - again, as a family holiday (you say you live in a popular touristy city) or for a childfree night or 2. Obviously I don't know if that's her being flaky or perhaps a controling DH is to blame.

The second thing I wanted to mention is that you said you don't have the kind of friendship where you chat on the phone or facetime. I think it's very hard to communicate in a natural and open way via text. You don't tend to get thr full details and it's hard to convey nuance and tone. I feel it's difficult to maintain a friendship via text alone. Given that you have seen one another so little over recent years, I do think if you want to try to keep the friendship going then having the odd phonecall would be really helpful.

I've always been deeply uncomfortable talking on the phone. But one of my close friends moved away a few years ago (only an hour's drive but means we've gone from seeing eachother every week to every couple of months) and I forced myself to have the occasional facetime or call with her and I'm far more relaxed with it now. We can talk for hours and it definitely helps me feel more connected to her.

Anyway, if I were you I'd have an honest conversation with my friend, letting her know what you've said here, that you're sad not to have met and that you feel things have been a bit one sided the last few years, but be clear that you aren't moaning at her but are concerned that she might be having a tough time.

Good luck OP.

I find it fascinating that so many posters are fixated on the people who suggested bringing snacks and talking about naked toddlers (when those posters were mostly just offering a perspective of ‘hey it’s nice to do something to make life easier for your mates when things are slightly tricky’) and not one of them has encouraged any self reflection on the part of the OP.

Why do YOU think your friend doesn’t really like you enough to be bothered to either come and see you when she’s ten mins away or invite you round (snacks or no snacks?) when she’s close by?

FWIW I was not one of the posters who suggested snacks or the idea that the friend couldn’t get her kids dressed. I don’t think the friend has problems in her marriage either - that’s a leap, the bloke wasn’t even present. I think the OP has just come across as someone I wouldn’t really bother to see, either. She was probably just having a better time with her sister and couldn’t be arsed.

Op has had simmering resentment for many years - damn clear from all the follow up posts about how the friend has never visited her in 7 years (big hint there about how close she regards the op as a friend! And only contacting her to say thanks for presents)

This would appear to be the OP’s final straw. It’s been a long time coming @Furning and not exactly like the friend has indicated to you in any shape or form for best part of a decade she regards you as a friend close enough to make an effort for

Yes, I believe the friend's behaviour was thoughtless and hurtful.

I’ve decided I’m never speaking to my friends ever again after this thread.

Not one of them has ever offered to bring me Pringles and do all my thinking for me when I was dealing with more than one child with the help of another capable adult.

This friend has a history of suggesting things and never going through with them. Gosh. I wonder if that’s what happened this time! 🤔

I think she just doesn't like the OP anymore... which is understandable given her tone and ignorance throughout this entire thread.

Well I do have children and I am very much on the OP's side on this. What is baffling and hurtful is that the friend got three children across Europe solo but then can't get her act together to see her friend 10 minutes down the road. We have all had bad days, bad hours etc but that she couldn't have carved out one hour in a whole week to see the OP - who was asking for nothing by way of actively enjoyable time with her, only to see her - is simply terrible behaviour. Having small children- which presumably she chose to have- does not absolve you from obligations to other people and other commitments even if they are hard and not 100% what you want to do in that precise moment. OP your updates and back story suggest a woman who has disappeared into the fog of her 'own little family' and is probably a lost cause for now at least. That there may be some red flags in terms of the husband doesn't change the fact that her efforts on your friendship are less than zero and leave you feeling like shit. I would certainly let it fizzle out but I don't think I'd let her off the hook entirely for this week - at a minimum, I wouldn't be rushing to tell her that you understand. You don't and why should you?

What absolute rubbish.

Agreed, I think the OP sounds smart, funny and a no nonsense gal who'd be a great friend. If anything she is under reacting, I think I'd have let this friendship fizzle out a while ago.

’I did not know how popular it was to eat pre-made, uncooked food in hotel rooms (and call it dinner)’

😂😂 Same

I agree. Some of the posts on this thread have been insane. Clearly there are quite a few people out there who think they and their children are owed eternal servitude from their friends, without having to trouble themselves even to open a hotel door to said friends.

Friends yes... but from the gist of the entire thread I get the impression they are enough longer friends. They are former friends who have drifted to acquaintances.

For my friend, I'd welcome them with open arms and just say "the toddler is being a nut, please ignore" but it's clear that isn't the relationship they have.

There's nothing wrong with it... they were once close but they live very different lives now. Maybe in the future when the kids a re a little older the OPs 'friend' will find it easier to leave the kids and they can go back to weekends away etc.

I had a very good friend who went completely off the radar after she met her husband. Lots of pleasantries over texting and 'we should meet up'. Never felt it came from the heart.

A few times we were supposed to meet and she bailed on me. No proper explanation. Always felt as though she was loyal to her new life and her old life wasnt worth much.

I found out this summer that the marriage is all off. I think he may have been controlling or draining, or maybe she just didn't respect me enough.

I think the friendship is over. If your friend doesn't try to make it up to you, I would stop investing.

Maybe she was also genuinely embarrassed by the behaviour of toddler, and just couldnt focus on socialising and enjoying herself. Perhaps she didnt feel as though she would have to present a happy or normal face to her sister but with you she would have to present a more 'together' and organised image with she just couldn't do.

Some people are terrible managing children. My brothers children were feral when younger. He couldnt discipline them.

Exactly.

You aren't a very nice person are you?

Some of the replies on here are 100% batshit. I'd be pretty hurt too op.
Being stuck in a hotel room with 3 kids, one of whom being a pain, would be awful and I'd have snapped your hand off at the offer of a bit of support, coffee, fresh air and a park to get them out.
There is no way as a parent i'd expect a friend, who is almost unknown to my kids, to take one of them out. Ridiculous idea.
There's no valid toddler behaviour based reason why she couldn't have seen you at one of the many places you offered to her.
I'd be pissed off, but also a bit concerned. Once I was I over being initial hurt that is.
It just makes no sense.....

No, I agree, it is strange. And also strange that it’s happened during one of the almost non-existent places she’s been without her husband.

I could not disagree more.

If OP had suggested 20 options to facilitate her friend you lot would be complaining that she hadn't offered the 21st option.

And if she had, you'd be telling her she didn't offer it in the right way.

Totally impossible to please some people.

I'm thinking the possible marriage problem and that's why she had her sister there. She might have been a complete, sobbing mess and felt she couldn't share it. It's a shame if that's the case.

I am, actually.

This does sound super disappointing for you OP and you were supportive in offering various opportunities and options for meet ups. It sounds like you’ve put lots of effort into keeping the friendship going over the years and are naturally confused now because her behaviour was seriously odd. An experienced mother who is allegedly usually very competent and confident managing to get 3 young children across Europe but then staying prisoner in a hotel room for a week despite a close friend being down the road is bizarre and I’d be very worried about what was actually going on with my friend in those circumstances …

Isn’t this just the case of one person viewing a friendship as being much more than then other person views the friendship? Not once to have visited you in 7 years and only ever contacts you to thank you for gifts - she made it pretty obvious how she felt about you @Furning .

and now you’ve seen the light so won’t invest another 7 years in to a very obviously one sided relationship.