AIBU or is this understandable?

[Furning]

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

Maybe you missed the part where I said "I would read it as 100% she is having a beyond shit time of epic proportions."

In other words, I can absolutely imagine not being able to manage an hour away from a child over a week if they were being really really difficult (who knows how the relationship with the sister was playing out, too). And you just don't know what else was going on.

Can you really not imagine that this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with what a terrible time she was having?

I mean, yes, it is also possible she just CBA and blew you off, but it's way more likely (IMO) that it was not about you at all.

Sure. If I was spending a week at my friend’s or her at mine and I’d seen her and spent time with her and the children over a few days I’d be happy to take the kids to a park whilst she went to an art gallery. But I’m not a babysitting service. I’m her friend, and that does mean actually meeting with and talking to her.

How can I be moody with her when I haven't seen her?

I agree friends help each other out, but the OP has said they hadn't sent each other on 2 years. The 6 year old doesn't really know the OP so it's very likely they wouldn't want to go with what is essentially a stranger. I can't quite understand not wanting to leave the hotel. A screaming toddler is harder to cope with in a confined space, and wouldn't go down well with other hotel guests either. I might wonder if she decided she preferred spending the time with her sister but didn't know how to say she'd changed her mind about meeting up.

I said not to worry. I don’t totally understand. I don’t understand at all why I couldn’t go to the hotel for a coffee, or meet at the park or soft play, for one hour in a whole week.

And for seeing her another time, that would 100% require me to fly to see her and I don’t plan to do that.

Maybe she hadn’t thought the logistics through. Has she travelled alone with the 3 kids before? Because there’s no way in the world I’d be taking my 6 yo, baby, and toddler on holiday without another adult to help. So it’s understandable she couldn’t leave the hotel but she really should have thought about what a total nightmare it’d be with 3 kids that age before deciding to go

How am I to be an extra pair of hands with the kids when she wouldn’t meet me?

Right
so you guilt tripped

I don’t think she’ll be keen to meet with you going forward so no need to worry again

Because your focus seemed to be on the social aspect of meeting up and she wasn't in a position provide that for you.

Did you ask her how you could help with the children?

Saying not to worry is guilt tripping? 😂🙄

She clearly didn't intend to travel that far and not leave the hotel, so I'm guessing the toddler's behaviour was totally beyond what usually happens at home and your friend was completely overwhelmed.

She made a time to meet, cancelled due to behaviour, made another time and cancelled again. If she had spent the rest of the week going out and about and catching up with countless other friends, I'd definitely be upset. But, as she hasn't left the hotel, I'd cut her some slack this time. Who knows, the toddler could have just been out of routine, teething, upset tummy, all of the above, or, there are some special needs emerging and these really showed when out of the normal routine.

Not leaving the hotel is very unusual so there may be more to the story that she hasn't shared. It's possible that she thought all would be fine and she was just too embarrassed by finding it all so hard.

Maybe because she felt like she was losing her mind. Having a little kid misbehave can make you feel worthless and that means being around other people feels like a struggle (who don't even want to be around yourself).

Think posters are being unnecessarily harsh. I think it’s on the friend for thinking she could actually make it work with 3 young kids on her own. She shouldn’t have made plans and got your hopes up. She could have at least v said she’ll be there and might possibly be able to meet but might not be able to make it work. Then you wouldn’t have got your hopes up. I don’t blame her for not wanting you to come to the hotel though, kids can be so stressful sometimes and sometimes you’re too busy with them & stressed to see anyone else. She probably thought it was pointless cos she wouldn’t have been able to give you any quality time

You guilt tripped

No I have not. I have made the journey multiple times. My friend has not once made it to see me. Not once, except for this recent visit. And this predates the children.

And when I have went to see her, she’s said she has to get to see her husband. The last time I went for were having dinner. I was going to order dessert and she said she’d have to leave me to enjoy that alone because her DH would be struggling with the kids and she hadn’t seen him all day. That was when I decided I wouldn’t be making the journey again.

I was a fool to have made it then though, because before the kids we’d went out for dinner and drinks, and she said even then that she’d have to leave because she hadn’t seen DH since 8am.

I am happy to wait until she visits me or she can go away on weekend breaks again.

I think you are getting a hard time here, OP, I would have felt very disappointed too. I don’t know why she didn’t leave her youngest and oldest with her sister for a couple of hours and meet you just with the toddler (who would be easier to handle on their own), or leave the toddler and meet you with the other two. Sounds a bit odd to be honest, and I have had children so know what they can be like!

I didn’t ask her to have an hour away from the child. I suggested multiple things to do with the children.

So you’ve travelled multiple times to her
and not once has she to you

Perhaps she isnt bothered about the friendship?

She normally travels with her DH but her sister was with her at the hotel.

Well, friendship is social. It is actually talking after two years of not seeing each other.

No, why would I? I can’t soothe a toddler she can’t soothe. What else can I do? Babysit a six year old who doesn’t know me when I don’t want to spend a day off babysitting?

I think you need to get your dictionary out.

Wow, thankfully my godmother never thought of me that way and actually wanted to spend time with me. Either way, taking one child of her hands for say an hr might have offered a moments respite so when you got back she might have been able to spend some time with you/have a coffee at the hotel.
I don't think she was unreasonable or rude, you're obviously in different places with your friendship now.

Yes, I often think this. But she’ll then message about ‘shall we go to X this year? I think I can leave the kids by December’ or whatever. Then of course she can’t, but she’ll suggest another event or place.

If she’s not bothered, I don’t know why she doesn’t just stop suggesting things.

@Furning i get you’re disappointed. With good reasons. It’s frustrating to know a very good friend is so close agd you can’t see each other.

However, I strongly disagree with your dh. I don’t think her reaction says anything but a new of 3 getting totally overwhelmed.
I mean she was with a 6 months old. That, in itself, can be hard work when you travel, stay in a hotel etc…. Add a toddler that is unsettled? So unsettled you can’t get out of the hotel at all? That must have been a nightmare.
I suspect she both 1- didn’t want you to have to deal with the toddler tantrums and 2- didn’t want the pressure to ‘catch up’ whilst dealing with her dcs/toddler.

I feel you both did the best you could. You were flexible, offered to meet up in different ways, stayed in contact etc…
She did the best she could with her 3 kids. And that was staying at the hotel.
No one is wrong here.

Tbh I’d send her a message to tell her that you’re disappointed it didn’t work out but are looking forward to see her in person. Maybe tryimg to organise something else (on her ground so toddler isn’t as unsettled etc… for example).

Im also Wonderimg if said toddler has always been hard work or is getting harder and harder work. Several days of being do unsettled that you can’t leave a hotel room makes me wonder if something else isn’t going on (eg ND for the toddler, or being ill etc…)

No, sorry, I would not be willing to take out kids I don’t know for a friend who hasn’t had a conversation with me first.

The six year old would hardly want to be out with a stranger either.

I saw my godmother when she came round to see my mother. She never took me out alone and nor would I expect her to.