AIBU - kids sleeping over at GP’s

[Chiavennasca]

My 2 boys, aged 4 & 8, love staying at their GP’s house (DH’s parents.) They stay over every Friday after school. Me and DH love the child free night and usually pick them up the next day about 1/2pm.

here’s my problem. I know they love being fun grandparents, and I get it but sometimes I do wish they would “adult” a bit more. They don’t put them to bed at all, there is no bed time, they get to lie in bed and watch tv till they fall asleep. This is usually after midnight. But both my boys are early risers so they’re still up at 8am the following morning. This means when I pick them up the rest of Saturday is spent with angry, overtired children. but GPs see it as a fun thing “no bed time at Gran and Papas woohoo!” For note - they are both retired and complete night owls themselves.

my other issue is food. Again, they are coming at the angle of being fun grandparents so every meal seems to be optional. Today, MIL said to me “we offered DC (8) x y and z for breakfast but he didn’t want any of it - so he ended up having a packet of wotsits!” I don’t give my DC a choice for breakfast they eat what’s set down in front of them. I know for a fact if she’d given my DC toast or cereal or whatever without question he’d have eaten it.

after we picked them up today, at 2pm, both DCs were hungry (both only had snacks all day - was told sandwiches were made but not eaten) and overtired and crabby. Honestly the rest of the day was a right off and now they’ve both had to go to bed super early on a Saturday night to catch up on sleep. I’m exhausted. For reference - both kids are genuinely super easy go with the flow kids.

I said to my DH that I think we need a break from sleepovers. They are our only outside childcare so they don’t sleepover anywhere else. Me and DH do love the time alone together on a Friday night / sat morning but honestly I don’t think it’s worth it for how rubbish the rest of our Saturday ends up being.

AIBU?

Ask the GPs to change their routine or say no to sleepovers.

I guess I could be biased here because I genuinely don’t know anyone whose children sleep away from them weekly just because.., but I’d have stopped this a while ago. It’s fine for them to be fun grandparents if it’s infrequent. If they have the boys weekly, they have to be parents in your absence.

I mean, I can’t imagine getting a night to myself with my husband once a week and I’m sure that’s tough to give up; but I don’t think I’d be in favour of an arrangement that meant I got one less night with my kids AND then they were overtired nightmares when they got home…

I’m presuming one of you has already talked to them and told them that if they can’t stick to routine at least vaguely, the sleepovers will have to stop?

Will the Grandparents not change things if asked?

Could you pick them up a bit later? Let them deal with tired and hungry DC and just pick them up in time for dinner and an early bedtime.

If everyone really enjoys the sleepover I would try and find a way to make it work.

Why not go for once a month instead ?

You don't give them a choice for breakfast sounds much more batshit to me than anything else. My mum loves my kids, she'll do what she feels like they are missing. Perhaps that's not a batshit parent? Say no to Fridays and watch your own kids if you don't like it.

Every Friday is a lot if it's effectively ruining the rest of the weekend.

You could start planning some days out on Saturday that mean leaving early so makes sense for them to stay at home and gradually make it every other weekend.

I would be telling the GPs that their 'fun' grandparenting, is resulting in grumpy, miserable kids when they get home, and while you very much appreciate them taking the kids overnight, as it gives you respite, and time for you to spend with each other, if they can't, or won't, stick to a more reasonable routine, you're going to have to stop the kids going there. Have either of you had this conversation with them, and if not, why not?

of course gps can do things differently but not so much, it sounds like they don’t have any common sense.
Will they listen?
If you think that not I would cut sleepovers however I would offer something different instead e.g afternoon on Saturdays.

You can't have it both ways .
Friday nights off or miserable Saturdays
I'd go for once a month sleepovers.

If you're unhappy with the situation you have choices;

1. Speak to GP and ask them to make changes.

1. Stop the sleepovers

1. Accept the grouchy Saturday on exchange for child free Friday.

The sleepovers as they are sound great for a once a month or so. Not weekly as you say it ruins the weekend.

id speak to GP about how a film in bed and later than usual is ok for weekly but no bedtimes isn’t working for you the next day.

maybe ask your 8 year old to make sure he and his brother have proper breakfast before crisps

If you don’t like the way they do things stop sending your kids there .

You have let this go on for too long and it's now become a thing that the kids are likely to expect and perhaps why they are so happy to go each week in the first place.
It sounds like that actually these fun things might actually be the grandparents bribing them into wanting to stay and maybe they also did it if the kids seemed upset about staying by suggesting you don't need mummy and daddy when you can have a special breakfast with granny, and don't worry about bedtime, our house you can stay up til whenever.

I think as you want childcare every week still then it's going to be hard to tell them to stop this as both grandparents and kids will see you as the bad guy.

I guess having a not so great Saturday afternoon with over tired kids is the price you pay for having every Friday night and Saturday morning free and only you can decide if it’s worth it or not.

I can totally understand your frustration but likewise I can understand why grandparents want to have fun with their grandchildren rather than enforcing rules. I do think midnight is very late considering the age of your kids though and something a bit more filling would be better for breakfast. Is there a compromise you could reach with them? I am sure the kids love their time with their grandparents

Your 8 year old at least is old enough to understand that he should eat a proper breakfast, and if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t get to stay over.

Your DH needs to to speak to his parents and you both need to speak to your DC. Refusing cereal/toast if they normally eat it isn’t on.

I’d be annoyed as well and I’d have stopped this a while back. A reasonable bedtime needs to be agreed. The people I know whose DC had a regular night at DgPs were happy that bedtime and meals were ok, if not exactly what they would have done. This situation is ridiculous on a weekly basis.

The current set up is crazy all round. Do they not want their grandchildren to eat well and get enough sleep? Do you not like spending time with your children (voluntarily giving up a whole evening every week with my young children sounds alien to me).

One night a week! That is so much childcare it basically tips the balance into a part time carers dynamic. It obviously it can’t continue as it is, with no rules once a week, so you have two choices; weekly sleepovers continue but with slightly less freedom (9pm bedtime, proper food before treats, so it’s fun but within limits) or sleepovers become a monthly thing where anything goes but it’s less regular.

I had a similar experience to your DC growing up. GPs every weekend, no bed time and lots of snacks. I loved it, I had the most amazing relationship and memories with my GPs and I am so grateful for it.
Just take the DC straight home Saturday afternoon and give them chance to rest there. You may find they would be cranky even without the sleepover, since starting school my DC is always exhausted on Saturdays.

Limit it to once a month and tell them why. Hopefully, if they want to see the children, they will create more of a routine . But let them keep some treats and nonsense: it's part of the grandparent relationship. They will so benefit from these extra people who love them. There was a report I saw the other day about children who have regular contact with loving grandparents and they are mush happier, more secure children.

It’s fine on occasion, but not every weekend. I wouldn’t allow my 13 year old a sleepover every weekend. She’d be an exhausted wreck.

You simply need to say this isn’t working for us anymore. Cut it to once a month or school holidays only. And let them have them all day the next day. So once a month, Friday after school til Saturday dinner. Then they can deal with the exhaustion.

Have you even discussed the issues with them? Surely if you explained there was a problem, your in-laws would change their approach. I’m a gran myself and have my dgd regularly for sleepovers, and would hope that if there were any problems that my dd would mention it. Seems a bit unfair not to give them a chance to resolve things.

PIL are a bit like this not with food but with bedtime and just doing exactly what DS wants when he wants. (He's the only child of an only child in DHs side....). However he only stays over maybe 4/5 times a year so it's easy to let slide, it's usually during school holidays too so not so bothered about disruption to routine. I don't know anyone who doesn't have their children for half the weekend every week just because. How do you do things as a family when it's only Sunday you have as a day together and they have school on a Monday morning? Cut the sleepovers to once a month and the lack of rules and routine is less of an issue.

Unfortunately as great as having one night off a week is, if the GPs won’t enforce your rules then you need to give it up and cancel the sleepovers.

Once a week is way too disruptive to have a lack of the kind of discipline you want.

You get Friday night off, a lie in Saturday and don’t pick them up until Saturday afternoon and YOU ARE EXHAUSTED? 😂😂😂

My toddler and baby sleep through, I know mums that don’t have this luxury. I have no childcare and wouldn’t say I was exhausted.

I agree with a PP this is alien to me. It’s as if you don’t want to spend time with your children. Every weekend is a lot.

Really? My DS 5 stays over at my aunties every other weekend and has done for the past few years. I guess DH and I got lucky or maybe it’s a cultural thing.

@Chiavennasca have you broached the routine with them at all? Might be worth having a chat and reiterating the importance of sticking to the routine and boundaries. We’ve had to do this with my aunties when kiddos stayed over before.

good luck!