AIBU - kids sleeping over at GP’s

[Chiavennasca]

My 2 boys, aged 4 & 8, love staying at their GP’s house (DH’s parents.) They stay over every Friday after school. Me and DH love the child free night and usually pick them up the next day about 1/2pm.

here’s my problem. I know they love being fun grandparents, and I get it but sometimes I do wish they would “adult” a bit more. They don’t put them to bed at all, there is no bed time, they get to lie in bed and watch tv till they fall asleep. This is usually after midnight. But both my boys are early risers so they’re still up at 8am the following morning. This means when I pick them up the rest of Saturday is spent with angry, overtired children. but GPs see it as a fun thing “no bed time at Gran and Papas woohoo!” For note - they are both retired and complete night owls themselves.

my other issue is food. Again, they are coming at the angle of being fun grandparents so every meal seems to be optional. Today, MIL said to me “we offered DC (8) x y and z for breakfast but he didn’t want any of it - so he ended up having a packet of wotsits!” I don’t give my DC a choice for breakfast they eat what’s set down in front of them. I know for a fact if she’d given my DC toast or cereal or whatever without question he’d have eaten it.

after we picked them up today, at 2pm, both DCs were hungry (both only had snacks all day - was told sandwiches were made but not eaten) and overtired and crabby. Honestly the rest of the day was a right off and now they’ve both had to go to bed super early on a Saturday night to catch up on sleep. I’m exhausted. For reference - both kids are genuinely super easy go with the flow kids.

I said to my DH that I think we need a break from sleepovers. They are our only outside childcare so they don’t sleepover anywhere else. Me and DH do love the time alone together on a Friday night / sat morning but honestly I don’t think it’s worth it for how rubbish the rest of our Saturday ends up being.

AIBU?

Honestly it would upset me to be without me child for half the weekend every weekend. From school Friday until early afternoon Saturday is such a lot of your potential family time. And it sounds like Saturday afternoon and evening go out the window too. I would definitely be reducing this to once a month max but then to be honest that's the max amount of child free time i'd want, so I don't have your conflict of giving up your time off. It's very selfish of them to do what they're doing - it's all about their enjoyment in the moment and nothing to do with your children's wider wellbeing.

Once a week overnight? That’s not a sleepover, that’s shared custody. Not a snowball’s chance in hell I’d agree to that, even without the fact that they don’t care for the children properly. MIL won’t like it, but I would put a stop to this.

It's too often to be so full on.

In four years Dh and I haven’t had a night off. You are in a privileged position. If you don’t like it, don’t allow the sleepovers.

At risk of sounding like a broken record...

...or maybe OP could simply ask the GPs to have the boys in bed for 10pm and not let them have crisps for breakfast. There's no need to go for the nuclear option when neither parent has even suggested this to the GPs.

Mine stay with my dad a few times a month and it’s great, but I’ve had to tell him off about bedtime. Surly you can just talk to them? I said to my dad I don’t mind him feeding them treats and the like but they need to be in bed by 10 absolute latest! He doesn’t remember what it’s like to deal with overtired crabby kids.

You’re lucky to get a night off a week (I know I’m very lucky and thankful for my dad) so I’d maybe try and broach this before you give that up!

I'd stop the sleepovers because it's way to much to be like that every single week. I wouldn't want my children spending that much time away anyway that's a solid chunk of the weekend without them.

Wow, that’s a nightmare. I would have stopped this years ago. It’s detrimental and unhealthy for your children. I understand the want for an evening with DH but not to this extent. Is there any chance grandparents would step up to structure and routines? They sound pretty wet and useless dressed up as relaxed and kind.

I think it’s great personally, you get couples time with your dh and know the dc are happy with family who love them. I think the tired Saturday afternoons are a fair price to pay. Just factor in early nights all round.

I stayed with my GPS EW! Used to sleep with my Nan! Very similar to your DC ..except Nan would expect me to eat well. Some treats but always proper Bf of classic eggs and bacon. Later Bedtimes .I think if they are happy and you enjoy time with hubby.the to suck it up really. They are building memories and you are building a solid marriage. Time alone is precious.

They are your children so you are not being unreasonable here to expect the children’s basic needs to be met. That’s really bad do the 4 year old to be awake to potentially midnight (it’s not great for the 8 year old either)

They can be the fun GP’s but still place in boundaries and meet the children’s basic needs.

Definitely have your DH speak to them about setting the boundaries and pull back from the weekly sleepovers. Once a month or every few weeks.

Its so lovely that they have a bond and a positive relationship their GP. But they still need to be the adults in the house and not let their grandchildren have crisps for breakfast or nothing at all.

This is why I don’t have sleepovers unless I’m absolutely desperate or if it’s unavoidable. It’s just not worth the hassle for the rest of the weekend for me 😩
Despite me telling GPs what to do, kids seem to act different (because they get away with it) and GPs seem to give in very easily too and not use common sense?!

Mine stay with my dad a few times a month and it’s great, but I’ve had to tell him off about bedtime.

"Tell him off"?

I'm so fucking glad that my DD doesn't infantilise me, but communicates pleasantly, adult to adult.

Jeeeze

I get that the grandparents want to spoil their grandkids and if it was once a month then maybe I’d let it slide but every Friday up until gone midnight? 10pm is late enough for a treat for those ages surely? The breakfast situation isn’t ideal. Maybe make it every other week or pick them up a bit earlier so they don’t get to the middle of the day without eating properly?

Years ago when my 2 were young, I had a friend whose kids used to go to their grandparents every Friday night and I was so jealous as I had no family nearby. I think it’s great that you get regular quality couple time.

Yhe put him in a time out too, 72 mins (supernanny method of a min per year of age).

🙄🙄 give over it’s obviously just a turn of phrase.

I say "blunt" because someone who comes on MN and hasn't raised this issue already, is probably the kind to skirt around the problem and even do something nuclear, like putting an end to the sleepovers. Whereas for most people, this conversation would have already happened. If my mum did this, i would literally say "hey mum, kid needs to go to bed much earlier than midnight, he's way too grouchy by Saturday afternoon, it may look like he's having fun but he can't cope with this little sleep".

By blunt, I guess I mean clear and honest.

My parents are not as bad as yours but likewise can be loose with rules and I also got the point of needing to say that DC needed to be in bed on time and please stop with so much screen time because the consequences for me are not worth the trade off. My parents are reasonable humans so we found a middle ground of still spoiling DC a bit while not wrecking them for the weekend. I’d definitely talk to them but let them know if it continues as is, it won’t be able to be regular.

That's fair.

And yes, I'm massively frustrated by this thread because OP hasn't even mentioned the issue to the GPs, and clearly has no intention of doing so. Yet many posters on here are responding as though she's asked many times and the GPs are stubbornly refusing!

Oh have a word with yourself! You have willing and able grandparents who want to and do take your kids one night a week - you should be thanking your lucky stars you and DH have this alone time to do whatever you like! I am a very laid back mum and I have trusted my own parents and in-laws with my kids from day one, just as I was trusted with my own grandparents when I was a child - if you don’t like it then don’t have the sleepovers, job done. However, I think you would be shooting yourself in the foot. Childcare like this is gold dust these days and also I can guarantee your kids absolutely adore the time they spend with their grandparents so think about that too. Routines are great but when it comes to Nanny and Grandad time it all goes out the window and rightly so, if you don’t like it then don’t do it but after a week or two you’ll be wanting that childcare back I’m sure.

Actually, my DD is more likely to tell me to loosen up! My grandkids have to eat at the table, don't have as much screen time as they do at home, and there are a couple more 'Grandma's rules' that they almost seem to enjoy rather than resent! The older one has been known to remind her little sister of them when they're both here!

I'd ask them to put light out earlier for sure. Midnight is silly for children that age.

But if they didn't I'd make it less frequent.

Tbh i would probably do that anyway. I'd hate to have every Friday night / sat morning away from DC.

Yes agree. Cannot imagine my children telling me off …so patronising! Absolutely fine with suggestions etc

I think once a week is too disruptive to their routine personally. I’d do once per month and then it can be a real treat and not matter so much if they relax the usual routine.

Fgs..... they're not young for long.
Ask the GPS to sort an earlier bedtime and tell the kids any grumpiness and they don't go the following week.. and enjoy your Friday's!!

The grandparents clearly adore their grandchildren and vice versa too but I wonder if they realise the effect the late night has on them. Is there any way you could gently suggest a slightly earlier night and just explain that they struggle the rest of the weekend catching up on sleep.