AIBU - kids sleeping over at GP’s

[Chiavennasca]

My 2 boys, aged 4 & 8, love staying at their GP’s house (DH’s parents.) They stay over every Friday after school. Me and DH love the child free night and usually pick them up the next day about 1/2pm.

here’s my problem. I know they love being fun grandparents, and I get it but sometimes I do wish they would “adult” a bit more. They don’t put them to bed at all, there is no bed time, they get to lie in bed and watch tv till they fall asleep. This is usually after midnight. But both my boys are early risers so they’re still up at 8am the following morning. This means when I pick them up the rest of Saturday is spent with angry, overtired children. but GPs see it as a fun thing “no bed time at Gran and Papas woohoo!” For note - they are both retired and complete night owls themselves.

my other issue is food. Again, they are coming at the angle of being fun grandparents so every meal seems to be optional. Today, MIL said to me “we offered DC (8) x y and z for breakfast but he didn’t want any of it - so he ended up having a packet of wotsits!” I don’t give my DC a choice for breakfast they eat what’s set down in front of them. I know for a fact if she’d given my DC toast or cereal or whatever without question he’d have eaten it.

after we picked them up today, at 2pm, both DCs were hungry (both only had snacks all day - was told sandwiches were made but not eaten) and overtired and crabby. Honestly the rest of the day was a right off and now they’ve both had to go to bed super early on a Saturday night to catch up on sleep. I’m exhausted. For reference - both kids are genuinely super easy go with the flow kids.

I said to my DH that I think we need a break from sleepovers. They are our only outside childcare so they don’t sleepover anywhere else. Me and DH do love the time alone together on a Friday night / sat morning but honestly I don’t think it’s worth it for how rubbish the rest of our Saturday ends up being.

AIBU?

Of course there are some wild responses on this thread! You're just used to the Mumsnet tone and see it as normal, when it really isn't. No-one in real life would talk to their friends and acquaintances like people do here, from the safety of their screens.

Not unreasonable at all OP.

Kids needs structure, they can be the ‘fun grandparents’ while also implementing structure and routine into the kids. After all, they are 2 fully grown adults, they know full well themselves the importance of it all. We’re raising future adults here.

You are the worried parent in this situation and I’m sorry, grandparents or not they need to abide by this, it’s boundaries and rules that need to be set in place clearly.

And no one in real life would bitch to their friends about their parents doing them such an absolutely enormous favour - and also of course we're not her friends.

There's no way she wants to draw attention in real life to the fact that she's dumping her kids for a whole day each week with her parents, she's well aware that's pretty wild behaviour. That's why she's asking anonymously.

None of the responses have been wild or out of order, just a bit blunt.

Such is life when you ask questions online and are apparently oblivious to your own great good fortune.

Did you not learn to read? The gp didn’t do their parenting time, they want it now.

Did you not learn to think?

Nah, they still parented of course, unless they sent the kid off to boarding school or had a full time nanny.

They've done their parenting, now it's OP's job.

As you are aware, OP is scrambling to make excuses for choosing not to parent her own kids every single Friday/Saturday and pretend it's a gift to the grandparents when in fact her "child free" nights each week are a gift to her and her husband only.

So OP can choose not to parent for a full day each week and her parents get to do her job for her, on their own terms.

They aren’t her parents, for a start. Her parents are dead.

I sympathise. DH mother was and is still like this. Has no interest in really parenting my DS, just let him do what he wanted as it was an easier life. It meant we basically stopped asking for her to have him - because exactly as you say - the next day was just a right off and we deserve a nice weekend together. It pissed me off that she would laugh at "what happens at Nanny's stays at Nanny's".

My DM is totally different and im so lucky and grateful for her. She will spend her entire time occupying DS with baking, reading, playing board games etc... then she will put him to bed at roughly his normal bedtime. He prefers staying there because although his routine is more closely followed - he gets more attention and doesnt have that "hangover" the next morning!

It's perfectly fine for kids to stay with their GPs once a week. In most of the world (and in the UK in the past) children are raised by extended families and the modern western nuclear family approach is not the norm. The key thing is being with loving caring adults - the kids clearly have a close relationship with their GPs and this is great for their well-being. It's ok for other posters not to want to do this, but it's not weird or irresponsible parenting to allow it.

That said, it's clear the GPs have gone OTT with the laissez faire approach - kids do need more sleep and nutrition than they're getting. So a gentle word from their son is the best approach, focused on the kids needs and their well-being rather than parents preference. Hopefully they'll be able to adjust to a more reasonable "special" bedtime and a nice but nutritious breakfast (pancakes?).

Sorry for your loss OP, having lost both your parents in recent years while still young is tough.

Have you actually spoken to the children about their behaviour at the grandparents? This post is all about them making things hard for you the next day, but actually as I said earlier, it could be the children that instigate all of this. Why don't they put themselves to bed and tell grandparents they are tired? One of your posts makes it sound like they are being made to stay up late. Also when you say late, how late is this in reality?
As I said before the breakfast issue was down to your child. They refused the breakfast that was offered so were given crisps - presumably as the grandparents were worried it would look bad if they hadn't had anything.
The fact you are keen to ship them off every Friday night as you want a break makes me think there is more to it than just the grandparents.

they feel like having their grandsons is giving them the family time they never got with my DH so I definitely don’t want to take that away from them

But those children aren’t theirs. I’d change it to either one sleepover per month, or just having dinner at their grandparents and not sleeping over. You said you spend Friday night at home. You could watch tv after the children go to bed at your house on Friday.

What wonderful grandparents. How very kind of them to have your children every week. I think a grouchy afternoon is worthwhile for Friday and Saturday morning off and the bonus of an early night for them on Saturday night. Maybe the food options are not great but presumably this is Friday night supper and Saturday breakfast leaving you to provide perfect nutritious meals for the other 19 meals a week.

This is pure projection and it’s frankly disgraceful. In this day and age we are still tearing other women down for parenting differently. The mumsnet community is awful OP, a bunch of bored keyboard warriors. There are a few lovely helpful poster but they are few and far between.

You didn’t want this setup for your family, fine. That doesn’t make the OP selfish, neglectful, or desperate to get rid of her children. Plenty of children thrive with involved grandparents. That is a village, and children are better for having one. I assume in your bitter case, you didn’t get this support.

The wild leap to pubs, bad parenting and “wanting a break every weekend” isn’t concern… it’s bitterness. It reads like resentment toward someone who has support, while others don’t, and so try to tear it down instead.

Different families work in different ways. Dragging women for finding balance, for their kids and their marriage, is exactly the problem.

It’s unhealthy for all those involved to be unable to have time separately, I assume you possibly have separation anxiety. And that’s fine but don’t shoot somebody else down because it doesn’t work for you.

I agree. And so what if op and her dh were going to the pub on a Friday night.
Martyring yourself to your children certainly hasn't benefitted anyone here. The bitterness and tearing others down shows it.

I agree with this (except the last sentence).

The older child in particular should be starting to learn to self-regulate in terms of what they eat and when they go to sleep.

Personally I think the op is being a little controlling and that this could be turned into "life lessons" rather than problems.

I don't think once a week is going to kill your DC. Let them have no rules at their GPs'. DC know the difference between rules in different houses at a very young age.

I can't help thinking of the memories the kids will have, of fun sleepovers where they got to let loose and have fun doing as they pleased. When their grandparents are gone they'll treasure these memories.
That said, a word with their grandparents about a strict bedtime limit (later than their bedtimes on a school night) and better breakfast choices cant hurt.

You're responses are really quite unpleasant and bitter. Spending time with grandparents can be so important for kids, and Jesus, why shouldn't the parents have some time off?

Another grandparent reporting for duty … martyring the wonderful kind GPs who have zero boundaries around their grandkids and would probably be roundly decrying the parenting if the DIL was to do this herself (not their DS of course, no no)!

And as for the parents providing the other 19 meals in a healthy nutritious way through the week so the GPs get the benefit of being able to chuck the kids a pack of crisps…

Fck that.

I want the benefit of being able to throw a guilt free meal at my kids when I’m shattered after being woken up in the night, screamed at, sorting out dozens of loads of laundry, school bags, sports kits, homework, diaries, everything else.

If the GPs are retired and have naff all else to do for the week, why can’t they make a bloody healthy nutritious meal that the kids like…. So that for a different night, I don’t have to.

Even my DH knows that when he’s in charge of dinner (about once every two weeks) it doesn’t mean he chucks a pizza in the oven. No. That’s my back up when I’m frazzled, not someone else’s easy way out where I’ll pick up the pieces with the healthy meals the rest of the time. Otherwise it’s not helping - you’re just switching form of respite for another!

definitely Fck that!!

Yep- my kids adore time at my parents, they get well fed with healthy meals and lots of relaxing time playing games and building cubbies and swimming and on sleepover nights (which are a couple of times a year) they get sent to bed at a reasonable time! It’s just lazy to not look after them.

my DH is an only child and his parents worked 24/7 so they could retire early (they are both only in their 50s) they have both said they feel like having their grandsons is giving them the family time they never got with my DH

This sentence jumped at me!
Oh FFS so they worked worked worked while their only child was little and now want to have the fun bits?

Too late is what I would say if it was my parents.

And they are in their 50s? well maybe they can still have their own child to spoil and mess up.

This reminds me of when mine were tiny, auntie would sweep up overwork and over tire everyone and then fuck off home to her lovely little life and we were left to pick up the pieces

Where has the OP called anyone names?

You’ve been quite rude and have made up things the OP hasn’t even said, because you clearly lack reading comprehension.

They are your children ,and you call the shots .If it was once in a while go crazy,not every week x

My parents moved down from Scotland when I was in hospital having my second child (DD, my DS was 4 at the time) and they lived with us for 2 years until they got their own place - which in all honesty was a waking nightmare for me as I had a VERY strained relationship with my mum. When I was born many, many, urgh...many years ago my mother suffered post natal depression and got absolutely no help for it, consequently we never really bonded and she was not the world's best mother, but my goodness! She excelled at being a grandmother and just had an outpouring of maternal instinct for both my DC. My DS was very much a mummy's boy but my DD was glued to her GP's and spent almost every weekend from Friday after she'd had her dinner, until Sunday mornings with her GP's, who lived a 5 minute walk away. It was very difficult for me to let her stay with them so often and I don't mind admitting that I got very jealous of how close she was to them but she just adored them and they adored her and looking back, being generous enough to share my DC gave my own mum a second chance that she treasured and my DD the most wonderful, safe and loving second home that was of immeasurable emotional benefit. Maybe I'm wrong but in my own experience giving your DC the gift of completely indulgent GPs that shower them with unconditional love can be infuriating for you but can give your DC an almost magical childhood experience that will become treasured memories for them as they get older.