AIBU - kids sleeping over at GP’s

[Chiavennasca]

My 2 boys, aged 4 & 8, love staying at their GP’s house (DH’s parents.) They stay over every Friday after school. Me and DH love the child free night and usually pick them up the next day about 1/2pm.

here’s my problem. I know they love being fun grandparents, and I get it but sometimes I do wish they would “adult” a bit more. They don’t put them to bed at all, there is no bed time, they get to lie in bed and watch tv till they fall asleep. This is usually after midnight. But both my boys are early risers so they’re still up at 8am the following morning. This means when I pick them up the rest of Saturday is spent with angry, overtired children. but GPs see it as a fun thing “no bed time at Gran and Papas woohoo!” For note - they are both retired and complete night owls themselves.

my other issue is food. Again, they are coming at the angle of being fun grandparents so every meal seems to be optional. Today, MIL said to me “we offered DC (8) x y and z for breakfast but he didn’t want any of it - so he ended up having a packet of wotsits!” I don’t give my DC a choice for breakfast they eat what’s set down in front of them. I know for a fact if she’d given my DC toast or cereal or whatever without question he’d have eaten it.

after we picked them up today, at 2pm, both DCs were hungry (both only had snacks all day - was told sandwiches were made but not eaten) and overtired and crabby. Honestly the rest of the day was a right off and now they’ve both had to go to bed super early on a Saturday night to catch up on sleep. I’m exhausted. For reference - both kids are genuinely super easy go with the flow kids.

I said to my DH that I think we need a break from sleepovers. They are our only outside childcare so they don’t sleepover anywhere else. Me and DH do love the time alone together on a Friday night / sat morning but honestly I don’t think it’s worth it for how rubbish the rest of our Saturday ends up being.

AIBU?

Some flex in the routine is fine but no bedtime at all? For a 4 year old? It's not healthy, it's not helpful. Have you talked to them about it? I would try to establish some ground rules.
I think it's lovely that the GPs are so involved but not like this.
But just talk to them first and explain why it's not working, can they adapt - if not, cut down on the sleepovers and get a babysitter instead.

I voted YABU because you have been so wet about this. Have you never said anything to your in laws about how there need to be some limits? Plus it's sounding a bit pathetic that you're exhausted after a whole afternoon of parenting your own tired children. Get a grip. Either stop the sleepovers and stay in on a Friday, or use your words and speak to the grandparents.

Have you talked to them? Explained the effect of their choices on the children?

Or, better still - how about letting them experience it? Ask them to have the boys Friday and Saturday? And then talk to them about it?

A weekly sleepover is a lot. If they can't/won't amen how these sleepovers go, I'd drop the frequency to monthly.

Why are you considering stopping the sleepovers, rather than having a cordial conversation with the GPs, pointing out that, much as it's lots of fun, the midnight bedtimes and non-breakfasts are showing in the kids behaviour?

You give no indication that you've actually asked the GPs to do anything differently @Chiavennasca . So at least give them a chance to adapt the routine, rather than punish them and the children by stopping the sleepovers.

ETA and importantly, don't turn the conversation into a threat if they don't do what you want (as other posters have suggested). Just ask them.

I can’t imagine having a night with my husband every single week either (though to be fair we are immigrants so our setup is unusual. We have pretty much never left our kids anywhere without us)! Agree with above - if this has been going on for years it’s hard to see how to change it. I’d just decide if the 24 hours of peace is worth it. Or pick them up later and they can deal with the less fun time of day.

I just found that when my kids were small that staying over with grandparents wasn’t worth it for me. Like that they had no bed time and the food situation was bad including letting my 3 year old have unlimited fizzy drinks 🙄Which caused him to wet the bed multiple times and was very upsetting for him.

Now my kids are older I find it works well, they are old enough to have a late night and will regulate their own junk intake a bit better.

I’d just leave it till they were older.

My parents have DD on a Tuesday night at the moment. They've always done some regular childcare but it means we've an agreement about what slides. She always eats really well, perhaps a little bit later to bed, does her reading and on time to school on a Wednesday. If they're doing anything outside that - holidays/weekends then that can be GP time. It's on me to deal with any fallout!

No op this is ridiculous and toxic.

There are MANY ways to ease the rules and many sleepovers really fun and memorable without neglecting children's basic needs of food and sleep.

Quite frankly I'd be saying very clearly to them both at the same time with your other half there that you really want to continue the sleep overs because you think their relationship with your kids is really important, but that the late nights and the junk food are destroying your Sunday with them because they are coming back exhausted, irritable, hungry and difficult to manage which is stressful for everyone on the other end. I'd say that you've run with this for a while because you really appreciate the effort they are putting in, but that you need to draw a line in the sand with a bedtime and proper meals when they stay. If granny and grandad can't do that then the sleepovers will have to stop because it's not fair on the kids to leave them that dysregulated.

The other side to this op is that at some point your children will be boundary pushing teenagers and what your parents are doing is actually undermining you and telling your kids that they can always come to them to avoid your rules and discipline. Which is why so many parents of teens now struggle to manage them and they run off to grandparents who refuse to set boundaries and then they end up in vulnerable positions.

Nip this in the bud now. You are the parent.

Edited to add, this is going on the assumption that you have mentioned this gently to them first and they have continued with no boundaries. You need to just ask them directly and nicely first.

Or maybe just communicate with the GPs first and given them chance to change the routine?
It's a strategy that doesn't seem to have occurred to OP, who's heading straight for punishing both the GPs and the kids.

So many varied replies - thanks to all.

some notes: so this hasn’t gone on for years or anything. The sleepovers only became this frequent last summer. My own DM sadly took very unwell and passed away - but in the lead up to her dying the boys ended up having a lot of spontaneous sleepovers so my DH and I could be with my DM.

and to the ridiculous comments saying I don’t want to spend time with my children! I love spending time with my children. But they adore their GPs, who are now the only grandparents they have, and I am keen this relationship stays strong.

no, I haven’t spoken to GPs. I don’t want them to think I’m overstepping. I’m expressed my concerns to my own DH this weekend (although it’s been playing on my mind last few weekends) and I’ve urged him to have a word.

I’ll was all for letting things slide a bit when DD stayed with her Granny (basically pudding, sweets and telly in bed), but no way every Friday with a ruined Saturday.

So basically no decent family time at the weekend? Not worth a night off imo.

I used to spend 2 nights a weeks at my grandparents back in the 80’s. I would give anything to have those days and nights back. So I’m sorry, I’m going to disagree with the majority and let it slide. Grandparents are precious as are the memories with them. What is a late night and rubbish breakfast compared to the crap I ate as a kid for one day? Let it go and relish the fact your kids have grandparents ❤️

Lovely as a once a month treat but do you really not want to spend at least some of your Friday nights with your kids??

I’d be setting some ground ground rules and reducing to once a month.

If you’ve not got plans for the Saturday a chill afternoon and an early night surely isn’t that much of a hardship?
I would be supplying a breakfast for them though- even if it’s “fun” cereals or treat pastries etc.
If you have plans for a Saturday then just skip the sleepovers that week. But honestly most people would jump at the chance to have child free time each week. I honestly think DH and I have had around 20 nights completely child free in total and we have been married 19 years!!

Sorry I only read this after I posted. Sorry for your loss and I just think grandparents are there to spoil kids. They’re maybe conscious of the fact your own DM has passed too.

If you are picking them up at 2pm that's only 5 hours of parenting with an early bedtime which seems very manageable to me even with grumpy kids! I would personally suck it up for the childcare. Or maybe reduce to one or twice a month depending on what's on on a Saturday.

Yes it has occurred to me too that perhaps they are overcompensating because the boys have lost their Nana

So you are child free from drop off until Friday morning and then have to mother for a few hours until you put them to bed early, oh the horror!

It's a conversation your DH needs to have and he needs to be blunt - grateful for the Friday evenings but it's completely ruining our Saturdays. Kids need to go to bed much earlier, end of.

I'd leave the food out of it, just pick your battles

I think,you are incredibly fortunate to have the grandparents have your children so that you get a night and the following morning off? This is the trade off. Just a
politecword with the grandparents and also tell,your kids to eat th3 breakfast choices.

Yabu for sending them somewhere with such a bad routine for their health so regularly.
yabu to expect gp to do things differently if they don’t want to while providing free childcare.

you might have to say that you’ll pick them up at 8pm so you can put them to bed, or at the very least pick them up
at 8.30am and give them breakfast at your house

Are the gps happy with this arrangement op? Or do they feel like you that it’s just sort of become a thing!
I have Sen kids that won’t sleep away from us and never have done, it’s something we do want to work on, so I feel it’s lovely that you get some time, but also I’d try cutting it down to once every other week or once a month, if it’s less frequent it does t matter too much if they are spoilt by gps!
Im sorry for the loss of your dm!

What sort of childhood did your DH have? This sounds as if it’s bordering on neglect!

Will your in-law's be offended if you were honest in a gentle way? The boys love staying over on a Friday night, but we are finding that they are tired and grouchy on a Saturday and into Sunday. Would it be possible for you to have them in bed at X o'clock. Food wise, yes it's annoying but you can feed hungry children once home. Your biggest issue is the fact the boys aren't getting the sleep they need. If after a conversation nothing changes, then I'd say the sleepovers are then cut to once a month or are during school holidays.