AIBU - kids sleeping over at GP’s

[Chiavennasca]

My 2 boys, aged 4 & 8, love staying at their GP’s house (DH’s parents.) They stay over every Friday after school. Me and DH love the child free night and usually pick them up the next day about 1/2pm.

here’s my problem. I know they love being fun grandparents, and I get it but sometimes I do wish they would “adult” a bit more. They don’t put them to bed at all, there is no bed time, they get to lie in bed and watch tv till they fall asleep. This is usually after midnight. But both my boys are early risers so they’re still up at 8am the following morning. This means when I pick them up the rest of Saturday is spent with angry, overtired children. but GPs see it as a fun thing “no bed time at Gran and Papas woohoo!” For note - they are both retired and complete night owls themselves.

my other issue is food. Again, they are coming at the angle of being fun grandparents so every meal seems to be optional. Today, MIL said to me “we offered DC (8) x y and z for breakfast but he didn’t want any of it - so he ended up having a packet of wotsits!” I don’t give my DC a choice for breakfast they eat what’s set down in front of them. I know for a fact if she’d given my DC toast or cereal or whatever without question he’d have eaten it.

after we picked them up today, at 2pm, both DCs were hungry (both only had snacks all day - was told sandwiches were made but not eaten) and overtired and crabby. Honestly the rest of the day was a right off and now they’ve both had to go to bed super early on a Saturday night to catch up on sleep. I’m exhausted. For reference - both kids are genuinely super easy go with the flow kids.

I said to my DH that I think we need a break from sleepovers. They are our only outside childcare so they don’t sleepover anywhere else. Me and DH do love the time alone together on a Friday night / sat morning but honestly I don’t think it’s worth it for how rubbish the rest of our Saturday ends up being.

AIBU?

Have you actually spoken to the GPs and explained the issue to them? If they don't have your kids all day Saturday they may not be aware of the problem. OTOH, if they stop being the fun grandparents the kids may no longer want to go there.

I agree. Friday and Saturday are the best days! I wouldn’t want to miss out on every weekend with my child (younger than OP’s).

But how much mum-free time do the kids want?

It's really healthy for kids to spend time away from their parents and to form a network of bonds with a range of adults who love them. As a mum myself, I understand the yearning to be the be-all and end-all to these little people we love more than the world, but kids also need freedom.

It says a lot about you that you took them food shopping when you picked them up instead of doing it during your child free time. That’s pretty selfish and un child focused.

Good idea.

I am not bitter. I simply can not fathom how; the OP could be exhausted? and how she can willingly give half her weekend, the only time they get as a family, away each week. I can’t understand why she wouldn’t want to spend this as a family. I am not the only poster that has raised this either.

You speak about your own experiences as a child but not as a mum or dad. Do we as parents want a break occasionally, yes absolutely! Do children need to foster good relationships with their grandparents, yes absolutely. But every weekend, this is absurd. You seem to have missed this point completely and somehow think I’m bitter. For this reason I don’t believe you have children so in my opinion can’t offer thoughts on an experience you can’t relate to.

I will not reply to further comments.

I think it is madness the GP have no rules - my DD (9) has a weekly sleepover at GPs and always has (it is a weekday due to my work, im a single parent). GPs adhere to the usual boundaries / rules you would expect for any DC - basically the same as if they were parents! I wonder why they thinkno bedtime and wotsits for breakfast is ok! I think you should discuss with them , if that doesnt work then move to less frequently

Luckily my mum was stricter than me, i would be clamping down on this myself, so a bit more relaxed than at home but tv off at 10pm and must eat proper food before crisps. It’s for just this reason my dd has already asked me if I’d help her with future childcare because her dps parents are too soft (baby isn’t even conceived, but being a forces family you need this worked out)

I laughed at 8am being an 'early riser' for a 4 & 8 year old!

Me and DH do love the time alone together on a Friday night / sat morning but honestly I don’t think it’s worth it for how rubbish the rest of our Saturday ends up being

I'd feel exactly the same

Could you extend the time to pick up Saturday tea time and do this every other Friday/saturday instead. That way you don't have the fall out Saturday afternoon - the gp get the fall out and have to deal with it.

then you can come home and put dc straight to bed after tea

I thought the same, then it clicked that this mn and can also mean grandparents 😀

Personally I think as a one off , no problem, but as it's happening every week a midnight bedtime resulting in a 4 year old being grumpy and overtired ever week is lazy/selfish grandparenting. The children's wants are being met but not their needs. I think as times goes on it will cause more battles in parenting for you. I would give the grandparents opportunity to enforce a bedtime even if it's a little later ie an hour and that they ensure that the kids only get to have snacks if they have proper meals as well.

My brother and his wife were like this. They have a very infantile attitude to life ( I won't go into the problems that is has caused but they are significant).

They were the child 'care' for my nephew and his wife's two nippers and they had to stop due to the detrimental effect on the kids. The kids were going backwards in their general behaviours and becoming as reckless and infantile basically.

Would it not be a relatively simple discussion to ask GPs for a reasonable fixed bedtime and a proper evening meal? Apart from that I do not see why the kids cannot have a fun time on Fridays with GPs?

I started actively avoiding PIL as late, late nights and plying DC with sweets and fizzy drinks was the default. Any calm request not to was met with an increase in the sweets and me being admonished for causing stress. I don’t mind an occasional late night for something special, but this was just to join them watching cr*p TV, etc. The knock on effects last into the following school week.

I respectfully disagree. I always took my kids food shopping with me from the moment they were born, and we always had fun. By the time they were the ages of OPs kids, I would give the older one a list and their own trolley and send them round the aisles to get the things on the list. We'd talk about where the food came from and how the pricing worked, we'd guess how much something weighed and then weigh it.... It was a blast and very educational.

Now they're grown men, and we all still love going food shopping together.

this 100%.

either you accept that they don’t parent or you stop the sleepovers / limit the sleepovers.

OP effectively if your children were left alone they would go to bed when they wanted and eat what they wanted. GP’s are not actually providing any care. They can spoil them by all means but the kids need sleep and to be properly fed!

Have you ever considered your daughter mine want the option of feeding pizza on a random Wednesday between school, clubs, work. But she feels she can’t because you choose to do it on a Friday?
cooling healthy meals day in day out whilst working FT is hard!
my MIL thinks it’s hilarious to feed UPFs on the night she has my kids, despite having all day free to cook something proper (_ luxury I never have). I’m grateful for the childcare but the lack of awareness drives me mad

This, and I would have them come back with you one Saturday afternoon to see what you're dealing with!

That's quite an assumption you've jumped to there

@Chiavennasca im all for grandparents. I loved my time with them. However thinks running a whole weekend with your children. You and them are unable to have any proper quality time together.
Id speak to grandparents and say that Saturdays are a wipe out and could they pleas be in bed by “such and such time “ also no choice in having breakfast . Then collect the kids at 11/12 . Maybe with the new routine the kids won’t need to have a nap as they will be asleep earlier and have ate.

I say the same to my parents if dc hasn’t ate right or slept right, then my dc is majorly out of sorts .

Maybe you (DH) could broach the bedtime with them, but ignore the food bit for now and see how that goes.

YANBU. To me it sounds like the GPs are struggling a bit and don’t know how to look after them or don’t have the energy, so they go for an easy life for themselves.

Not putting young children to bed and not feeding them meals isn’t being the ‘fun GPs’, it’s neglectful, lazy and unnecessary. It’s perfectly possible for them to ‘spoil’ them without having no rules. For example, they can stay up an hour later than their usual bedtime; they can have Cheerios or chocolate hoops rather than Weetabix; they can have Nutella on their toast, etc. Just small changes to their basic routine.

I’d cut the overnight stays to monthly or less. It might well be that the GPs appreciate that too if they’re struggling even if they don’t say so.

Great to have childcare that often but that would also piss me off! You may find the kids don’t want to go if it isn’t as crazy though!