How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

[ayloan]

My partner had a long-term relationship with a woman. During that time, they shared a dog and he said she did not build a relationship with his family. Fast forward, they broke up, 5 years later he met me and we now have a child and live together. I put in effort to getting to integrate into his family and spend time with them. But MIL has increasingly put effort into rekindling her connection with my partr's ex including taking her to lunch, looking after the dog, and keeping in touch with her family. Ex uses my partner and his parents for what. Seems like dog daycare.
MIL does not seem keen on our child or my family but seems to be pouring effort into partner's ex and their dog and keeps in touch with her family.
Am I being unreasonable to be uncomfortable and ask partner to have boundaries with ex?
My partner seems to think they're just doing the right thing by their dog and I'm unreasonable for asking him to cut contact with ex.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
Really looking for some perspective here as I'm questioning my experience and expectations.
Thank you.

I wouldn’t expect your partner to have anything to do with his ex. His mother, it’s up to her but I wouldnt go out of my way to build a relationship with her if she’s not interested in your child

So many red flags with this family. I'd run, take the child with me and never look back.

They share a dog so he should have contact with h her to help look after the dog

It seems like this dog is more of a priority than his current partner and child.

He should have ditched the dog along with the ex. Buy a new one, it's only a dog fs.

His priority should be his partner and child, not an animal and his ex.

This feels really pointed by MIL. Deliberately giving the dog more care and thought than her GC? How are things between you more generally? I'd be saying to DH, I get you share a dog, but I am unhappy that your ex has become such a big part of our life and it needs to change. I am also unhappy that your mum is prioritising her relationship with your dog over our child, and you need to resolve that.

How long were they together and how old is the dog?

This is all about the dog, it's the ex's only reason to have contact with your MIL. Your partner needs to decide with his ex who has the dog full time, him or her, and then break all ties. It isn't a child, he'll have to accept it if the ex wants to keep the dog. You're his new family now, you, him and your child, you can decide if you want your own dog.

Don’t be ridiculous. Dogs are not replaceable anymore than children are

You dont have to stay in the relationship but no you dont have the right to control other people like that, same as they cant control you

I've had a dog, I understand, she was 13 when she died and we were all devastated. But the ex is using the dog to cause a rift between the MIL and the new partner, it's not on, it could get to the stage where it causes a rift between the OP and her partner. When the couple split, and she got to keep the dog, sad as it is he should have severed all ties.

I was in a similar situation (minus the mil) when I met my partner, he shared a dog with his ex and she would stay at the house when he was away to look after the dog, and come around to collect him every week! It was too much, and I made it clear I was not comfortable with the situation. Eventually she stopped seeing the dog (mainly due to lockdown) I don’t think I could have continued that arrangement all this time though! It made me very uncomfortable.

I'm not surprised. It's not a healthy arrangement to have an ex in your relationship.

Why? He should just let her have the dog and I say that as a dog lover. It’s not fair on the dog for a start it’s not like you can tell them sorry we have split and you get to see daddy for a while!

If it was a child you could explain to the child what’s happened, you would expect contact, the op would expect that as well. But it’s a dog, he has moved on , let her keep the dog

Animal. Cruelty bravo. You do not ditch a pet. You should not own pets.

If your partner and his ex agreed when they split that he would help look after the dog when she is at work etc then he is simply abiding by that agreement. However it sounds as though most of your concern lies with your MiL’s energy going into his ex than you and your child. There’s nothing you can do about that. You are never going to be able to control what she does or the fact she wants to maintain a relationship with his ex-partner.

You have to decide what you want here. Is this a life and relationship you want? Are you willing to feel sidelined by MiL and tolerate the fact she may always have a friendship with your partner’s ex and not invest in a relationship with you and your child.

Do you have a long term plan to marry your partner and would this help you feel more secure in your relationship?

You can’t control what other people do. You can only control what you do. If your partner and MiL see the dog as a shared responsibility with his ex then there is nothing you can do to change that but you can choose whether he is the right partner for you.

Sounds pretty outrageous tbh. I feel bad for you as that's deliberate and awful.

He's not dumping it in the scrub to fend for itself. It has a home. Home is with his ex.
I am an animal lover too but honestly this "shared parenting of a dog is silly". One or the other keeps it, and the other can visit if amicable. But using the ex's mother for dog daycare is weird. + MIL needs to decide which side she is on. Son or his ex?

Thanks for the advice ẞ@Vaxtablei'm distancing myself from MIL as I do not think she's deserving of my time or attention any longer but she's manipulative by texting me one liners pretending to care and then complaining to my partner that I don't respond. It's push and pull. She starts texting me when she notices I pull back and when I re-engage, she pulls away. For example, I send her videos of my baby and her son but she'll not acknowledge them. And then I pull back, then she begins texting me after a while asking whether we're enjoying the weather.

To make clear, they were together for 10 years and have broken up for five years. They agreed she'd have the dog when they split. When she goes on holiday, she'll ask him to take dog so she doesn't have to pay for dog care. His mum began requesting to take the dog more and more to their house and look after her. My partner himself is too occupied and can't look after the dog so it looks like he's happy for his parents to do the hard work.

Things between me and MIL were great because I was overlooking her neediness and I was being nice. Once I had baby, I could no longer put her needs above mine or my child's and this is when tension built up from her side.
She was upset when we told her we were pregnant and when baby arrived, she was trying to distract partner from parental responsibility by always coming to house for tea or to take son out for a walk but was refusing to hold baby

The dog and MIL always lived in different cities so she had to really go out of her way to go and get the dog and now more recently the dog has now moved to a different country with ex partner but MIL is still checking on ex to get updates on the dog and then forwarding messages from ex to my partner. It all just feels too unnecessary to me.

Thank you. I understand I can't control them. I'm disappointed in my partner though. I always thought I'd marry him but I no longer feel like I trust him to know his priorities and have boundaries and put his family first. So, I'm no longer thinking about marriage as strongly as I used to.

Well of course there is no reason, at all, for him to have anything at all to do with his ex. Shared custody of a dog is not a thing unless you are clinically insane.

As for mil, she can do what she wants, don't worry about it and don't involve yourself in it at all.

Could it be that she just really likes the dog, and likes it when he/she comes to stay? How old is the dog?

Agree.