How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

[ayloan]

My partner had a long-term relationship with a woman. During that time, they shared a dog and he said she did not build a relationship with his family. Fast forward, they broke up, 5 years later he met me and we now have a child and live together. I put in effort to getting to integrate into his family and spend time with them. But MIL has increasingly put effort into rekindling her connection with my partr's ex including taking her to lunch, looking after the dog, and keeping in touch with her family. Ex uses my partner and his parents for what. Seems like dog daycare.
MIL does not seem keen on our child or my family but seems to be pouring effort into partner's ex and their dog and keeps in touch with her family.
Am I being unreasonable to be uncomfortable and ask partner to have boundaries with ex?
My partner seems to think they're just doing the right thing by their dog and I'm unreasonable for asking him to cut contact with ex.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
Really looking for some perspective here as I'm questioning my experience and expectations.
Thank you.

Forward any messages she sends to your partner he can deal with them she will either stop or play nice

Sounds like the ex has tried to throw a spanner in the works too what happened when you didn't look after the dog for months when you had the baby? Did it go to mil or did you keep it?

My ex mil ignored her grandchildren for a dog too her older son and wife had dogs they had treats and toys at mils house the grandchildren had nothing there was a lady with an alcohol problem who lived next door she was so disgusted by the behaviour she took around a load of toys and a lecture it worked briefly because mil felt humiliated

If your partner is not chasing your ex or bothering with her (as he should not be of course) then there's nothing to complain, worry or care about.

If MIL is being a manipulative, spiteful shit stirrer completely ignore her. You can't make her like you or your child or want to spend time with you.

As she apparently preferenced a dog over her grandchild, don't make any effort at all to faciliate any relationship, your partner can do that if he likes.

This is a total non event.

“Now the dog and ex have moved to Canada.” & as your partner was only in a ‘relationship’, with the ‘ex’; I think you should just ignore everything, let it all calm down, on this subject for a while.
Mil will probably become more agreeable when she’s given herself chance to properly get to know your new baby.

What a drama over nothing. He had a dog with an ex and they had an arrangement over the dog. Yes, you do get very much attached to dogs and would want to continue to have them in their life. The dog must have part of his life when you came into it too, so you knew about it and most likely accepted it...until you had a baby and suddenly, you DEMAND that he ditches the dog.

Hos mother kindly steps in in what was his duty...and you then DEMAND that she also has nothing to do with the dog! And you wonder why she doesn't like you much and gets along better with the ex?

Ultimately, the dog is gone, so that resolves the matter. Your relationship with your partners mum? Your controlling behaviour seems to not have left a great impression on her so you might have some work cut out to rebuild the relationship, if you so wish.

Your MiL sounds like a petty, jealous woman out to stir the pot. I suggest you go low contact with her (I'd suggest no contact but low may actually be easier).

Don't initiate conversations /texts with her and just stick an emoji on stuff she sends you. Polite but distant if you ever meet but dont initiate meetings yourself. Forget about the ex and the dog.

The dog and ex are in Canada! It will also die eventually.

FFS get on with your life with DP and baby.

Distance yourself from MIL if that makes you feel better. You cannot control what she does.

This has the makings of a big old mess.

1. when you look at your MIL v. childish behaviour, how likely is it that she will rear a man who can handle this situation properly. (It’s zero chance!)
2. Her ‘friendship’ with his ex is absolutely pathetic, so don’t give it any more headspace.
3. Ask your partner how he feels about his Mum having cost little chats about him. Does he think she is loyal to him and his child, never mind to his relationship during those conversations.
4. His Mother isn’t actually being a friend to the ex, is she? A friend would encourage her to go no contact, to move on and not waste her time. His Mum is a user.
5. Assume good intentions and that your partner doesn’t want his Mum’s interfering to ruin his relationship and he doesn’t want to lose his Mum, what does he suggest would be a good way through that difficulty? Ultimately he is the one who has to create boundaries.
6. be prepared to walk away and to leave them to it.

MIL sounds batshit.

You need to disengage and care less.

@ayloan your MIL is trouble ! Now the ex and dog have moved to Canada there would be no chance I’d let this women try push back into my life .
She has treated you terribly .
Yes your dp and his ex had a joint responsibility to the dog which was working fine. Yes I also believe as an emergency MIL could have stepped In.
When you look at the lengths she has gone too. I wouldn’t be accepting of any of it .
There would be no more chances for me .
Id not bother with her op . Get on with your life with your dp.
Although I think a serious discussion on how future problems are going to be dealt with and your feelings need to happen .
Your dp should have had your back.

Is this really what you read ?

The MIl has no interest or involvement with the dog before the baby.
The ex and the dp had an arrangement going, then the MIL decided to wade in and make her own for what? Attention or trying to sabbotage op’s relationship!

One day the dog will have died and the ex will be married to someone who thinks its odd that she is so close to the mother of her ex.

Your MIL will then be out of that picture. But sadly she had pushed you and her own grandchild away. Shes a fool.

You don’t have a dog or a partner’s ex problem as they are now a continent away. You do have a MIL problem.

Early on MIL told you ex did not spend much time with her over a decade long relationship. Why might that be? Probably the ex was on the receiving end of all the manipulative behaviour you are now getting and cut the contact to avoid dealing with it. It seems your MIL is not coping well with her son growing up and having relationships with other women. She wants to be the centre of her family unit forever and doesn’t like changes like partners and grandchildren arriving as it cuts down on the attention she gets. Is your partner an only child? If so that will make her sense of loss worse.

While ageing and sons creating their own lives are inevitable, reacting to it by meddling, trying to exert influence on your son and being inconsistent with you is not nice. I would just back off. Let your partner make the arrangements for visits, send the videos etc and you do the same for your own family. Be pleasant and warm when you see her but once you leave try to make her ‘out of sight, out of mind’. Be busy with your child and take a few hours to reply to any messages she sends you although be polite and warm when you do. If she complains to your son about your lack of contact say you are busy with the baby and you did reply just not immediately. Don’t complain back, let him work out for himself who is the complainer and the agitator and then, when he does, work out together a plan for keeping in contact with her which is predominantly him keeping in contact with her.

So your partner and his ex agreed for the dog to live with her. Your partner was only having the dog when his ex went on holiday? He wasn't seeing the dog or looking after the dog in between? This stopped when your MIL asked to look after the dog instead of your partner? Now the dog and your partner's ex have moved to another country. Your partner and MIL are no longer actually seeing the dog or his ex? Your MIL keeps in touch with the ex and asks for updates on the dog, which she passes to your partner.

You can't stop your MIL from keeping in touch with the ex, that's her choice. If your partner's ex has moved with the dog to another country, then he's no longer having contact with her or the dog. Largely the issue has resolved itself with the ex moving.

With regards to your MIL being disinterested in you and her grandchild, unfortunately you can't make her interested. Does your partner think his Mum isn't very interested in your shared child? If so, then it's down to him to talk to his Mum.

My parents are very involved in my son's life, and have been since birth. He's their only grandchild, as I'm an only child. In contrast my FIL isn't particularly interested in any of his 5 grandchildren, only on a superficial level.

OP said that once the baby was born she didn't want DH to dogsit the dog at their house, so DH asked his mother to have the dog instead. Hardly the MIL 'wading in' unasked or for no reason!

The MIl has no interest or involvement with the dog before the baby.The ex and the dp had an arrangement going, then the MIL decided to wade in and make her own for what? Attention or trying to sabbotage op’s relationship!
She didn't because OP's partner was involved but when baby arrived, OP demanded that he stopped getting involved with the dog. His mum probably felt bad for the ex and the dog. That's why she became closer to the ex. She probably is annoyed with her son letting OP dictate his responsibilities.

A dog IS a responsibility. One that you don't just dump because something comes along.

Sorry Op but you sound toxic in the way you are approaching this. Other people's relationships are not down to you and you are overconcerned about them, leave them to deal with their stuff and you deal with yours.

Erm no… the OP made her DP give up the dog when the baby came along. MIL appears to have stepped in and taken over his responsibility because of this and now OP is kicking off again… even though the bloody dog and ex are now gone to Canada. It’s completely OTT

The more of OP responses I read the more I'm siding with mil. OP wants to control the relationships and actions of others and is angry when they don't react how she wants.

#teamMIL

MIL started taking dog before DP asked her to. She started taking dog for weeks at at time from the moment we told her we were pregnant. Before I told her I was pregnant, dog was never in the picture. We spent 2-3 weekends with them every month! Partner didn't make time for the dog. I never met the dog. All of a sudden, dog became a staple in our lives which they were always trying to force for DP to focus on.
Then closer to my due date, MIL planned for us to take dog for 3 months immediately after our baby was born and I said no as we are first time parents and can't look after dog. So, she took dog without me being aware. Just began seeing dog at the house. She didn't need to. She could have just told DP's ex to make her own arrangements for dog as it is not a good time. They've just had their first grandson and we are first time parents.

If the ex is in Canada you have nothing to worry about. Ignore the Mil. If she "accidentally " sends you messages forward them to your dh. If she gets no reaction she'll eventually stop. I wouldn't be making any effort to send her pictures or information about your child her son can do it.
I wouldn't ruin my relationship for an interfering Mil.

I understand @ayloan . Sometimes things happen which cause us to see our partners (and their family) in a different light. It’s really hurtful when we feel disregarded or that we are way down their priority list. All you can do is talk with your partner about the way you are feeling and see if he can make any adjustments that would help you feel more secure and important. Remember, he is with you not his ex but I guess from your post you are worried that his ex is becoming more part of the family than you are which I understand.

Have a think about what you need to feel included and talk with him about that. It may result in some changes which make things more bearable for you. If not, then you know that this relationship isn’t for you.

Whatever you do, maintain your financial independence if you have it. If you work, keep working. If you have savings, keep them safe.

I wish you well.

You’ve never met the dog in the 5 years you’ve been together? So your DP never had any custody or responsibility for the dog? Your thread is so confusing.

People who put dogs on the same level as children are ridiculous imo

OP, I have to wonder whether MIL hugely increased the time she had the dog specifically as a means of getting at you, or whether the ex simply needed more dog care for whatever reason- work commitments, holidays or whatever.
You seem to be making this dog such an ongoing central drama in your life, when it doesn't need to be, especially now the dog resides in Canada.

💯

A dog is not a child. A dog has a single owner. You don’t share custody of a dog.

edited to say I shared pets with my ex. We took one each - the one we personally owned. Don’t think the one I took even noticed they’d gone (I would go so far as to say she was happier without them!)