How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

[ayloan]

My partner had a long-term relationship with a woman. During that time, they shared a dog and he said she did not build a relationship with his family. Fast forward, they broke up, 5 years later he met me and we now have a child and live together. I put in effort to getting to integrate into his family and spend time with them. But MIL has increasingly put effort into rekindling her connection with my partr's ex including taking her to lunch, looking after the dog, and keeping in touch with her family. Ex uses my partner and his parents for what. Seems like dog daycare.
MIL does not seem keen on our child or my family but seems to be pouring effort into partner's ex and their dog and keeps in touch with her family.
Am I being unreasonable to be uncomfortable and ask partner to have boundaries with ex?
My partner seems to think they're just doing the right thing by their dog and I'm unreasonable for asking him to cut contact with ex.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
Really looking for some perspective here as I'm questioning my experience and expectations.
Thank you.

i can only say it from my perspective and I’m very aware I’m not in your life.

Dp’s ex wife and ex mother in law are friends of ours. This is a good thing.

In my view ‘setting boundaries’ very quickly tips over into trying to control other people. It simply isn’t your business who your MIL spends time with or what she does. Your dp is free to have friendships with people you don’t like. I would start from there.

It could be. Only that she never walks the dog or look after her. She complains to her son that it's a lot of work and makes her husband do the care.
Also, partner had to ask if we can come over to their house and she goes away to think about it. So, her door isn't automatically open to me and my child. But it is to the dog. The dog is about 9yrs old or so.

The most obvious answer is nearly always the correct one - she doesn't like you or your child much and doesn't value having you around.

Up to you if you want to suck that up.

Not your business. She can see who she likes. You sound like drama.

Thanks. A part of me wants to leave DP and his mother to it and if that's the death of our relationship as I'm emotionally shutting down, then it means it was never meant to be.

That's not really how it works seeing as the child is 50% her partners too. She's linked to him (and his family) for life.

It's clear you do not feel valued by any of them. Mil prefers his ex and her dog, and, obviously, he has no reason at all to be hanging out with his ex but he's doing it against your wishes (reading between the lines). Again, shared dog custody is not a thing unless you are clinically insane.

One of the greatest tricks some people will play is to make you feel insecure then blame you for feeling insecure. Mumsnet loves to ignore the reality that feeling insecure is usually a reaction to being treated badly and many here are keen to gaslight and victim blame.

None of this will change if you change nothing.

You could try relationship counselling, though most of the time people know exactly what they are doing to upset you and just want to keep doing it. It might be worth it though for clarity.

Otherwise, you will just have to keep sucking it up as it seems he's not listening.

Just realised the child is his too. Mil is a bit of a cunt to be preferencing a dog over her own grandchild, but there's nothing to be done about that.

You have a partner problem.

Have you actually read OP's posts?
Of course it's her business.

Ah another bat shit crazy mil

Depending on breed to dog might be nearing the end of its life. If contact continues after it’s gone i would be very uncomfortable. Not that I would be happy currently.

You can’t force someone to do/not do anything.

If MIL isn’t interested in her grandchild what exactly are you going to do to change that?

I’m not convinced the two issues are related tbh.

Of course its not animal cruelty, his ex is looking after it. Presumably if she couldn't he would take it or arrange someone else to take it. My ddog doesn't see my dc for weeks on end as they no longer live at home. Doesn't pine for them, just gets excited when he does. Absolutely no need for 50/50.

Prioritising ex’s dog over her grandchild! Don’t even engage with her, she sounds awful

MIL can do what she likes, you can do what you like, and your partner can also do what he likes. It sounds like MIL gelled with the ex as a person. Maybe she also really likes dogs but can't have one of her own for some reason. Are there reasons she might not be showing interest in you and your child? Have you made her feel welcome? Or do you make her feel you merely tolerate her?

Another crazy MIL as presented through the eyes of her son's partner, who is peeved that MIL won't live her life the way OP would prefer.

I wouldn’t have had a child with a man who has ‘custody’ arrangements over a dog. I’d go no contact with the MIL and if your DP doesn’t stop seeing his ex then I’d ditch him too.

It’s crazy for a grandma to show more interest in her son’s ex and her dog than her son’s current partner and the child they share. If you think OP’s in laws’ choices are normal then telling you it’s not normal.

Doesn't the fact that the ex and their dog have moved to a different country recently solve a lot of the issues? I assume no more doggy daycare from MIL or partner?

Now you can focus on the real issues which are (a) your MIL shows little interest in her grandchild and (b) your MIL seems to like the drama of being a bit of shit stirrer by constantly bringing up the Ex/playing games with you. The answer for both is to sit down with your partner and say - this isn't working for us, I'll be polite but nothing more with your MIL and you can organise any get togethers if you think its important for your child to spend time with MIL.

she prioritising a dog and her sons ex over her own grandchild. Of course she can do what she likes but it certainly not what most reasonable people would choose.

This realisation is correct OP. You can only do so much to try to integrate and to build family bonds.

But before you start to emotionally shut down with your partner, check that MIL isn’t already having to move on from her relationship with the dog and the ex now that they have moved to a different country.
How can it be such a problem if she can no longer dog sit.
Maybe the ex was as fed up of the games MIL appears to play as you are, so she moved away.

Your partner now has no reason to be in such close contact with his ex if she and the dog live in another country. So allow time to see if things settle down a bit with her out of the picture and without MIL’s manipulation.

In the meantime, I wouldn’t be chasing MIL because she has already shown what a tricky character she is, but if and when she makes contact, I would be polite and amenable, whilst accepting that she will always likely to be blowing hot and cold.
And try not to let it affect the relationship between you, your partner and dc while you wait to see what MIL does next.

Honestly, I'd pull right back from your MIL. She sounds at best indifferent and at worst almost hostile to her grandchild and she has purposely re-kindled the relationship with your partner's ex-girlfriend to make you feel bad.

She isn't a positive influence in your baby's life so you can stop making any effort to maintain a relationship with her. She sounds like a manipulative, needy nightmare.

If your partner doesn't support you, I'd be re-thinking the relationship with him as well.

I am a MIL in a very similar situation. DS was married for 10 years to someone I grew very fond of and built a good relationship with.
Her own parents were deceased so we became close.
The marriage broke down due to various reasons stemming from a shared tragedy.
The couple had a dog that we all dated on and during lockdown their jobs were such that they were working all the time, we were not so we looked after the dog. After the split dog went with ex DIL, and she moved away to an area we often go to to visit friends, so we would call in and see her for a coffee and to cuddle the dog.
DS is now remarried and has a beautiful baby with his lovely wife.
OP do you think I should no longer meet with his EX for the occasional cup of coffee, send her a birthday card, ring her up for a chat?She is someone who I like, I have no argument with her?
I don't flaunt my relationship with her in my new DIL'S face, who I am also fond of, but I see no reason why I should not retain this relationship, we are all adults after all.
It shouldn't be because your partner has "fallen out" with his ex that his mother should too.
Just my point of view but try and see the bigger picture here. Also once the dog dies and over time the relationship will probably become less close because without the dog there will be less interaction all round.

Reading yet another post about an “evil MIL” who supposedly has no interest in her grandchild makes me question how much of the real story is being left out.

In these threads, the OP almost always paints themselves as the endlessly patient, reasonable one who “tried so hard,” while the grandmother is reduced to a cartoon villain. Everyone accepts that a woman who (the OP has said) remains in contact with her son and the the OP, would genuinely prefer a dog in another country over her own grandchild.

Op, if the reality is that you truly made every effort and she rejected the baby from the start or attempted to undermine the child’s relationship with their father, then yes — that behaviour is bizarre and indefensible.

But if in reality you restricted access, discouraged bonding, or made her presence uncomfortable, it’s disingenuous to act shocked when she disengages. In that case, the issue isn’t a grandmother choosing a dog over her grandchild — it’s a rewritten narrative designed to avoid accountability.

It's not really about the dog I think. Your MIL has tried to upset the apple cart because she was upset your baby came along, and she has succeeded. She couldn't care less about the dog it sounds like and has taken up a sudden interest to try and make you feel shit.

Presumably he was taking responsibility for his dog the early years you were together prior to baby and mil acting out?

Is it possible you just need your dh to acknowledge her behaviour and be on your side?

I don't see the issue. Your partner is only looking after a dog, who your mil talks to is nothing to do with you, you don't have to see the ex. If your mil doesn't want to see your daughter why would you push it? It won't be nice for anyone. Just let her know that she's welcome to yours, daughter loves her and leave things to happen at their own pace. Build on positive relationships elsewhere.