How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

[ayloan]

My partner had a long-term relationship with a woman. During that time, they shared a dog and he said she did not build a relationship with his family. Fast forward, they broke up, 5 years later he met me and we now have a child and live together. I put in effort to getting to integrate into his family and spend time with them. But MIL has increasingly put effort into rekindling her connection with my partr's ex including taking her to lunch, looking after the dog, and keeping in touch with her family. Ex uses my partner and his parents for what. Seems like dog daycare.
MIL does not seem keen on our child or my family but seems to be pouring effort into partner's ex and their dog and keeps in touch with her family.
Am I being unreasonable to be uncomfortable and ask partner to have boundaries with ex?
My partner seems to think they're just doing the right thing by their dog and I'm unreasonable for asking him to cut contact with ex.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
Really looking for some perspective here as I'm questioning my experience and expectations.
Thank you.

Yes they are. Dog dies - buy a new one tomorrow.
No matter what anyone says a dog and a child are not comparable.

Your mother in law has integrity. She does not abandon people or animals on the basis of her son moving on. I respect her for that. Animals are part of the family and love the people who have been theirs for most of their lives. They do not forget.

If the Mil wants to spend time trying to keep in with the ex I would let her crack on. Tbh the ex partner doesn't seem that bothered as she has moved to Canada! I am sure it will fizzle out. However, I wouldn't be waiting around for your Mil to start taking an interest in you and the baby. Pull right back. Silence is sometimes stronger than words. Let her start worrying that you aren't responding and don't give in to her. Just leave her on read or reply a week later. She can't have it both ways.

@Patagonia21

FFS, it’s a DOG! So long as it gets fed and walked it’s fine, it doesn’t give a shit about its MIL!

And the dog is now apparently in Canada. And the mil had nothing to do with it for years anyway.

But the whole story has more holes than a collander, pretty sure OP is either making it up or away with the fairies.

I get that dogs can make wonderful companions but they aren't the same thing as children. That said I'll be adding ex with a dog to my red flag list if I ever start dating again.

MILs behaviour only changed once OP was pregnant. So that commitment was made before her DP's family started with the mindfucking; since when she has naturally felt less committed to the man who thinks his mother's behaviour is fine and dandy.

Agree with this.

I’d start about how nice it was to catch up with your ex and his mum “oh I love my ex-mil, she’s so lovely”

see if she gets the point 😂

I'm petty though

My MiL tried 'love bombing' me last year when she realised she hadn't seen me for three years. She unexpectedly sent me a gift when I was in hospital. I responded with a thank you via snail mail - no way is she having my personal contact number.

I find it quite amusing that the last time she saw was me a couple of months after I'd nearly died in an accident, then again from surgery complications. Not only did she not bother to ask how I was (which I didn't expect) but she cut me dead and refused to speak to me in my own home (which I did). A brief 'hello' would have sufficed and is the most basic courtesy anyone is entitled to expect.

By this point, I was through. It was the last time I saw her and the last time I intend to. Long story, of course.

As to your MiL, I'd say from personal experience that the best way to deal with this is to withdraw. The 'push pull' idea you describe is a common part of the cycle of emotional abuse: you can Google several variations on this theme. Without the occasional kind parts no one would tolerate their behaviour, so they give just enough to keep you embroiled within the cycle. I have no time for people who behave like this. I'd drop the rope and let your DH contact her in future. She is his mother, after all.

And sorry, but this 'joint custory of a dog' thing is over-emotional, anthropomorphic BS. Dogs are not children, do not require the same care as children, and are not at the same level of priority as children. I've always been fond of dogs, which I treat as dogs, not as 'fur babies'. Some owners these days have completely lost the plot and fail to recognise that treating dogs as human beings is not necessarily in their best interests.

Protect yourself at a distance, OP. 💐

That’s very sad. Unfortunately your MIL has weaponised your PND and inadvertently you handed her the bullets to shoot you with. I have been in your exact situation. I tap danced to my MIL tune for decades for approval. I am so so angry and sad with my young self for doing this. I wish I could see that she didn’t like me, never would and it wasn’t personal. I wish I had cared enough about myself to look at the wounds from my own childhood that I need to take responsibility for healing - because if it wasn’t her who ‘hurt me’ - it would just be someone else.

Look after your own emotional health - invest all your finite time, energy and headspace into getting busy with warm wonderful people and activities in your life and actively emotionally detach from such characters as your MIL in your head. It doesn’t have to be dramatic, conflict or confrontation - just decide you don’t share the same values are not compatible and fade her out of your life.

Your DC needs an emotionally healthy, positive, confident and fulfilled mother so that they have the best emotional development. Do whatever it takes to move towards this and maintain it.

Agree. Well done for spotting her push / pull game. Drop the rope - don’t play it.

Imagine her as a hyena or scorpion - so that you don’t get groomed and fooled again - because it’s a ‘when’ not ‘if’ she will maul you / sting you again.

You can do NC and block her or you can do LC grey rock.

LC Grey rock is denying someone the energy from you that they provoke and feast off. You become really dull - put her on an information diet - no proactive communication from you. Don’t acknowledge any of her texts unless there is a specific question and then after 24hrs select an already written response from a prepared bank - eg ‘No.’ ‘No I’m busy.’ ‘No I don’t want to.’ ‘No that doesn’t work for me.’ ‘I have nothing to say to that’ ‘I won’t be commenting on that’ etc.

Often LC is the fade to NC.

How are things with your DH? It’s hard for them to see it at the same time as you and they have been groomed / the boiled frog their whole lives. It’s good you live far away. Don’t let her dismantle your marriage by default (if it’s worth saving) your DC is better off with two parents
(if you can work together). He doesn’t have to be on the same page as you about his DM (she likely treats him like a prince) - he should respect your choices and you should respect his - don’t let her come between you.

How does the dogs age add up?

The dog is 9.

OP met her DP 5 years after he broke up with ex and she has been with him 5 years - so the DP has been apart from ex for 10 years now but have a 9 year old dog?

The issue with the dog was going on before that. It was not just once the OP got pregnant.

They agreed she'd have the dog when they split. When she goes on holiday, she'll ask him to take dog so she doesn't have to pay for dog care. His mum began requesting to take the dog more and more to their house and look after her.

If she is doing this just block her. You are unwell and you do not need to be exposed to her underhand passive aggressive emotional violence. You have severely reduced emotional capacity right now and need to conserve it for your recovery and your DC. So it’s on you to put yourself in a healthy emotional environment and cut out the toxic that will make you more mentally unwell when you are so vulnerable.

It’s no different from an asthmatic actively choosing to protect / conserve their health by avoiding going to a smoky / polluted environment.

Giving the dog to his ex is not animal cruelty.

Giving the dog more priority than your current partner and CHILD is cruelty

MIL sounds like someone to avoid and sounds needy. I would leave her to it and just put the minimum effort in.

You need to put your foot down, why is he in contact with his ex? Why is the dog anything to do with him now they aren’t together? I would be highly suspicious and want him to cut ties.

Maybe she likes the dog and is Lonley but she can’t buy a new dog as she’s old. Your obsession with your mil is strange you’re not her partner right. Dogs are for life they are like people’s children. Your partner sounds like a decent bloke just be happy you caught a guy with good morals. Would you want him to just give up on your child ? If you split.

😂 EX mil!

Are you married OP? How old is your child?

i am a massive dog lover. I have Read out all the comments to my dog:) who is sharing the couch with me. We both agree it’s Very strange mother in law Is attached/invested in the dog and not her grandchild…

Hi op it’s nothing to do with pnd. Dp mum is being an absolute bitch does your dp not see she would rather spend time with his ex dog than his new dc. He should be the one hurt by his dm lack of interest if I was you I would retreat from his family and let them get on with it. She’s not sending messages by mistake there all deliberately sent. Just say to your dp you no longer want to hear anything about his ex and dog and if mum thinks it’s important for him to know then they are both just very disrespectful to you and your dc.

I agree it’s as simple as this

Get another dog for yourselves

Ditch the dog and buy a new one,it’s only a dog! You don’t treat animals like a new handbag they are for life.i understand now why there are so many dumped in shelters,if people have that kind of mindset,then I pray they never ever have animals.