How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

[ayloan]

My partner had a long-term relationship with a woman. During that time, they shared a dog and he said she did not build a relationship with his family. Fast forward, they broke up, 5 years later he met me and we now have a child and live together. I put in effort to getting to integrate into his family and spend time with them. But MIL has increasingly put effort into rekindling her connection with my partr's ex including taking her to lunch, looking after the dog, and keeping in touch with her family. Ex uses my partner and his parents for what. Seems like dog daycare.
MIL does not seem keen on our child or my family but seems to be pouring effort into partner's ex and their dog and keeps in touch with her family.
Am I being unreasonable to be uncomfortable and ask partner to have boundaries with ex?
My partner seems to think they're just doing the right thing by their dog and I'm unreasonable for asking him to cut contact with ex.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
Really looking for some perspective here as I'm questioning my experience and expectations.
Thank you.

Finding this all quite confusing. But are you saying she was fine with you until you got pregnant? If that’s the case maybe the ex and dog are a complete red herring.
Could it be she doesn’t like her new supporting role of being grandma instead of the main mother role? I know some mums can find this an adjustment.

Please draw a line under the dog thing, there’s an ocean between you now, I think you need to move past it.

Then closer to my due date, MIL planned for us to take dog for 3 months immediately after our baby was born and I said no as we are first time parents and can't look after dog. So, she took dog without me being aware. Just began seeing dog at the house. She didn't need to. She could have just told DP's ex to make her own arrangements for dog as it is not a good time. They've just had their first grandson and we are first time parents.

So you, quite reasonably, refused to have the dog, so MIL had it instead. What's your problem with that? Why shouldn't she? She stepped in perfectly reasonably. Your new baby was no reason for not doing.

The more you post, the more I think that you're causing your own drama.
And FFS, ex and dog are in Canada, so why are you dwelling on this now? Your partner isn't in touch with her.

Had my late DH and I split up, I'm in no doubt that I'd have remained in touch with his MIL. I hope we'd have done so considerately, but your expectation that your MIL should cut contact is unreasonable.

What you've got is an unenthusiastic grandma. I see that as your only problem/ disappointment.

My MIL had a relationship with ex-DIL for around 40 years, sent christmas and birthday money to her and children (not her grandkids) until she could no longer do so. Likewise ex-DIL sent her cards and flowers.

My MIL had a relationship with ex-DIL for around 40 years, sent christmas and birthday money to her and children (not her grandkids) until she could no longer do so. Likewise ex-DIL sent her cards and flowers.

Third edition deleted

What??!

Why are these threads always about the women involved (crazy ex, difficult MIL) and never about the man??

This is a non issue with the Canada element.

Focus on your DP & your child & forget your MIL. If she doesn't want to see her own grandchild that's her loss.

Why on earth are either of them doing it? Who looks after their exs dog?? There are no kids involved with the previous relationship, he now has children with his current partner that should be his priority. The MIL can do one OP.

you have asked your partner to put boundaries. He has said you are being unreasonable. So you may have to decide whether to stay in this relationship or walk away.

By the way, how did your relationship with your dp start?

Mother in law sounds awful. So sorry to hear she is making you feel this way OP.

Tell your partner how this is making you feel. Surely he notices his mother makes no effort with your child?

Try to rally your partner round to your way of thinking and you must stop going round to her. You don’t want to turn him against his mother but you and he need to be a united front against her. If he wants to take your child to see her, yes let him but you busy yourself at home. Your absence will speak volumes.

Likewise if she pops over to you, you suddenly need to nip out and run an errand. Do not ban her from your home or stop her seeing your partner or child, but refuse to be treated badly. Believe me, you’ll see a change in her when she notices you no longer place her on a pedestal.

Old crows can be tamed. It’s not easy, but it’s doable!

There’s no ‘popping over’ being done here… OP and MIL live on opposite sides of ends of the UK, which is why it’s even weirder that OP is making such a drama over this.

Just continue to step right back from your MIL. If she texts and you feel you have to answer just reply using an emoji, or yes or no. If she complains about you to your partner explain how busy you are with the baby. Ask him each and every time he moans about it, if he would like to take on more responsibility with the baby ( he won’t) so that you can spend time with his mum. Be specific about the list of tasks he can take from you full time every day, so you can be more responsive to his mum.

Before long he will be responding to his mum by himself and not involving you or moaning at you.

Ah, I see.
Gosh, MIL’s are tricky beasts.

I genuinely don’t see how the MIL is the issue here. OP sounds like a controlling, green eyed demon tbh.

I’m confused. Does your DP see the dog, or is it just MIL?

The dog now lives in Canada so no one will see it. Before it emigrated MIL used the care of it to meddle in OPs relationship by offering OP and her DP as dog sitters right when their baby was due.

I agree with this - it’s all being conflated and the @ayloanneeds to see the wood for the trees.

MIL can have any relationship she likes with the ex and her dog. OP needs to let that lie. Seemingly OP or her DH have not even met the dog in 5 years and the dog and ex live in another continent and time zone.

@ayloanis a people pleaser and bent over backwards to develop a relationship with her MIL before pregnancy shifted the dynamics. Maybe MIL was miffed she wouldn’t get full attention, maybe OP recognised her finite emotional energy needed to focused elsewhere. This is understandable but maybe the MIL sensed this withdrawal and was confused and upset. That doesn’t mean OP was wrong - just that both can be happening at once and the skill in life is emotional adjustment to shifting changes in life.

From a distance the comments from the MIL in the early days that OP has spent more time with them in 2 months than ex did in 10 years is revealing. OP look this as flattery and a delicious snub to the ex. However it might reveal that ex worked out the needy/dysfunctional MIL early doors and put in healthy boundaries or that MIL worked out OPs needy people pleasing flaw and was suggesting she was engulfing or wanted to exploit that. Could be all of it.

OP is now understandably hurt and confused that MIL is not interested in being a grandmother -possibly to OPs preconceived expectations and she reads this and her actions as passive aggressive and these are impacting her and her marriage.

The OP can choose to accept that her MIL has these priorities but she can also choose her own agency in taking responsibility for emotionally protecting herself so that she doesn’t get hurt, or it is processed quickly - and she can focus her finite headspace and energy on intentionally positive emotions for the benefit of her baby, herself and her marriage.

Seems to me OP has poor boundaries - even in her own head - to conflate a dog on another continent being responsible for her marriage disintegrating.

Start by accepting MIL doesn’t like you, never will and is hurting you. That takes time to come to terms with - but don’t get stuck ruminating there - you now have to actively take responsibility for taking yourself out of punching distance. You can do this by limiting contact, information, bland responses etc. Dropping the rope to her game without drama. Emotionally detach in your head - not to bitterness but indifference. You won’t notice her if your life is busy and fulfilling - make it so.

Then turn your back and focus hard on building an emotionally positive and stable family unit. Have you recently had your baby - could PND be in the picture as well ? It lasts for 2 years. Maybe you need some professional support at this time as well.

I can’t see how her DP sees the dog often if OP hasn’t even met this dog in all of the 5 years they’ve been together.

As I said and others have, it's not about the MIL, the now Canadian ex or the dog.

It's about the DP and how he makes the OP feel but instead of focusing on this she's firing shots at the MIL!
Always got to be another woman's fault...

Stop investing any time in your MIL.
It all sounds rather toxic.
Don't waste your time and life with someone who isn't loyal to you.

I think the dog to some extent is a red herring, it’s moved to Canada now and is an older dog so it’s not going to be a fixture in your lives for much longer.
You have a DP problem, he sounds like he’s a bit unsupportive and MIL sounds like she likes to be the queen bee and controlling the narrative.
I wouldn’t rise to it, I would either keep sending the occasional pic/video of your DP and Baby and not expect anything back and if she messages to say ‘are you enjoying the weather’ you just send a ‘yes thanks’ bland message back.
You’re tying yourself up in knots and overthinking about it because your MIL feels able to keep up a relationship with the Ex, she’s either doing it because she genuinely cares about her and the dog or she’s doing it because she knows it’s driving you nuts and your DP is entrenched in the situation as well. At the end of the day, it is a dog (and I say that as a dog lover) he had a child and needs to step up.
Drop the rope and concentrate on something else, I’m polite with my in laws but I don’t make any effort to engage when it became very clear that there was a strong preference for the grandchildren from their daughter then ours.
I honestly could not continue to get annoyed about a dog and woman living on the other side of the world where contact is not going to be maintained, however I would be annoyed at a DP who didn’t have boundaries and was useless.

You've changed from this is happening to this used to happen. Your posts are all over the place.

I went from thinking your partner was chasing his ex to realising you were just deliberately obfuscating and changing your story repeatedly.

I think you're lying. And even if you are telling the truth that mil wanted the dog more than you and the kid, the dog is - according to you - in another country with the ex.

So who fucking cares?

Buy a new dog???? I hope you haven't got pets, with that attitude

Your MIL is a nasty immature manipulator.

Please don’t ever think you can control her bitchy actions, you can’t. But you can control how you deal with them.

So stop playing ‘her games’ and ignore her.

Hopefully she will see the light and grow up and realise her family are more important than an ex and their dog who are long gone.

Some people are just born mean and like causing upset, and she’s one of them.

Good luck 💐

From reading your posts it sounds like your partner needs to step up and acknowledge the issues with his mum. The ex isn’t the problem here. As others have said your MILs odd behaviour is clearly linked to you both having a child. Whatever the cause, the main problem here is your partner not being willing to recognise that her behaviour is odd. He could be reassuring you and reassuring his mother (if her problems stem from insecurity rather than something less benign), but instead he seems to be carrying on as normal? Are you able to have a good conversation with him about this?