How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

[ayloan]

My partner had a long-term relationship with a woman. During that time, they shared a dog and he said she did not build a relationship with his family. Fast forward, they broke up, 5 years later he met me and we now have a child and live together. I put in effort to getting to integrate into his family and spend time with them. But MIL has increasingly put effort into rekindling her connection with my partr's ex including taking her to lunch, looking after the dog, and keeping in touch with her family. Ex uses my partner and his parents for what. Seems like dog daycare.
MIL does not seem keen on our child or my family but seems to be pouring effort into partner's ex and their dog and keeps in touch with her family.
Am I being unreasonable to be uncomfortable and ask partner to have boundaries with ex?
My partner seems to think they're just doing the right thing by their dog and I'm unreasonable for asking him to cut contact with ex.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
Really looking for some perspective here as I'm questioning my experience and expectations.
Thank you.

So your partner travels to a different country to see the dog? Are we talking driving from England to Wales. Or is the dog abroad?

Forget the MIL & whatever she gets up to with the ex partner, the dog, whatever.

What is important is your relationship with your DP with whom you have a child. To feel this freaked out by the ex and MIL situation you must, deep down, feel insecure about your relationship with HIM.
That's what's actually going on here, the whole MIL/ex/dog thing is a smoke screen.

You need to reflect on why this situation is making you consider your whole relationship with the father of your child.

What is HE doing & saying to make you feel insecure and question everything. That's the key, the other stuff is irrelevant especially if it's happening in another country anyway.

DH thinks MIL is right and he would want to communicate with his ex to keep up with his dog but since I said I was uncomfortable with him engaging with ex (communicating and also taking eachother to lunch), he asked his mum to do so on his behalf. By the way, I only told him to cut communication with ex when ex wanted him to take dog for months when our baby barely arrived and ex also wanted to see my baby's photos. I thought her and her dog is a distraction from our new family and everyone should move on and face their present realities. It sounds like I was asking for too much and controlling when I just didn't want a messy personal life. I do t have my ex lurking around my family and don't want it from my partner or his mother.
I have tried with MIL more than I have made time for my own mother. It just was never enough.
We have cultural differences and they're pinning how they act on their culture and I was convincing myself that my expectations are in line with my culture but I don't think so anymore. I genuinely wouldn't want a life with an ex in it especially when there are no children involved and their breakup was not friendly. This regardless of who I am or where I'm from.

Is MIL one of those people that doesn't like change? I sort of get that, if your DH had a 10 year relationship with someone that she liked it's going to be jarring to have to get used to a new spouse. That said she should suck it up and make an effort with you and keep her relationship with the Ex separate.

To be honest whilst I'd always considered whether or not to date men with children from previous relationships I never thought I'd have to consider dogs from previous relationships. Do dogs really need people to go out of their way for shared custody?

I'd be telling your DH that while he can't control MIL his ex is far too present in your lives.

We live up North. Dog lived up North while MIL down South of England so MIL used to catch train to com get the dog. She used to come up and pass the night in our house (without really connecting with me) to allow her to go have lunch with DP's ex.
Now the dog and ex have moved to Canada.

Sorry what?

The ex and dog are in CANADA and you are UK????

You need to lead with that.

Surely your DH and MIL arent travelling an ocean to go dog sit now????
Or are they?

Also how old is dog and when will it die? Small dogs live longer!

They’ve moved to Canada?!

Then fab, not your problem anymore. Your MIL is hardly going to go to Canada to get the dog and she poses no threat to your relationship from there!

My mum always used to say "mother's of sons" in reference to how her mum used to accepting of her daughter's husbands and not of her son's wives. I've had that experience with my MIL, when we got engaged she kept bumping into one of his ex girlfriends who'd remarried and even asked her round when I was there.
The grass is always greener for some mothers, she probably didn't like your partner's ex when they were together. One things for sure she'll never like you, so stop trying and do what you like. She's shown what a weirdo she is by not being interested in her grandchild.

MIL and DP's ex didn't have a bond. I know DP and his mum are now trying to rewrite history but when we began dating and spent a lot of time with his parents, they did pass a comment that I'd spent more time with them in two months than the ex spent with time in 10 years and whenever she came around, she didn't engage with them much and would be in a hurry to leave. Now, they are claiming they were always close but that's not what I remember being told.

It sounds like your partner underplayed and lied about his exs relationship and involvement with his family. Why would he be with someone for 10 years and his partner not have a relationship with his family, that’s just odd.

But what about Canada???

This sounds like a non event now she's in a different continent.

I also read this as mil helping her son by proxy with dog care then being happy with lots of attention from ex.
You are basically the 'jealous lover" and youband the ex are "competing for mils heart "🤢
its also got shades of pick me. "Why doesnt mil love me best"

This is her choice and her dysfunction

Just drop the rope...
Let her cry to your dh you dont engage and say that sounds hard. I try my best. Sorry she feels that way etcetc and carry on putting space in.

Stop wasting hours thinking about her.
Focus your energy on your child and husband and being happy

It took me a while but I know feel v little about my mil and would be quite happy if this happened as alyhough weird... in means shes out of my hair / away from my child.

What kind of relationship would you like to have with her as a mil? Or as your child’s grandmother? Can you just focus on that and ignore the ex thing as you don’t have any say in who she can see. How does your husband feel about your mother’s relationship with his child? Are your own family in the picture?

I do think it’s weird to not have phased out contact with the dog after all this time. Do you know why they split? What strikes me is him saying she wasn’t close to his family which doesn’t seem to ring true. Why would they still be in touch otherwise?

You do you. Make the effort toward MIL that makes you comfortable. She will continue to be the grandparent and your other half's mum, so she is in your life whatever. Sounds like she is not very into the baby, or you, sad, but it is what it is. With the ex now so far away it will become really difficult to maintain links and the dog won't last forever. Let it pass you by, you have a young child, keep your focus there. You only really need to get concerned if your DH maintains inappropriate contact. Bear in mind, it's pretty healthy for people to have a little contact with an ex. Unusual for a MIL to go out of their way for it unless bonds were strongly formed but hey, let her do what she wants, it's her loss, putting her energies into your DH's ex will probably mean she will see less of her DH and grandchild as you will be less inclined to go out of your way for her.

Agree it sounds like there are lies and mind games going on about the history with the ex. That would make anyone in your position feel unsettled.

How MIL is acting seems to be what the issue is. How DH has been does seem to have changed? MIL does the dog sitting the majority of the time, how is it DHs fault?

you haven’t said DH is regularly communicating or spending lots of time with ex? And that she and the dog live in another country?!!

Ex is in Canada?! I’m confused

Someone is lying somewhere along the way. I'm assuming that's what you feel unsettled by

MIL and the ex always got along really well, both doggie people, that relationship is continuing post break up, MIL looking after joint dog etc - that seems reasonable

But that's not what you were told originally. Why the lie? Why the change?

It is strange. OTOH she is probably a close friend of his ex after her being part of the family for a decade.
Do you have to see the dog or ex?
I would speak to MIL. She’s behaving like a child.

@ayloan I thought as much, not trying to be I told you so just my experience and now that of my daughter's with her boyfriends mum.
Try and inwardly laugh about it and get on with your life with your little one and partner. She might come round eventually, but to be honest who cares. I lost far too many years trying too hard with my in-laws.

So you are saying MIL travels to Canada to look after the exes dog?

Seriously?

Explain the level of contact DP has with ex? I started this thread siding with you, but given the geography I am struggling to understand the problem.

But the dog doesn't even live in this country now! It's unlikely that MIL or OP's husband is going to dogs or even see the dog again.
OP is creating a drama about the dog when in reality that problem has passed.
It sounds to me that OP is still miffed that mil is in touch with the ex still by text.
As pp has said, it seems like mil doesn't like OP and wouldn't have chosen her as her new DIL or mother of her grandchildren.
Were you the other woman OP?

I’m going to go against the grain here and say you sound like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. This dog is now in Canada, and even before that it was living up north and your MIL down south?

How exactly was MIL providing doggy day care in another country? And presumably she’s not even doing this anymore?

How often did she actually travel up North to see dog? How often before that was your DP seeing the dog?

How often are you, your DP and your baby even seeing MIL if she’s down south?

So you asked your DP to give up the custody arrangement for the dog with his ex, he agreed and then MIL stepped in to help occasionally? I don’t see an issue? But you seem to just want this ex to disappear off the face of the planet before you’ll be happy. It doesn’t work like that.

Youve alluded to your MIL putting this dog and ex above your baby but you haven’t given any concrete examples of how she’s actually doing this? Can you elaborate?

I think you’re being ridiculously OTT and that the root of this is you’re insanely jealous of the ex for some reason, and nothing short of her disappearing or being shunned and never having her name uttered again would make you happy.

They are though. Most dog owners I’ve known go get a new dog if one dies. If there are issues with a new dog settling it gets a new owner, and if it’s dangerous it gets put down. This can all be within a loving dog family and doesn’t happen with children. ‘Custody’ arrangements for dogs are batshit.

Yes, I'm jealous that I was making time to spend with MIL to get to know her, going to breakfasts with her, spending weekends with her, going on walks, and trying to build a familial foundation for my child with his grandparents but she blindsided me by rejecting me and baby when I got pregnant and now acting like I need to put in more years of relationship building in order to be accepted.
But I also refused to try harder and have left her alone.
I'm only upset recently because she's been trying to reconnect DP with ex to get them talking over the phone and she's 'mistakenly' sending ex messages to me and then deleting them and these messages show me MIL is sulking over dog moving to Canada and is trying to occupying DP with those emotions, she's still checking in and keeping up with ex and ex's parents after the move to Canada and is forwarding updates from ex to DP.
So, I got uncomfortable. Otherwise, I had drawn the line after my baby was born and she's not warmed up to us one too many times.

The dog will die. It’s a time-limited issue. MIL’s relationship with you and your child is a separate issue.