How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

[ayloan]

My partner had a long-term relationship with a woman. During that time, they shared a dog and he said she did not build a relationship with his family. Fast forward, they broke up, 5 years later he met me and we now have a child and live together. I put in effort to getting to integrate into his family and spend time with them. But MIL has increasingly put effort into rekindling her connection with my partr's ex including taking her to lunch, looking after the dog, and keeping in touch with her family. Ex uses my partner and his parents for what. Seems like dog daycare.
MIL does not seem keen on our child or my family but seems to be pouring effort into partner's ex and their dog and keeps in touch with her family.
Am I being unreasonable to be uncomfortable and ask partner to have boundaries with ex?
My partner seems to think they're just doing the right thing by their dog and I'm unreasonable for asking him to cut contact with ex.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
Really looking for some perspective here as I'm questioning my experience and expectations.
Thank you.

The less reaction you give her, the more annoyed she'll be. Just mute her chat and archive it so if she does play silly text games with sending and deleting messages you won't see it anyway.

Trying to "share custody" of a pet doesn't work after a breakup. It keeps two people who need fresh starts tied together and is uncomfortable for most new partners. I'm a massive dog lover, and have my own, but hard as it is you have to just say goodbye and cut that cord if the dog doesn't reside with you

Seems a lot of drama. I don’t get this crazy “co-parenting” of animals, but as the ex is going to Canada, the problem will solve itself.

You cannot dictate who other people should mix with. 🤷‍♀️

Its been 5 years , he now has a child with a new partner. I think the dog ship has sailed...

So is your problem the Mil (she's not your Mil if you're not married), your partner or both? I love my daughter's partner like a son. I would be broken hearted if they split up. I would always consider him family but would I keep in regular contact? No. That would be odd.

Your partner's actions are pretty dodgy tbh. There's absolutely no reason for him to be continuing a relationship with the ex. It's a dog, not a child. How invested are you both in the relationship? I'm guessing him less than you.

Grandmother's attitude to the child - odd.

You need a proper chat about this one.

Sorry, this is a hell of a drip feed. So your partner's parents live hundreds of miles from you. Ex and dog now live in Canada.

Puts quite a different spin on it.

I’d openly to say to her ‘You always seem a lot more concerned with Rex than your human grandchild’. How is Rebecca (the ex) it’s been a few weeks since we’ve had some pictures of her and Rex’.

Call her out! She’s being a bitch, so be one back! Ask her why she’s so invested in her son’s ex who he hasn’t been with for 5 years and lives in another country!!

The dog was there first 🤷‍♀️you knew he had a dog already when you chose to get with him and have a baby. You wouldn’t discard a first born child just cos another child has come along later down the line, would you?

that’s honestly what some mumsnetters seem to think! They go crazy when a dog is involved

Thank you for understanding and for the kind advice too.
I have discussed with him that I do not appreciate his mum planning with him things to do with his time in a way that takes away from our family and leaving me in the dark and I do not want him sneaking to talk to his ex through his mum. I will discuss with him to just own his stuff if that's what he chooses to do and I'll make my boundaries clear
And yes, I will work on my independence and security.
I agree with someone who also said my PND may affect how I feel. When baby was born, I told the mum that I had PND and how the lack of support from her is affecting us, and things that I requested from her was to leave me out of things with ex and dog but not much as changed. She just now has increased her communication with ex and 'mistakenly' forwards messages to me.

That's what the thumbs up emoji is for. Just don't give her, the ex, or the dog any headspace.

I'd be careful what you disclose to your MIL. I think when someone isn't kind to you then it's not a good idea to tell them vulnerable things about you if that makes sense, it can make you feel much worse. I think you have to have very realistic expectations of this woman when it comes to you and your child.

I m going to be blunt OP . You need to take a good hard look at how your partner is treating you , what his priorities are and how important you are to him.

You also need to stop trying to integrate yourself in your BF family. She’s not your MIL and even if she was, they are still not your family . If you and your BF split up ( which is a 50% chance ) you will probably never see them again .

So stop sending her videos and pictures, let your baby’s dad do that . I assume he has a Mobile phone , there’s no need for you to do this .

Dont see his family alone , only when he is there . Let him take baby to visit his family for the day at the weekend while you do something nice for yourself . If necessary , tell him you are going to visit a friend who is having a difficult time because her gran is unwell / she’s split with her BF / she’s worried about her job . TBH I’d say that at any given time there’s at least one of my friends who actually has some issue , so I’d just use that .

Then invest all that time and emotional energy you are wasting on his mum and his ex and his dog and put then into YOUR life . Your own friends and family , your own education or career .

don’t make any announcements or drama , just do a slow fade on your involvement . Be polite but distant - it’s not your circus and not your monkeys .

get back to work full time after your maternity leave . Your DP needs to learn to pull his weight in the house and with your child . And you need to keep your options open .

don’t use his family for childcare , only use yours or paid .

remember that right now you are losing income , pension contributions and career opportunities to protect HIS. But you have no claim on him if you split up . So wise up - you have a child to support for the next 20 years , you can’t afford to be self indulgent.

The Canada thing changes this situation a lot! Let the MIL invest her time in a woman and a 9 year old dog if she wants, it’s unlikely any of you will ever see her or the dog again.

But I would say to MIL, ‘When I first met you, you said you had spent more time with me in two months than you did with Rebecca in ten years. Now your son has moved on and has a child and a partner, you can’t get enough of her! How come you’re still in touch? It’s the one thing that will stop me marrying Pete. My mother wouldn’t text my ex partner, they would see it as disloyal to Pete’.

It wasn't just the ex's dog- it was hers and DP's at one time.
A dog is a huge tie sometimes when you need to work away or have a holiday etc etc. When their relationship broke down and they discussed who would keep the dog, it's quite likely that they made some sort of agreement that DP would help out with the dog sitting when needed. The alternative could have been that they rehomed the dog when they split up. It's part of being a responsible dog owner.
We don't know the history in this case, and it's interesting that OP hasn't actually SEEN the dog in five years! And it's in Canada now!
With the greatest of respect OP, I think your PND may be clouding your thinking at the moment. Just get on with your life and smile politely when you see MIL, or just have a chat with her about what sort of grand parent she wants to be when the occasion arises.

Yes if you want to sound ridiculous say this ^.

That kind of callous attitude towards the dog would make me run for the hills, and I am not even a dog lover. Yes, they are both responsible for the dog while it is alive, if they both assumed responsibility together when they got it. So contact about arrangements for dog care, including costs, only between the partner and ex. Not dissimilar to shared children. As far as MIL is concerned - she can have as much of a relationship with the ex as she likes, as long as she doesn't overstep shared event boundaries like Christmas etc. That she is not interested in the child is sad, but can't be helped.

Op you are being incredibly childish, controlling and unreasonable.
it is literally none of your business who your MIL has contact with.
if your partner is able to have a cordial relationship with his ex that is a good thing, and also as far as I’m concerned absolutely none of your business. People come with baggage and past relationships, just because we are in a relationship with somebody does not mean we get to tell them who they can and can’t speak to.

That kind of callous attitude towards the dog would be a major red flag for me, and I am not even a dog lover. It's a good sign he still cares about the dog and doesn't ditch the responsibility - time and financial. People like that would otherwise just as easily ditch responsibility for children and elderly relatives along the line. What MIL does is up to her, as long as she doesn't invite the ex to shared events, it's no one's business.

That kind of callous attitude towards the dog would be a major red flag for me, and I am not even a dog lover. It's a good sign he still cares about the dog and doesn't ditch the responsibility - time and financial. People like that would otherwise just as easily ditch responsibility for children and elderly relatives along the line. What MIL does is up to her, as long as she doesn't invite the ex to shared events, it's no one's business.

Oh ffs let it go. You're obsessed with that fucking dog, which is apparently in Canada with its owner (though you were talking in the present tense in the original post). Your MIL can do whatever she wants.

You need therapy. For real.

@MadinMarch

dog can go in kennels when she goes on holiday. He can can and should contribute to cost of that. Problem solved.

I was completely wrong about this, btw. the more I have read, the more OP replied, the more I realised OPs partner has been nowhere near his ex in who knows how long and the ex and the dog are in fucking Canada.

She is absolutely obsessed with the dog and with MILs relationship with the ex and the dog, and frankly it's not her business.

She barely mentions her child and it barely even seems as though her partner is the kids' father unless you read carefully.

OP was talking about these events in the present tense, but then changed her story.

She replies to nothing pertinent and at this point I think she's either just invented this story or needs therapy.

This story is bullshit, one way or another.

So, I'm no longer thinking about marriage as strongly as I used to.

Yet you had a child with him which is an even bigger commitment?

If you want the relationship to last with this caring man you have to stop trying to control everything.
I am sure his mother spider senses are telling her to keep a distance from you to not cause conflict for her son. Go speak to your GP.
He is allowed to chat to his mother without cross referencing everything, imagine a man policing conversation between his wife and her mother.

The Canada thing makes no sense. When did this move happen

I don't understand why this is such an issue for you if ex (and the dog) lives in Canada, you live in the South and MIL lives in the North.

Leave MIL and the ex to converse about the dog. If MIL wants to forward messages from Ex to your partner, he needs to ask her to stop doing it maybe.

And you just need to disengage with MIL. Led your partner forward her pictures of the baby, and if anyone suggests that you aren't engaged with MIL, just shrug and get on with your life.