I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

Sounds like something a court order needs to set out. If she won't negotiate with your DH there's not really another way to maintain contact unless you do it her way. Seems odd though to never see the kids together.

YANBU. What are her reasons for trying to do this?

I would go to court and get the arrangement formalised.

Why does she want this arrangement? Seems odd to me. Unfortunately I think you will need to get a court order.

You are perfectly within your rights to say you won’t personally provide transportation. It is up to him to figure out the actual schedule, even if that ends up being every weekend, though one night and the children never together sounds like an awful plan.

If he can’t transport the children himself easily, he should consider relocating.

she has not given any clear reason , she said a little about wanting quality time with them 1-1 and that dh should be having the same.They get on well and enjoy the same activities though? It’s always fine and they are happy together and so I don’t really understand. To me it feels like disrupting us ?

Yanbu this is unreasonable behaviour on her part and quite odd ?

Why is your DH not putting things in place to facilitate time with his DC?

No because we are settle and happy here and have work family etc, his ex chose to move away 3 times now she didn’t need to but she wanted to. I have been happy to help as dh can’t drive but we aren’t chasing her round the country

YANBU and I'd be very surprised if the court ordered the kids saw dad separately, unless there was a serious reason. I have been a family solicitor for years and saw it once, due to very specific circumstances relating to one of the children's MH.

He is ? We have had them every other weekend fri afternoon to mon mornings every other weekend . We take them to a holiday every year in summer he spends a lot of time with them and tries very hard.

Could you possibly have them both for two weeks of the month and then 1 each for remaining weekend? 1-1 is nice imo - maybe there's some issues going on she's trying to address? But that does mean less time with their dad...

Don’t even think about a court order until your husband starts bloody well driving.
What a setup, whereby this fractured family can’t arrange their shared parenting unless you provide the means for half of it. How did he manage before you cane on the scene?
And now you are expected to surrender your remaining free Saturdays, and chauffeur those trips too. Screw that, in my book.

It sounds like their mum doesn’t want to be on her own the weekends that the boys are with their dad. I agree with what others are saying though about getting something more formal in place

No because it wouldn’t work with school as it’s an hour away .

He can’t drive for medical reasons

Is it possible that your DH could learn to drive?

He sees them 2 days every 2 weeks, and doesn’t want to increase this to 2 days week? Does he see them any other time?

But he isn’t if it has been left up to you to do the drop off and pick ups. From what you said, your refusal to do it is the reason he has said no to the new contact arrangement.

Get a court order, easier all round.

Has she mentioned why she has requested this? Is she struggling? Are the boys squabbling more than usual at home and they just need a temporary reset?
Two sides to every story.
And the odds are already stacked in your favour at 3 nights out of 14.

She has been ok for years with it and they are happy and love to come here together so it’s really sad as they won’t want to be split up . Youngest too always wants to go to bed exact same time as oldest as hates to sleep alone so it will make him sad

A court order may not be helpful for you - the existing set up you have of every other weekend and nothing in the week is low contact - doesn’t your DH want see his kids more?
I agree the set up she’s requesting is a bit odd but I understand her reasons. Hopefully your DH can be more productive and involved around seeing his children more.

I’ve been happy to do it as she kept moving further away and it was important to maintain regular contact. This though just feels deliberately difficult on her part to inconvenience

How would that solve the issue?

Your DH needs to speak to a solicitor asap about mediation and getting a court order arranged if mediation doesn’t work.

if she has moved away, the hand overs should be shared