DH doesn’t want to look after both children at the same time…

[SarahScone]

We have one DS14months together and DH has a DD9 from a previous relationship. She is with us half the time.
On the rare occasion that I want to go out for the night/evening with friends, DH makes it awkward as says he would prefer me to go on nights we don’t have his DD as it is ‘not fair on her’… Frequency wise, we’re talking once every three-four months if that.
I really don’t want to ask my friends to rearrange on this basis (although they probably would).
AIBU to think DH can look after both his children for an evening (and maybe (big maybe) an overnight, on his own?

Tell him to pull his big boy pants on.

They are both his children, end of argument, really. How is looking after 2 children unfair to one of them?

Is it that 14mth old will take a lot of attention away from 9yo he doesnt see as much as he'd like? Just wanting that quality time?

Why did he have two children if he didn't want to look after two children?

It's not about this, he just doesn't want you to go out with your friends. He's manipulative.

We are sort of similar. Ie you in a few years. Ds together is 3. Dsd is 12. I have to say. Both are DH children. He looks after them. Sometimes I need to go away overnight for work. No issue. There might be some logistical issues eg one child needs to be one place and another a different place. But we work together to find a solution. DH can look after both children at the same time together. It has never been an issue. I am able to have long weekends away with friends the same as he is. It’s no issue. Yes the children are different ages and have different needs but he just thinks creatively about it. No problems.

Omg yet another useless man story.

Pathetic excuse of a father

Have you seen this Facebook page? https://www.facebook.com/100064519913544/posts/pfbid02qunWRNpaJA6ESV1zbD3HtNBhcjP1vqSNa4Neu1X1LRaZ8JmVjJjnkZtRN5qfohT3l/?app=fbl

After reading that he is happy to take them out during the day on his own and manages just fine it sounds more like he doesn’t want you having a night out without him he’s happy enough to go out with them and leave you at home to no doubt do housework but he doesn’t want you out socialising and drinking on a night out.
Did his ex cheat on him? Sounds to me he’s got some insecurities

If he is worried about missing out on quality time with his DD then it is up to him how he frames it to her. He says, "Right, I'll get the baby sorted and into bed and then you can choose a movie for us to watch together (or whatever)." Then DSD knows she is getting quality time with her dad.

Surprise! You have three kids.

He is being ridiculous and unfair. He produced both of those children so they are now all part of your family so he looks after them. End of!
The little one would probably be in bed early so he could spend time with the older one.
You need to put him in his place on this one. Hes their Dad!!!!!

Another case of weaponised incompetence from a husband towards his wife. He's being absolutely ridiculous not to mention selfish. He needs to give his head a wobble .

Just arrange to go out as you wish, and just go.

Not fair?! For his daughter to be with her father while you go out? He really means it’s not fair on him, having to be a parent. Ridiculous.

I couldn’t disagree more and I would definitely not be validating his feelings on this one. If the dad didn’t want to have something taking his focus away from his first child, he shouldn’t have had another. You can’t retrospectively start harping on about how ‘painful’ it is to be away from your first child and how much you need alone time with her. These are choices HE has made. Yes, one to one time is important for all siblings, but the idea that this has to happen every time the older child stays is ridiculous. And to insist that it must happen on the one weekend the OP wants to do something for herself. Why can’t he just have that one to one time the next time she stays?

To suggest that he must prioritise alone time with the older child every time she is staying places an unfair burden on the OP (who presumably is expected to look after the younger child single handedly whenever older child is staying), it also creates an artificial environment for the elder child. Life being an older sibling is about sharing, and forming a bond with the younger sibling is equally important. To siphon the dad off during her visits so she mainly spends time with him, and not her sibling or her step mum, is hardly creating a healthy family dynamic.

I think you are being overly generous about this man’s motivations here. It’s a tale as old as time… man expects woman to do the lion share of all childcare and will use any excuse he can find to avoid doing the heavy lifting.

And how would the OP have known that in advance of having a child? What a pointless, unhelpful comment.