DH doesn’t want to look after both children at the same time…

[SarahScone]

We have one DS14months together and DH has a DD9 from a previous relationship. She is with us half the time.
On the rare occasion that I want to go out for the night/evening with friends, DH makes it awkward as says he would prefer me to go on nights we don’t have his DD as it is ‘not fair on her’… Frequency wise, we’re talking once every three-four months if that.
I really don’t want to ask my friends to rearrange on this basis (although they probably would).
AIBU to think DH can look after both his children for an evening (and maybe (big maybe) an overnight, on his own?

I would also be finding something to sign up to one evening a week. Yes, a 14 month is more work but once bath time is out of the way, they are in bed by what 7.30? Leaving him with a further hour to spend with his DD.

What does he think people with more than one child do? I kind of get though as I have a stepdaughter who'd stay with us midweek and weekends at that age - it was nice to do family things BUT like you say, it's not always up to your schedule - if someone has a birthday or a hen do or whatever, it's not going to be planned around your husband's parenting arrangements with his ex.

His second child is still a sibling to his first. He should be encouraging that bond. As long as he spends some one-on-one time with his first daughter, there's nothing unfair about it. I imagine that when you're available to care for your own child, he's not spending every minute she's there just staring at his elder child with no other responsibilities or interests. He's being ridiculous.

YANBU

SD has a sibling and It is healthy for her to experience life with siblings in its true form ie: busy and compromising at most times.

I suspect your DH is using this as an excuse to get out of heavy duty solo parenting.

Yes, being a sibling necessitates compromise and sharing but it is more complicated when you’re talking about a blended family and more limited time together. If I only saw one of my children half the time, I would want to ensure they felt seen and heard by me during that time. Having a young baby to care for naturally makes this harder. It doesn’t mean either is more important than the other, it just means you’re torn between two kids. Lots of parents have to deal with this and I imagine lots want to make the most of their time with all their kids. Vocalising this feeling shouldn’t be frowned upon.

I think it is healthy communication between a couple to say what your preference is and for the OP to understand his perspective without compromising on her own life/time. I definitely don’t think the OP should change her plans or feel guilty for making plans on those days. But I also don’t think the dad should be slammed for saying what he did. If he was trying to control her (tell her to cancel or throw a strop until she did anyway), I would feel differently but I think they both have fair opinions and I think communicating them calmly to each other is healthy.

Heaven forbid he has to look after both his children! Totally pathetic and unreasonable

Is the 14mo not in bed anyway?
I don't see his issue. If the younger one is taking most of the attention he could involve the 9 year old in play with them. I'm sure there are activities they could both enjoy and the 9 year old might enjoy playing with the younger one.

Why does a 14mth take up a lot of time ?

poor man having to look after his 2 children for an evening which I assume means putting them to bed and then peace by 8pm ish

and then getting up to do breakfast for them

my heart bleeds

note the sarcasm

As there is nothing remotely unfair on your step dd about this, it suggests that it’s nothing to do with it. He’s just trying to control you to not go out.

They're both his kids therefore both of his responsibility!! Of course you can go out occasionally - don't let him railroad you into thinking otherwise.
How was he with you going out before your shared little one came along?

There is another, recent one, with unanimous comments over 40 pages. A mother wants to complain to her DD's school about her DD being banned from a trip to NYC. Said DD, aged 15, has run away on two previous trips so the school says they cannot keep her safe. No-one thinks she should complain. The mother has not returned since her original post.

So a second thread is the target here 🙂

A bit pathetic of your DH. What a wimp.

"practice makes perfect darling".

They’re both his own children and it’s 3-4 times per year. What a loser.

He’s being pathetic and controlling.

I think your title is a little misleading. I think he feels that when his daughter is with him he would like to give her more of his time. 14 months is a very demanding time and she may be feeling a bit pushed out.

Your husband chose to have 2 children. Therefore he needs to parent, which involves looking after both children at the same time. He's a grown adult, and perfectly capable of managing 2 children. Of course having a second adult around helps lighten the load, but it's about give and take. You are entitled to have some child free time, and if that happens to be when your step-child is there, then, well that's tough!! It's not like he's looking after 14 month old twins or has 2 under 5 to look after!

I think this post nails it. Posters are being way too hard on the dad. It must be painful not to be with his dd full time and I can understand his impulse to want to focus on her when she's around. Not reasonable to restrict the OP because of it and she should ignore him and go out, as everyone has said. But he's entitled to his feelings and OP could validate them (whilst still insisting she has to live her life as that's only fair).

Does he ever leave you with both? IE your sdd who isn't even your child? I think he's being ridiculous. Surely your toddler goes to bed then he and his dd get time together?

Yep.

Wow, of course he is being unreasonable

Ridiculous lazy man. Good luck with this marriage.

Absolute joker.

If they were full siblings, he wouldn’t be able to say this! He’s being ridiculous.

The rule of thumb for both sexes should be, don’t have more children that you can look after by yourself, all together. I’ve actually said this to my exh before!

A toddler (which is what I’d class a 14 month old as - a one year old in other words) isn’t as all consuming as a newborn baby.

Presumably the 1 yo goes to bed at a certain point, and then he gets time with his 9 yo? Then in the morning the 1 yo probably wakes up first, but once you’re back he can go back to focussing on his 9 yo again?