Would you blame the parent with multiple children NC?

[TheBushySquirrel]

Situation: Women with multiple children. Divorced from their Dad almost 20 years ago. Two of her children are NC, both of them at different times due to different reasons and nothing to do with each other as siblings are not close. One of these is her only daughter.

Both still remain close to their Dad. Her other are children still in contact but not particularly close to her and don’t go to visit often. Woman isn’t elderly but frail and in ill health, quite often in and out of hospital- has been going on for years.

In this situation would you think that she is to blame for multiple children being NC or would you think the children are being too harsh particularly given to her ill health?

This entire premise of this position glibly ignores the unique relationship between children and their parents. It is the only relationship of its type that any person ever can have. There will always be a power dynamic in a parental relationship that is not replicated in any other type of relationship.

No I wouldn’t do that and no she hasn’t asked.

More she’s asking my help to take her places, bring her stuff at hospital, general companionship, messaging me a lot.

I’m trying to figure out if I should help as I do feel sad for her or if I should avoid the situation because two children are a pattern.

As I mentioned I do have a hard time saying no so if she is someone that takes advantage I could find myself in a tricky situation. I absolutely would not get involved with any of her adult children though.

You have said twice that you don't live near her / live quite far away, so why on earth would you be driving her anywhere - how could you take her places / bring her stuff to hospital as you do not live near her !

No is a very simple and short word.

Me and my sister don’t speak to our mother. We don’t speak to each other either as we don’t get on. Because we don’t speak to our mother, we have no contact with our younger half siblings.

It is not natural for children to not speak to a parent. It goes against everything normal. To do so, you have to have a good reason. It wasn’t until I started to talk to councillors or people outside of the family that I realised how bad my mother was.

But if you listened to her version of events, she’s been a saint of a mother. At this point I don’t know if she’s a narcissist or mentally ill. She’s even been in papers and the tv fighting for the rights of kids. If people only knew the stuff she’s done over the years to her kids…

Id stay well away! Some people are very good actors. My mother has fooled some very clever people, including professionals .

Honestly, step back. Let her son run around after her and keep her company by text etc.
This is not your circus. Stay outside the tent.

This 1,000 times

I think the fact your partner, her son, has basically shrugged and said he doesn't care if you help or not says a lot.

If I couldn't help a family member I cared about, I'd ask DH to do what he could. And vice versa. I've spent many an hour sat in hospital with FIL because I was free and DH wasn't. Love the man. Wouldn't ask DH to actively help my uncle who has shoved away his kids though. Wouldn't stop him but wouldn't ask.

Her son doesn't care whether she has support from you or not. Think about that.

Yes totally agree with this.
My MIL is ill. I asked DH if I could do specific things that would help her. He was very grateful (whilst stressing that I didn't have to - but I am doing so because I want to).

OP's DP is not supporting his mum at all, and doesn't care if his partner does or not. Sounds to me as if he's not desperately close to his mum either.

That's true. However it would also be remiss to pretend that the power in the relationship is never held by the child. There are many threads on here with parents who feel powerless against their children. Desperate parents of teens who do as they please, too frightened of alienating them further to impose boundaries. The adult children who bully and control their parents into doing childcare that's too much for them, by weaponising their relationships with their grandchildren. Mothers intimidated and exploited in their own homes by adult children they feel unable to ask to leave.
Power relationships are complex and depend as much on the character and will of the people concerned as they do on their roles. A naturally passive, keen to please parent can easily be in a subordinate role to their strong willed, forceful child. Even the threat of 'no contact' can be enough to bring a parent to heel if their child is minded to use it.

Do the children in those sorts of relationships go no contact though?

It seems very unlikely - why would they if they are getting what they want? If they threaten it, it's an empty threat which will be instantly withdrawn if the parent agrees to "their demands". That's not no contact - it's "the silent treatment" - which is a form of abuse.

Far more likely for the parent to go no contact as they are not prepared to put up with the behaviour any more, in which case they will be able to explain this to others (and it's not likely to be for more than one child unless the behaviour is actually as a result of the upbringing).

I am witness to a low contact / sometimes no contact relationship between an elderly mother and her adult son.
I have known them from being a young child , she is now considerably frail and unwell ,he is not a nice person.
But as she has become more needy and i think manipulative i have begun to see things in a different light and i think the son grew up with very little warmth and freedom but everything material he wanted - i know that doesn't matter, and now it's payback time .
So even though i don't like him i feel sorry for them both as it could have been so much better and yes i do blame the parent more so now.
It makes me wonder how many of the little old ladies and men in care homes who get no visitors are reaping what they sowed .

They go no contact when they are no longer getting what they want which is usually money. At the point at which the parent finally draws the line and refuses to cooperate, the relationship becomes worthless to them and so is discarded

But she doesn't add to your life and your DP is actively uninterested for a good reason. No good can come from it.

Just because someone asks, doesn't mean it's a good idea.

Do you normally have a saviour complex? Do you think you're really going to be the one who undoes all the hurt?

She offers nothing. Consistently. In a way that was problematic for her children. She is weaponising you and you dint even see it because you're so desperate to leaople please and be needed.

This is spot on. She's trying to use the OP.

I absolutely would not get involved with any of her adult children though.

You have it all backwards. It's HER you should absolutely be not being involved with, not her adult children.

Tbh I would run for the hills from your partner even and not have her as a MIL. You don't want that as a MIL so I'd leave your partner if I were you. I know he can't help who his mother is, but you don't want that mess and baggage.

I didn’t mean it as in I don’t bother with the adult children.

I’m friends with them and see them regularly. I meant I wouldn’t get involved in her relationship with them.

It is very possible that the children remain NC because the mother doesn't accept any wrongdoing. Her frequent requests to contact her in her hour of need (hospital visits) won't change this, sad as it is. You'll have seen enough stories on here about disapproving MIL to understand a bit of the son/SIL perspective there.

Remember that however kind you are, a lonely person can also be a burden. If you overcommit yourself now, it'll be hard to untangle when your life gets busy. An arms length relationship - supporting her from a distance if that's what you're comfortable with - means having boundaries and not giving into emotional manipulation.