Would you blame the parent with multiple children NC?

[TheBushySquirrel]

Situation: Women with multiple children. Divorced from their Dad almost 20 years ago. Two of her children are NC, both of them at different times due to different reasons and nothing to do with each other as siblings are not close. One of these is her only daughter.

Both still remain close to their Dad. Her other are children still in contact but not particularly close to her and don’t go to visit often. Woman isn’t elderly but frail and in ill health, quite often in and out of hospital- has been going on for years.

In this situation would you think that she is to blame for multiple children being NC or would you think the children are being too harsh particularly given to her ill health?

What is she expecting you to do? Hand-on care?

I'd be very wary indeed. Your partner doesn't seem that keen to help his mum and keeps his distance. He will have his own reasons for this.

I don't think that your MIL should be asking you. It's obvious that her own behaviour has driven people away. She has obviously been telling you how sad she is that her children are no contact and she is baffled about the reason. I don't believe this for a minute. She'll know why but won't accept it.

I would bet good money that if you start helping her, you will end up at her beck and call and your relationship will deteriorate massively. If you then pull back, you will start complaining about you to other people.

If you live far away what kind of help is she looking for? Do you have DC, a job?

Do you see yourself as her rescuer @TheBushySquirrel?

Think of the dynamics and fall-out for your partner and his siblings should you, in your infinite wisdom, decide to "support" a woman who has zero support and little contact from her own children.

Are they all wrong because you feel sorry for her?

She is particularly adamant she did nothing wrong to her son.

This is quite a bizarre distinction. She definitely didnt do anything to her son. So what about the others?- this implies she did do something to the others otherwise she wouldn't single her son out like this, she would have just said it applied to all of them.

You describe her as intense and needy, has zero friends. It's pretty obvious from all of this there are significant reasons why noone wants contact with her. If you start to help her (what does that even entail or mean if you live miles away?!) then I suspect you will soon find out why noone wants to spend time around her.

I mean she blames her sons wife for everything to do with the downfall of that relationship. Like he’s been brainwashed. I believe they were quite close before he got married.

"she blames her sons wife for everything to do with the downfall of that relationship" A tale as old as time!!

Continues to abuse children? Have you been to the police?

' so he cannot do it himself.'

nowhere have you said he wants to do it himself...

Yes. Shes the common denominator.

Yes of course. Who’s nc with their mother for no good reason? I’m saying that as someone who is nc with mine after years of one-more-chances. It’s like cutting a core pain out of my body. Her words still haunt me though. She used to tell people I was to blame for all her failed relationships and that she hated me. I was a child.

OP I don't think anyone here can answer this one for you. You know what you are willing to give here; time, care, presents, presence etc etc. If it becomes too much you are an adult and can presumably say "enough" and stop?

She hasn't done anything to you and everything is fears and speculation on your behalf. If you have trouble saying no and are one of those people pleasing types who push themselves onto people "in need" that they barely know then expect huge amounts of adoration and public affection/kudos in return, maybe your family are thinking this might be a bad combination if this woman is not great with keeping up friendships.

Do NOT get involved. She sounds like she was enmeshed with her son and couldn't cope when he got married. It's always the horrible wife's fault, she stole precious son away blah blah blah.
Keep your boundaries and protect yourself. NC children do it for a reason.

So he has been "brainwashed". What about the others- were they all brainwashed too?

Notice all the excuses and how nothing is her fault, its always someone else's.

We don't know enough about the situation. Why have the children gone NC?

Whats it to do with you and why are you expecting people to judge another woman without even knowing her. Awful.

Maybe you should read her full thread to see she’s trying to be kind to this person.

Probably kinder than I would be! I’d stay well away from this situation.

I think it’s a massive decision to go NC with a parent and is generally not just done due to some parenting mistakes in childhood, but ongoing behaviours and denial of wrongdoings.

I’m LC and my siblings NC with my mother and she frequently lures people into caring/supporting her with her stories of ill health and family abandoning her. People quickly realise that she is not a nice or safe person and then she moves onto the next. I’d be cautious if I was you.

I definitely don’t expect any praise or kudos from anyone for anything. But I do find I have difficulty saying no and have found myself getting taken advantage of on occasion.

Simply this: does she add to your life or take away from it?

I would say neither

I wouldn't judge.
It's easy to try to ascribe "blame" but it's more complex isn't it?
Parent may have had multiple issues, none of which are her fault which impacted her ability to cope with parenting.
Each kid experiences childhood differently.

I think maybe your family are worried, given that you can't say no, that you will end up in a situation that you can't get out of.

I don't think that would be the other person's fault necessarily - people need boundaries for healthy relationships of any type or they feel taken advantage of because they can't manage situations. Given this is likely to be an issue I would set clear expectations for yourself and boundaries on what you offer before you begin and meet her. For eg, visit once every 2 weeks, never lend money, take fruit, don't do cleaning etc etc.

I am trying to figure out how much support to offer the woman as the partner of one of the children who isn’t NC.

She blames the wife of her son for him falling out with her citing her as controlling, and would say her daughter has been difficult for years and believes she cut her off due to her getting poorly.

I am trying to figure out how much support to offer the woman as the partner of one of the children who isn’t NC.

DP isn’t very close to her as she divorced his Dad and moved hours away when he turned 17

You contradicted yourself @TheBushySquirrel
I’m not getting involved...it’s none of my business.

Keep out of it. Nothing good will come of you getting involved. She is not your parent.

You do not know what went on in the past, or as I told my mothers neighbour - You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Edited

I think my DP doesn’t want me to feel put upon by her and he knows she can be full on. We live quite far away and he is literally not here for months at a time anyway so he cannot do it himself.

I think he's trying to tell you to keep out of it. Swap the word "cannot" to "will not" and that's probably closer to the mark.

@TheBushySquirrel I highly recommend you spend some time watching some of these skits which show some ofthe dynamics that can be at play when children go no contact. Not saying this is what your MIL or siblings-in-law are like. But as someone who comes from a family with a lot of challenging behaviours I find these skits make me think quite deeply and are also quite helpful in thinking about how I want to show up for my family. This is one of the most recent ones.
Barb (the MIL) seeks therapy skit

So why do you feel you ought to help?

I can't think of any reason other than being guilt tripped.