Would you blame the parent with multiple children NC?

[TheBushySquirrel]

Situation: Women with multiple children. Divorced from their Dad almost 20 years ago. Two of her children are NC, both of them at different times due to different reasons and nothing to do with each other as siblings are not close. One of these is her only daughter.

Both still remain close to their Dad. Her other are children still in contact but not particularly close to her and don’t go to visit often. Woman isn’t elderly but frail and in ill health, quite often in and out of hospital- has been going on for years.

In this situation would you think that she is to blame for multiple children being NC or would you think the children are being too harsh particularly given to her ill health?

@TheBushySquirrel the situation could be entirely her fault. That doesn’t mean she can’t be treated with kindness now.

People can be vulnerable and old and in need, AND have managed previous relationships badly.

Don’t assume she will manage new relationships well. Only give what you can afford. If you can afford to be kind and supportive, then that’s a good deed.

DM is supported by neighbours who are far nicer than she deserves. She needs their support because none of her local children or grandchildren want to spend time with her. They could do better- between them they could pop in for an hour a month and she’d see someone every week. She can get out and about, she’s very busy, but needs help when she can’t reach something, or her tech goes wrong.

To give a little bit more context woman doesn’t really have any friends. She has a few people who check on her due to illness but no deep meaningful friendships, she is very lonely due to this.

This sounds like my mother. She fails to make the link between her own bad behaviour and lack of friends and (maybe, it is my mother) the fact that 2 of her children are NC. It's always other people.

It also sounds like her illness is being used to guilt trip and to make others feel sorry for her.

No, because I know how easy it is for family relationships to break down over misunderstandings.

The fact that there are two children is irrelevant. One might have followed the other’s lead.

It’s the particular circumstances that would lead me to judge.

The hospital/illness thing is really manipulative, just because someone is unwell doesn’t mean they can treat people however they like. Someone who can’t keep a friend and has fallen out with several family members then it’s very likely that they are the problem.

Yes I think there's a reason they're NC.
2 of my kids are NC with their dad, 3rd speaks to him because he's her dad but won't meet his new partner or half sibling. Will only speak to him on the phone or see him if it's convenient for her but at the end of the day the calls and in persons would be no more than twice a year.

Its his fault they don't want a proper relationship with him. The two that don't speak to him I don't think ever will. But he deserves it.
So I'd say there is a reason hers don't too.

Yes. One child can be explained as an argument/ disagreement gone to extreme. Multiple siblings no contact or very low contact suggests something deeper and that that parent is problematic in some way, especially as the children have maintained contact with the other parent.

I know of a situation like this and in that case it is absolutely as a result of the mother's behaviour. She would never see or acknowledge that. It's not like she beat or starved her children but the reasons for no contact or low contact are a combination of one or two egregious incidents by themselves and decades of drip-drip wearing negativity and utter selfishness mixed with a misplaced sense of ill-usage.

That's not to say that she's necessarily had an easy run of it herself but she has never been able to focus on the good or, crucially, put aside her own woes to focus on what's best for her children in any consistent way (when they were children or as adults).

If all your children are united in feeling negatively towards you, and especially if we're looking at a sample size of three or more, I think you have to accept that the problem is probably you somewhere along the line.

Re whether I 'judge' her, mainly what I feel towards her is sadness mixed with frustration that so much of this and her unhappiness in general is within her power to change (as has been both gently and firmly pointed out to her at various times) but it seems easier or preferable in some way to her to continue exactly as she is, remaining quite unhappy and also bitter about it.

If this is about you, I hope you chose differently.

To be clear, I am not judging your friend’s position.

No I would never judge a mother or father in this situation.

I have known extremely ugly divorces where the children have been brainwashed and weaponised against the other parent, so that they don’t want contact with that parent. It is very sad.

I usually judge people with any child who is NC and it may be me projecting from my own experience but I just don’t think many people make a decision like this lightly.

I’m NC with my dad, have been for many years. Realised when I reached adulthood how much of a narcissist he actually was. The world completely revolves around him, his own dreams and ambitions (even though they’re a total fantasy) were the most important thing in his life. I’m his only child and he has gladly stopped contacting me because I dared criticise him for this and told him he almost definitely wasn’t going to be famous about 15 years ago… Never met his youngest GC. He lives in lala land. No idea what narrative he pulls about why I’m NC but it’s probably my fault in some way.

Equally, my mum’s partner has two adult daughters. One seems stable - married with two kids, both graduates, both have good jobs and a nice home etc. She won’t speak to him, been NC for years. His younger daughter on the flip side has been to prison, had her DS removed by SS at certain periods, main stream of income is OF and stripping etc. She talks to him but mostly to get money from him. I think something must have gone wrong in their lives for this situation to occur and it does make me wary of him, however nice he seems on the surface.

That post tells us exactly why her children are no contact. Good for them.

Her ill health has nothing to do with it, and the children should not be guilt tripped into anything to do with her / her health.
NC is NC - their choice / decision.

I do hope she is not hoping / expecting her only daughter to suddenly step up and start caring about her / for her.

Her ill health is irrelevant.

Yes, I would be very wary of someone who had no friends and two children who had cut contact.

I’ve been NC with my mother for 4 years. She will tell anyone who’ll listen that I’m stopping her seeing her grandchildren and an awful person. The truth is she is a chronic alcoholic who abused my late father and is the most horrible nastiest person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Nothing will ever make me talk to her again or subject my children to her.

there is always a reason that children go NC with their parents

Agreed, but unfortunately that reason sometimes is sadly quite trivial, I guess because there is a craze atm for being NC with 'narcissistic' parents.
It's a cruel action, except when essential to protect the adult child's safety, but, given the fashion for going NC, I don't believe it is often for those reasons.
Sometimes the parent has no idea what they are supposed to have done and is not told.

So her NC children have set boundaries and she’s STILL trying to breach them?

Really? You think people genuinely go NC with people they love and have good relationships with for a "trivial" reason or because it's "the fashion"?

Or is it more likely that they don't want to explain the reason to you, or it's not a single reason but a long list of them spanning many years - any of which on their own might sound "trivial".

Unfortunately, yes, I know this is the case.

Can be due to external pressure, misunderstanding, mental disorder on the part of the child, many things.

One child, maybe, but two...?

Why does everyone in the town think that she is a wonderful mother? I assume that the mum is telling them how much she has done for them and how ungrateful they are and they are taking her at her word.

To give a little bit more context woman doesn’t really have any friends

Then it's clearly her fault. Two children NC and no friends? There's a pattern here.

She has a few people who check on her due to illness but no deep meaningful friendships. She is very lonely due to this.

Too bad. She sounds difficult.
Having an illness doesn't mean she's entitled to friendship or good family relationships.

She also sounds very good at blaming other people for her own shortcomings.

No friends wouldn't raise eyebrows for me. There's a lot of reasons that can happen that don't mean there's anything wrong with the person.

If multiple children have given the same reason though, it seems more likely there is an actual issue at play though.

Agreed.

One of DHs brothers went NC with his parents, and in fact the rest of the family many, many years ago, after his wife fell out with them.

DH and his other sibling continued to have a good relationship with them and I personally feel I couldn't have had better PILs. Always kind and supportive but never interfering or intrusive.

The NC DIL was a very volatile woman who was prone to fly in to a rage if something upset her. I was there once when she blew her stack and was actually quite shocked. No doubt she would have her own version of events and reasons but hard for the rest of us to understand

I wouldn’t ostracise her or avoid her, but I’d certainly bank it as something to be aware of, and I’d be extra vigilant for manipulative and dysfunctional behaviour.

It doesn't sound like she nurtured much of a bond with her children tbh. Her ill health now doesn't really have anything to do with it. If an adult child feels that their life is easier and happier without their mum in it, then that speaks volumes really.