Would you blame the parent with multiple children NC?

[TheBushySquirrel]

Situation: Women with multiple children. Divorced from their Dad almost 20 years ago. Two of her children are NC, both of them at different times due to different reasons and nothing to do with each other as siblings are not close. One of these is her only daughter.

Both still remain close to their Dad. Her other are children still in contact but not particularly close to her and don’t go to visit often. Woman isn’t elderly but frail and in ill health, quite often in and out of hospital- has been going on for years.

In this situation would you think that she is to blame for multiple children being NC or would you think the children are being too harsh particularly given to her ill health?

Ill health is not a get out clause.

As most children don't go NC with parents without very good reason; I would assume that with two NC the issue was definitely with the parent.

And yes, it's quite possible that the mother may have her own trauma or mental health issues, but she chose not to address those issues - her children (when they were actual children) did not have choices.

Children are never to blame for the ways their parents neglect or abuse them, physically or emotionally. No one goes no contact with a parent they have a healthy relationship with. The onus is on the parent to acknowledge their mistakes, take accountability and do what they can to repair their relationship. Poor health isn't an excuse.

Yes, when it’s more than one child you definitely have to look at the common factor.

I’m sorry. Perhaps the difference is that the people I mentioned do know they were bad parents and let their kids down? But it’s all too late. They know that. I suppose as an entirely external person I can be friends with someone who has made some terrible mistakes where they acknowledge them.

The OP question wasn’t “is it right for the adult kids to go NC”, I think yes. The question was would you judge the mum. I try to avoid thinking I’m morally superior because I was dealt a better hand in life. That’s all I am saying really. I’m definitely not saying the kids have any obligation to their mums. I don’t think that at all.

I would assume that she is the coming denominator there, yes. I wouldn't be judging either party per se, and certainly wouldn't go as far as to think the kids were being unfair because she is ill...being old/ill does not right all wrongs.

Yes I would think it's the parent at fault. Moreso with the 'ill health' part.

My mother who I've been NC for decades makes sure that I know her health is failing every few years, it's a common manipulation tactic. Her being in ill health changes nothing.

What i find interesting about the people who tend to fall on the parents side regarding NC, is that setting aside that serious incidents or patterns of behaviour can lead to NC, but also, unfortunately, not all of us are blessed with parents who treats us nicely. Sometimes its that simple. You wouldnt continue to spend time with a friend who said they loved you if they were a horrible person to you.

1 maybe not, 2 possibly yes. Very difficult to say without knowing the family personally.

If you want your children to be close to you when you're in ill health then you need to make sure you treat them well when you're in good health.

I don't think it is ever too late for a parent to acknowledge that they treated a child badly and to (genuinely) say they are sorry. If they feel able, and there was a genuine reason, they might also try to explain why. It may, however, be too late to fix the relationship.

I do judge parents who don't even do that or acknowledge that they were the ones in the wrong. Yes, they were not responsible for the hand they were dealt, but they did have choices about how they managed it.

To give a little bit more context woman doesn’t really have any friends. She has a few people who check on her due to illness but no deep meaningful friendships, she is very lonely due to this.

She blames the wife of her son for him falling out with her citing her as controlling, and would say her daughter has been difficult for years and believes she cut her off due to her getting poorly. Woman desperately wants a relationship with her NC children and will send them messages, attempt to call them to reach out etc and receives nothing back.

If you asked the adult children they wouldn’t go into detail just say she didn’t respect boundaries, was manipulative, turned nasty when she didn’t get her own way and son would say she wasn’t nice to his wife. The other children would say they aren’t getting involved. So that’s is how much information anyone would get from this.

Both adult children are in marriages with children, Mother hasn’t met some of the children and is desperate to. She spends periods of time in the hospital and tries to reach out to her children and hears nothing back, although they know due to siblings telling them.

The few people I know who are NC have good reason to be, though one is inexplicable as far as the parent’s behaviour. Their DD became trans, and to be completely honest there isn’t a more accepting parent - my friend grew up in an unconventional but very loving home but acceptance of other people was paramount. While of course an adjustment she was as supportive and giving as anyone , but her child decided that there was no way the mother could understand, no way would she accept him, and has cut contact to minimum. The mother says it’s almost like her child has been brainwashed that everyone but those in his community of trans people are the enemy.
Sometimes it’s also the coercive abuse of a partner that makes someone go no contact, but that often includes siblings and friends too.
None of us knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I am one of four, 3 of us went no contact with our rather difficult, unkind and controlling father. And the one who did contact him it was sporadic and hard work. I only got in touch with him again when mum was dying with cancer, and after that all the things about him that made me walk away were there and even more intense.

I think it takes a lot to walk away from parents, just as it would a parent to walk away from children. I don't think their illness would pay much of a part if that person was a good person and the children good people too. It would be all the rest of it.

If you asked the adult children they wouldn’t go into detail just say she didn’t respect boundaries, was manipulative, turned nasty when she didn’t get her own way and son would say she wasn’t nice to his wife.

This all sounds spot on given your update.

Not enough information to form an opinion. There could be, and probably are, a whole raft of reasonable for going NC. Without knowing what they are, nobody can really judge

Big red flag that she hasn't managed to maintain any friendships either. Sounds like she can't do boundaries and it's all on her terms. It's a huge emotional deal for a child to go NC with a parent - you don't really get over the emotional damage of cutting that tie. So given two have done it for different reasons I'd say this is on her.

In my own experience, it’s unusual to go NC with your family members over a minor reason. For that reason, while I wouldn’t say anything, in the back of my mind I’d be making some assumptions. Like I said, I have my own experiences and those of some of my friends.

My DP is no contact with his mum. I have never met her. He says she broke his trust many times and meddled in his life telling lies.

his other 6 brothers speak to her occasionally but are not close.

Apparently growing up she had multiple affairs and left their dad with the kids. DP was the oldest and growing up with the babysitter whilst she had her affairs.

I met her once and she seemed nice. But DP says it’s fake and she can’t be trusted. Rest of family say that too.

I'd say the fact two children have seperately decided to go none contact would suggest that there is merit to their claims of her being manipulative and not respecting boundaries, especially since they've gone none contact and she keeps trying to contact them! It's a very large and difficult decision for a child to go NC with a parent, not made lightly, and I'd tend to think the children had very good reason based only off the info given here.

I would say it’s clear all the people in question couldn’t find a way to make their relationship healthy.

In my extended family there are lots of fallings out. Some of us manage to maintain our relationships, others have had to step away. At different times the blame has been squarely in different places. Ultimately it’s a combination of people and flaws that doesn’t co exist comfortably.

Generational trauma. Not everyone can learn the skills and attitudes they would need to navigate things differently.

my father is 80. I had a psychotic breakdwon at 44 and lost everythign id worked for in my beautiful life. even my Christian faith. I said I needed a break from seeing him and he proceeded to make threats of violence against me and my husabnd. He is 80. he has never ever once apologised for any of the bad thigns that happened to us as children.

So sorry - It sounds an awful situation - have you contacted the police?

If the woman has no deep friendships and has a child/children who believe that she is manipulative, then I'd suggest she isn't a particularly pleasant person.

We reap what we sow

yes.

my step sisters have all fallen out with their mother and she fell out with me snd my dad because she’s not a nice person. Very bitter inside and takes it out on those around her. Apart from a few close friends whom she must be carefully manipulating to get sympathy for how awful we all are….

One child, could see that being a fluke. Multiple children I might wonder if there was something going on. That said, situations can be complex and I would withhold judgement. I know a man who has no contact with his three children. I haven't asked the situation but I know situations can be complex, parental alienation exists, so do other situations, and it might not be his fault. I just take him as I find him and as I relate to him and don't pry. I've just acknowledged these things can be complicated.