Would you blame the parent with multiple children NC?

[TheBushySquirrel]

Situation: Women with multiple children. Divorced from their Dad almost 20 years ago. Two of her children are NC, both of them at different times due to different reasons and nothing to do with each other as siblings are not close. One of these is her only daughter.

Both still remain close to their Dad. Her other are children still in contact but not particularly close to her and don’t go to visit often. Woman isn’t elderly but frail and in ill health, quite often in and out of hospital- has been going on for years.

In this situation would you think that she is to blame for multiple children being NC or would you think the children are being too harsh particularly given to her ill health?

I would remove the factor „blame“ from the equation. You should support her as much as you want, feel comfortable with and can afford (financially, mentally etc).

That includes being cautious and having firmer boundaries than you might with other people (due to the background information of NC etc).

but more importantly: what is your DH - her son - saying? Is he offering her support or is he staying away / being cautious?

edit: You do not need to support her. Toni’s your right to be wary and cautious. That isn‘t you blaming her or being judgemental. That’s simply a case of protecting your own peace and your own family.

One might have indoctrinated the other. My sister went non-contact with our parents and none of what she has ever said about them is true. I think she has false-memory syndrome.

I wouldn’t get involved if I were you, your relationship with your MIL is your DH’s responsibility.

It doesn’t sound like her children like her very much and I would imagine there is a huge backstory to this family dynamic that played out long before you met your DH. It’s worth bearing in mind that children do not seek estrangement from a healthy relationship with a loving, caring parent.

If your DH is low contact with his mother, there is a reason for that too. Don’t get suckered in to filling the responsibility void in their family.

Woman in next bed to my elderly mum during hip break in hospital aged 88 had children come but it all felt less than heartfelt. She would cry on her own when they had gone. I felt really sorry for her. She seemed so alone and in.pain. The son dropped in but was going back to Spain so couldnt hang around. And the daughter dropped in and made a rather big theatrical show of visiting imo but only ever saw her once again. (My mum was there 5 weeks as was the woman. ) The woman told my mum her husband had died and she'd married again and the children werent keen on the stepfather, so maybe they held it against her. . It all seemed so sad as she was such a sad frail little old lady. The dil seemed kinder and doing more than either the son or daughter. Yes, people may hold grudges and maybe justifiably but it just seemed mean to me now that she was just a sad little old lady in a hospital bed and in need. I could feel myself bristling every time i saw one of the children flouncing in. It seemed performative. She had a birthday while there with balloons and big box of chocolates and all very lovely......but i felt it was put on as a show for the doctors and nurses coz the kids did bugger all in the.way of real comfort or helping or bothering to visit. I uses to go down to the shop ansd get things for her. I used to feel.like ahouting f* off to the children when i saw them.

Not quite . DD1 is friends with my friend’s DD and she has admitted that problems started when her Mum refused give her money for a new car .

Some kids are just grasping grifters

I’d say keep out of it. By all means remain civil etc but don’t get heavily involved. If you choose to do as she is asking, keep in mind that when you can’t do something or feel she is asking to much, it will be you who is the next ‘bad one’ that she talks about, much as she is doing with your ‘controlling’ SiL just now.
So, unless you have a very thick skin and don’t mind that prospect, I’d say no. Being miles away gives you an easy out.

I'd just be very mindful and polite and tactful with all factions you are in contact with.

Be Switzerland.

And have good firm boundaries. Don't be constantly available emotionally or practically, say no sometimes even if you don't need to. This way you will soon see if she is respectful of boundaries.

I wouldn't judge either way. I'm sure they have their reasons. Whether they are good enough reasons, who knows? You'll only get one side of the story. If I was her friend I would try to be there for her anyway.

Im NC with my mum, sister is very minimal/low contact, brother lives with her (he's 33). My sister is in regular contact with our dad but me and brother are completely NC. It takes a lot to go NC imo. I wouldn't care if either of mine were ill health I still wouldn't see them. My mum's always the victim and makes everyone feel sorry for her too it's frustrating.

Mmm, in my brothers case it's that our mum finally stopped giving or "lending" him cash, or paying off his dealers. He's been an addict since his teens and he blames her for every bad decision he's ever made.

Once she stopped being his cash cow he dropped her like a hot brick. She'd still be willing to be in his life but not as a cash machine.

Every now and then he manipulates some other poor sucker into befriending him (ie providing financial support) with tales about how his horrible family abandoned him. They soon find out the truth.

In your specific situation, if you have personally had okay interactions with her and are comfortable offering her some level of support, I would do that. I would, however, be careful about boundaries. Be clear in your own head what you are/are not willing to do and that these are reasonable boundaries so that if she IS th eproblem with other relationships, when she starts trying it on you, you are already clear on what your response would be.

I think that no contact is not something most people do lightly. I also believe that yes, some children can be low contact or no contact for reasons that make no sense to the rest of us. But it does to them, and that's the important thing.

I want to be able to give her support but my own Mum and friends have told me to be very wary of her as there is a reason that her children treat her the way that they do and they think I am walking into the lions den.

They’re right. We are NC with MIL for very good reasons.

I was estranged from my mother for many years and I recall early on a few people subtly telling me I was unreasonable, she didn't mean the cruel things she did, I misunderstood her, etc etc. I never engaged with those people bc its not my job to describe blow by blow the crap she did to me. I simply removed myself from a bad situation and moved on with my life.

Several of those people came to me years later to tell me in shocked tones that she'd turned on them too and they couldn't believe the depths she sunk to simply to wreck their lives. One even asked me why I didn't warn her LOL that bitch made me cry with her insistence I was crazy for going NC then had the tall nerve to say that to my face.

OP I suggest you be warm and friendly and distant, never let your guard down or you may be the one she shines her light on next.

Or, you just didn't experience what your sister did. Just because you didn't experience it doesn't make your sister a liar.

Maybe the step father abused the children and that now 'frail little old lady' chose him and not her kids. You have no idea what happened, it's not your place to judge the children. Clearly she wasn't a good mother if none of the kids are close to her. Think about it. Mothers don't become saints because they get old.

Does it matter? Family dynamics are strange, fathers and mothers can manipulate their children into feeling bitter towards the opposite parent.
Maybe she raised them to be resilient and have strict boundaries that they used against her. It is really none of your business.

I think mothers get judged a lot worse than fathers for the same (or better) parenting. I know someone who went no contact with their mother but remains on good terms with Disney dad who she openly acknowledges was never there for her during her childhood.

While I empathise with her reasons, I sometimes wonder why her mother isn’t given more grace for her less than perfect parenting (no abuse involved, some lack of attention bordering on emotional neglect at times, though she was always loving), in circumstances where she had to be both mum and dad to 4 children for much of their childhood.

But dad gets to have a good adult relationship with his kids because he was always the distant but fun one and didn’t have to carry any of the emotional burden or impact of the consequences of his actions on his family.

I always look at these things in the context of unbalanced expectations of mothers by society, and even their own children.

I would think it was none of my business and refrain from judging her.

Oof. OP you seem like a very kind person. As someone who’s DH is LC with his D(?)M, I’d advise you err on the side of caution here… I really felt for my MIL and wanted to help… and quickly learned why DH is LC with her. As much as we want to help, there is very little we can do without our own lives imploding.
I’d keep a safe distance.

This 100%. Unless OP is one of the adult kids she has no real idea and even then her view will have a particular slant.

Maybe. Who knows.

But dont forget, sometimes children become adults who are just shits who'll look for any vague excuse not to have to care. That happens too.

I would reserve judgement, because there is reason that the children have gone NC with her. People might view their decision as selfish or, "think of her health!" and, "You only get one mum"... but there is a reason why they aren't in contact, and even more so if it's more than one child from the sibling group. The decision won't have been made lightly. If cutting her out has been beneficial for their well-being, then good for them for taking such a drastic measure. I hope that no amount of manipulation and guilt-tripping would make them question that decision.

Families are complicated, and what we see on the outside is not a true representation of what goes on in the home.

She blames the wife of her son for him falling out with her citing her as controlling

This is a dynamic we have all heard of.... for me, a klaxon is sounding that she was perhaps an interfering and controlling mother-in-law, still keen to come first in her son's life etc