AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Thank you for being so concerned about your sister. Keep trying to support her, it is hard work. Any little thing you can do, will mean so much to her. Don't let her push you away.

All the best to both of you and the children. It is a marathon, but keep at it.

I know - so sad

This! Its a parenting issue not the system. He probably felt out of control in your home.

I have two DC diagnosed with autism,and I am diagnosed with autism very recently.
I also home schooled for many years .
One of my DC was violent and we did reach out to social services many times for help.
Social services told me ,they would only intervene if my son put one of us in hospital or we put him in hospital.. despite me asking for help ,I was told I was doing a great job
Eventually I did have to put him in school.
It didn't last long as he was rapidly expelled,so I had him back home again very quickly.
Behaviour at home ,was lots of issues with weeing on things .. siblings beds ..clothes drawers..the Christmas tree ..it was constant..there was no help from social services.
He was then sent to a special school and expelled from that ,and second special school broke down ,and LEA refused to try another school.
So I had him permanently at home from age 12 with tutors coming in the home .
Was an absolute nightmare
Did every parenting course I could get put on ( they were a nice break and a chance to connect with other parents)
By then CAMHS had been set up ,so we started appointments with them .. they had nothing to advise or suggest,it was basically just going to appointments to give them a running commentary on what was happening at home .
What did help was getting the other children in school
Although that didn't last long as youngest wasn't able to cope with school ,and got diagnosed with autism at the same time as getting an EHCP.
We would of / are described as alternative as we home schooled from birth ,no pre school or school and we are vegan.
But
When my DC went in to school ,they were all put straight on to the gifted and talented schemes,.. because they were very advanced due to the lessons I did with them at home .
You have a vision as a parent.how you want to live and bring them up ..ours was being vegan and home schooling .. sometimes life gets in the way of that .
I was very greatful to receive both my dcs EHCPs.and very greatful to the lea for their support.
Possibly my autism was why I wanted to do things differently..I'm so glad I was able to see the bigger picture and eventually put them in school ..
I do think there needs to be greater rules around home education.. having said that ,we had the lea in every year for an aessment of the children's work ..and we always got glowing results ..but we would... as the lea were not looking at behaviour at home , only education,...and the DC were streets ahead of their ages .
In hindsight..my DC with autism thrived much better at home than school ...but to get the education that worked for them ( tutors at home ) they had to go to school to get the EHCP ( Lea need evidence for application)

Op ..home educating is exhausting and even if parents are autonomous with education,it's still exhausting having no break from your children..I'm sure your sister is doing the best she can within her capabilities.. autism is hereditary,and maybe like me she has it to ,and can't see the wood for the trees ..
You live quite a distance away from her ,so practically there's not much you can do .
In my experience with social services,the bar for help is very high and we never met it ..and I could tell you much worse stories from our past than you describe,where I asked for help and got told I was doing great ..while home schooling as well..
At some point your sister may get so burnt out she has to place him in school ,that will hopefully trigger an EHCP
Hopefully she puts her daughter in school age 5
Regarding Christmas..I expect the boy was completely overwhelmed and not coping being away from home .
Age 12 was the worst time with my son's ..by 16 they had calmed down and matured and the violence and weeing was much less .
So maybe in a couple of years you and her can be close again ,when he's calmed down a bit x

I wouldn’t want him to stay either. I’d tolerate it occasionally for respite for your sister, no more than 1 night. I’d be supervising him on this occasion on his heels every moment.
The food part is disgusting eating with his hands.
She should insist he uses a spoon, continuously trying to improve his life little by little.

Completely agree with all of this.

The fact he’s learned basic academic skills means he has a good capacity to learn in general. If he were at a special school, he’d also be learning social skills and rules through the school’s PSHE curriculum. The lessons would look a bit different to regular school lessons. More like ‘ok today we’re going to learn how to have a basic conversation about the weather and how to ask someone how they are’. This is especially important if the young person is not seeing what healthy adult relationships look like at home.

The boy is very isolated. Just because he has autism and finds it difficult to come out of his own bubble, doesn’t mean he can’t be educated on basic social rules. High functioning autistic people can and do crave friendship. He will certainly crave female company when he has gone through puberty. He needs to learn certain rules like ‘don’t stare at a woman’s boobs’. Things we take for granted, but which must be explicitly taught in a safe space for young autistic people.

My nephew is similar he is now in a special school and he is almost a different child. My sister had to really fight hard for a place , my nephew was being excluded from main street and he was violent .
They have support on how to manage his behaviors too.

Try to not say no ..... Offer two choices Instead
Clear boundaries. Screen time is earned or lost
Find something he is good at. My nephew is extremely intelligent and a chess champion now, he is excelling in playing several instruments.

I think looking at different schooling will help your sister

It's very simple. You do what is best for your children which means the autistic child does not attend your home. That is your boundary, and she does what is best for hers.

OP my nephews son is can be like this outside of his normal environment of home and his special school. I am glad you are going to SS on this.

What a difficult situation.
It does sound like your DSIS has failed to parent her DC.
It's such a shame she is isolating herself and her DC from the world and is not putting even basic boundaries in place.

My friends with Autistic DC do find their tribe locally - find support groups - &/ or online.

I am glad you have decided to contact SS

My DS has ADHD and some autistic traits and when younger and overwhelmed at someone else's house I can imagine some of these things happening. But we worked out how to sort him out (after being taken down various completely useless garden paths, and getting his medication sorted out better) and it isn't sorted out by him never being in a routine and staying at home and never brushing his teeth. It's been sorted out by having more routine and structure at home and by gradually expanding his horizons and by being firm and authoritative. And reducing screen time.

I think they will take seriously the impact on your niece and the dental issue may also attract their attention. They won't get him into a school very quickly though.

I think you are right. It also gets much more difficult once hormones become a factor too. My son never had any sensory issues intact he was a sensory seeker until puberty then all of a sudden couldn't tolerate his shoes and socks.

Social services are useless and do absolutely nothing to help. We had the police called over a year ago for violent DS who is autistic, has a chromosome abnormality and PDA and SS just called us and said sorry to hear that 😂

Still waiting for their "help" over a year later we have had to resort to medication.

It sounds like no one has ever tried to stop him from a young age,and now it is to the point no one can stop him.

You say you want to support your sister but you are logging each and every bit of damage done to your house.
In order to really support your sister, when she does visit with her lad, remove things that you know can be smashed. Why would you have glass baubles out when you know he might pick them up and break them when he is taking part in sensory seeking behaviour.
It doesn't sound like the family Are being supportive "our parents won't have him in the house anymore".
Get plastic bowls, cups and plates. Remove items that you want to keep safe. Help him create a calm space that he can call his own. It sounds like he does not feel calm when visiting your house and has reasonably picked up on your judgement.
If you really wanted to support your sister, you would have looked into practical solutions rather than complain about a neurodivergent boy breaking your precious baubles

Please consider reading my posts. I have answered this now more than once.

he had never behaved like this in my house before. I cannot child proof my house to facilitate his needs if I didn't know his needs had got this bad.

OP says the violent behaviours and peeing incidents are relatively new I think.

That doesn't sound like autism. Certainly not so called high functioning. Call child services before he puts his sister in the hospital.

Why should she change her whole house when the sister doesn’t seem to be doing anything to help the situation?

Why do you need to retract the statement? Clearly the ´system’s knows about the child. How often are they checking in with him being home educated? What have they said about his rotting teeth? And his lashing out when they’ve visited?

I wouldn't have anyone in my house that trashed it or pissed on my items, especially not with a young child of my own.

Plus OP explained that he's got much worse so she didn't know he would do that.

And some people's Christmas baubles are special! People often have items that have been cherished for generations.

@BetUWanna I still remember vividly as a child my mum let her friend's boy have a sleepover and he kept me awake all night and destroyed some of my toys. It was distressing and I myself have an ASD diagnoses.

Early intervention is absolutley key and amazing results are common with the right methods.
He needs professional help, as does she to learn how to manage him. Had she done this earlier she would have a much easier life and he would be much better integrated into a normal society and.. His teeth are rotting!
She is letting him down badly.

Nobody has visited (that I know of) my sister doesn't believe in modern medicine and refuses things like calpol for her children. I remember a few years ago my nephew had quite bad croup and a temperature when he was stating with us. She refused calpol and opted for Manuka Honey.

the only time a professional (again that I know of) has seen him is when he was assessed and diagnosed at age 8. 3 years ago.
so I unfairly blamed the professionals in a bid to not dump it all on my sister. But having learned a thing or two from this thread, the professionals aren't in his life it seems.

Good luck with the call today @BetUWanna.
It's a tough situation and I don't think there's much else you can do.
I'd be especially worried for DN too. It sounds like her mum is using her as an emotional shield.

@Miashu "Autism is a collective term for a group of neuro divergent experiences and behaviours; it isn't a set disorder"
Sorry, that is not true. Autism is a defined condition. The criteria are available in DSM5 and ICD 11 and diagnosis must be according to these criteria. All autistic people have differences in their social communication and interaction, their flexibility of thought, and their sensory systems, compared with NT people. If you do meet those criteria and it impacts your daily life you will receive a diagnosis. If you don't, you won't.

You are correct that there are no fixed outcomes in autism. However behaviours that are driven by autism are usually ascribable to those areas if difference. For example a young person being anxious if a supply teacher is in the class, because they don't know them, their expectations, their teaching style etc. is ascribable to communication differences and executive function differences.

If you read further in my post I wonder whether some of these behaviours could be impulsive ADHD type behaviours and enquire whether this has been considered. I struggle to reconcile the idea of sensory differences which could drive a small autistic child to explore baubles in this way with a "high functioning" 11 year old. It could be behaviour that happens in meltdown of course, but DC apparently said he was off to play on his iPad and was sidetracked into this destructive play. That sounds like an impulse control issue to me, more linked to ADHD or AuDHD or parenting (does he know that this is inappropriate? Was he seeking a reaction? ). Of course I don't know this lad, we do only have OP's word for it, so it's only a musing opinion for OP to consider as part of a wide range of opinions on this thread.

I assume I am the "Dr" you refer to in your post? It's a user name. It's a character from a series of novels I like, and the character is a forensic archaeologist. If my user name was 'theQueenofEngland' would you assume I am the actual Queen?

OP’s nephew wasn’t diagnosed until he was eight and this is common in high functioning children with (as is very likely in this case) no speech delay.

Early intervention is usually much earlier than this, preschool age.

Often it’s when these ‘high-functioning’ children get older or start struggling in school that their difficulties become more apparent. DS was also diagnosed aged eight.

There was no early intervention.

This was not due to neglect on my part, though I admit if I had been an autism professional I may have recognised the (in his case subtle) signs sooner. However most parents are not experts pre-diagnosis. His teachers noticed nothing btw. As I said it becomes clearer as they grow older. He is very much set apart from peers now (in his teens).

In fact the diagnosis of this age-group is often delayed because the system does focus a lot on 2/3 year olds to be able to give them the early intervention advantage…so if you’re a child who’s a little older (eg six) you don’t go to the top of the list. We had to go private in the end as the public system was taking so long.