AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

It sounds like the environment your sister provided not only didn't meet his needs but caused escalation of the issues. I say this because his father said he hadn't witnessed any of the extreme behaviours during his weekends with his son.

Possibly, but children often try very hard to keep themselves in check while outside the place they feel safest, home. It’s why schools sometimes don’t notice anything though a child may be very dysregulated once they get home.

If your nephew has been used to everyone walking on eggshells because he is so easily triggered then in an ideal world people would gradually increase the level of demand and he would start off in school part time as soon as he's ready. If demands are removed, then anything left becomes triggering. This is why we gradually increase the demands we make on our DS (who's had a similar treading on eggshells approach from some people).

What will actually happen, I imagine, is the foster carer who's trained to deal with children with severe trauma will use the tools they have and potentially lower demands further. At the same time the LEA will have to write him an EHCP and find a place in a specialist school which will take ages by which time he will be more easily triggered and bigger and stronger.

...that's possible- the idea that people who are reasonably stable are actually interested in him might also raise his confidence to deal with the triggers. As you say it all takes time.

I got as far as the peeing on the pillow and let me tell you, that’s nothing to do with being autistic, that’s bad behaviour!!

it is not the system’s responsibility to put boundaries in place for this child!! Could your sister do with specialist support YES but ultimately this is of her own doing.

Being on the spectrum is not behaviour that you are stating in the OP.

He’s being a little shit

I’m going to say this and you’re not going to like it.

your last paragraph explains exactly what the problem is!! ‘ultimately he is a disabled child let down by the system.’

No! The adults around him are allowing bad behaviour and then excusing it because he is autistic.

none of the behaviour you’ve said that happened over Christmas is autistic traits! It’s attention seeking and everyone around him is just just sitting around and watching it. And as I single parent to a child on the spectrum, it makes my blood boil!!

There is a 10 year old child heee, surrounded by adults who seem to have not even bothered looking into his medical condition!! Start educating yourselves otherwise you’re gonna have a MASSIVE problem on your hands. A lot bigger than a few baubles and piss on a pillow believe me!

You should read all of the OPs posts before commenting - this thread has moved way beyond her original post and thankfully social services are now involved with her niece and nephew.

I have been reading the other posts and tbh they’re all enabling this. No one wants to isolate someone they love but if you can’t get tough then you’re part of the problem.

the blaming the system of letting him down instead of actually doing anything is saying this is someone else’s responsibility and that’s not the case

The OP's nephew has now been removed from the sister's care by social services due to being a danger to both his mum (OP's half sister) and his sister (OP's niece) and he is in foster care. OP's niece is now living full time with her dad.

This is a 40 page thread with multiple major events and updates which you clearly haven't read. Your comments are basically entirely pointless and add nothing new or helpful to the situation.

Please read all my posts. I appreciate there is a lot but I have said countless times in the beginning that I retracted the statement that he was being let down by 'the system' and I do hold a lot of blame to my sister. I have since reported them to social services and so has my nieces dad. My niece was removed from the home due to safety concerns and then my nephew was also removed from the home due to violence, threats and dark ideation. I had absolutely no way to know just how had things were as my sister concealed and lied a lot, and I also wasn't allowed in the house / wasn't able to go to the house in recent months. There is nothing to 'wake up to' and there's no part of me enabling this. Hence why I made the report to social services and now don't have a relationship with my sister, or right now with my nephew either.

I have noted this in various posts too so perhaps read those when you get time so you can be brought up to speed.

But please don't accuse me of being enabling. This has been one of the trickiest times of my life dealing with this and I've made some hard decisions and sacrificed relationships due to this. I have done my best, I have no regrets and I sincerely hope she and my nephew gets the help they need. Thanks.

I actually agree!

ans how do you think your sister has felt? She knew you were discussing her and that’s contributed to her pulling away and keeping things from you all.

im not referring to just you when k say this but too many people are happy to just ignore serious safeguarding concerns because they ‘love this person,’ ‘know they’re trying their best,’ or simply don’t understand neurodiversity but reality is, they are playing part of the neglect of that child.

it take a village to raise a child and as much as it would hurt me to lose a loved one from my life, if it meant the safety of EVERYONE, including that child, I would call SS.

So many ppl saw the change in her and the isolation and waited too long to step in unfortunately

You've made quite an assumption there, saying that I was discussing her and that contributed to her pulling away. I did wonder how she felt but I also saw how my niece was feeling being neglected. That was my priority and the only thing I could have any input over.
She pulled away because she's a dishonest person and her world was emploding, and slowly people were noticing her lies. She pulled away to mitigate damage control, not because we were discussing her. She is a grown adult, if she wants to pull away she can, I'm not going to beg and plead for a relationship from someone who neglects children.

A different mindset completely compared to the start of the thread, but as PP said things have progressed and now we are in this situation.

Please consider reading at least my replies rather than looking at the start of the thread making this opinion. Things have moved on considerably.

I completely agree here.

Autism isn't a free pass.

I've got a friend who's son is 4, he has been diagnosed and he ran across my lounge and went to purposely knock over my TV. He laughed when I said no and my friend walked over very slowly and didn't speak to him about it. I have never allowed him into my house again. He's also been violent to other children including my own and she doesn't tell him off. She just says "just stay away from him he's gonna do that".

Article in the Telegraph about 'dangerous children'.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/dangerous-children-psychopathic-behaviour/?recomm_id=c81bf626-e5af-4e4e-8750-5cd8079fbdb8

I find a huge amount of very rigid views on this site, no one can start a thread musing or wondering about something without being attacked. Everyone knows family and toxic dynamics need to be thought about, navigated, managed, decisions weighed up, balanced. Theres lots of nuance. Its ok to be curious and find your way through. You've done the right thing and I hope all works out for the kids, you'll be important to them and their healthy networks and appropriate adults around them.

thank you, I really appreciate it.

Dear OP
You've done well in very difficult circumstances.

Would you be able to start a continuation thread as we are on page 40?

Puberty is not going to improve his aggressiveness or the strength disparity and will add sexual tension and mood swings to the mix, so starting to get help asap at this point would be the right thing to do. This sounds like more than just “seeing him on an off day when he is exhausted by Christmas”.

I can start a new one, the updates will be a little more sparse as legally these things take a lot of time but I'm happy to start a new one :)

Both children have been removed from my sisters care due to safety concerns due to my nephews unpredictable actions

Hi everyone. Brief update.
My nephew is at an assessment unit. He has been there for a few days now.
There is a chance at attending to visit him and this will be supervised with another member of staff as they want to observe interaction as part of the assessment. I won't be doing this for obvious reasons as I do not want to put myself in the firing line of any violence but his dad has visited.

I / we (nieces family) have spoken to my nephews dad this week. It's been eye opening to say the least but we just have to ride the wave at the moment.

My niece is due to start school on a reduced time table after Easter. For a little girl with not much social interaction she is being incredibly brave. I check in on her most days. She is doing really well and I'm due to see them again this weekend.

I know the threads coming to a natural end so thank you again for all of your support I've really needed it. If there are any big updates or anybody would like to follow the journey I would be happy to start a new thread.

My nieces dad is aware of the thread and he's read through it too. We are all very grateful for this thread and where it's led us all.

Thanks again all x

@BetUWanna Start a new thread only if you want to. You don't owe us anything.

God bless you all in this journey. I wish the best possible outcome for you all.

Thanks for updating OP. I'm so glad these two vulnerable children are getting support - this is significantly down to you and your concern for them. I'm including your nephew in this too because you have absolutely helped him although I'm sure its very scary for him right now. Wonderful that your niece will get to go to school. You're an incredible aunt for her ❤️