AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

It sounds like he can’t cope with the chsnge and uncertainty of having other people in his house, not of being in theirs (other peoples). Can your sister get respite care for him and visit you without him?

I’m going to offer a perspective from lived experience, because threads like this can be incredibly painful for parents who’ve been there.
My son was highly aggressive when he was younger. It was frightening, exhausting, and isolating. People distanced themselves, and the judgement from other parents was an additional trauma on top of an already overwhelming situation.
What helped wasn’t blame or exclusion, but time, support, and access to the right therapies. From the outside it can look like “a lack of consequences,” but from the inside it can be a parent in survival mode, trying to keep everyone safe while carrying immense shame and self-blame.
Of course every parent has a duty to protect their own child — that matters. I just ask that we hold space for the fact that families dealing with extreme behaviour are often already at breaking point, and judgement can deepen the harm rather than resolve it.

Goodness knows what type of behaviours your DN has in the home usually there is a degree of masking but it’s way beyond that now. The worry is for your niece she needs Social Services intervention that is on going as it sounds like they all live in a pressure cooker environment.

My dsd’s mother is like this and her kids are a mess. What she blames on ADHD and autism is really obviously also (primarily) the result of her whacko parenting choices and the chaos in which she chooses to raise her children. The having kids with rotten teeth but refusing to engage with proper dental care is also a thing that her children deal with (to the point I have insisted my husband overrides his exes’ wishes and lets the dentist use fluoride treatments on dsd’s already rotten adult teeth - she’s 10). Anyway, if I were you I’d report to social services because neither your neice, nephew or your sister are thriving in the current set up and it appears to be doing her children actual physical harm.

"She does have a therapist and from what she tells me has had therapy for a long time."

Your sister and her children need help, and of course you should call Social Services. The "therapist" is a waste of time if they have not enabled your sister to see this.

Thanks.

I do think informing social services is the correct thing but I really wouldn't get ahead of yourself and assume that they will remove her children.

I have a feeling that any offer of support will be optional and that she will simply decline.

If her house is clean, she is home educating them well etc I think it is incredibly unlikely that they will do anything other than offer some support such as early help which is optional. There is an incredibly high threshold to remove children.

She could really do with some support such as early help but unfortunately, I just don't think she'll accept it.

I would also be calling SS. For the sake of both children

I think this DC needs to be in a formal school setting and let the professionals deal with him during school time. This would free up your sister to work part time then for a few hours each day. Then when he goes to his Dad's house your sister comes to you.

Whilst your sisters choices wouldn't be mine, she's an adult and so you can't force her to have her DC at school, engage with SW, or whatever.
All ypu can do is try and give them all whatever positive support you can. EG praise how great his maths skills are, ask if he'd like to try (eg) plastic cutlery if the feel of metal is horrible for him, if they come for a visit make a quiet, safe area for him to hang out in and make sure he knows that if/when he wants to go home he can just ask his mum & they'll go. But ultimately your DC are your responsibility.

Thank you for this. I hope people will read and try and digest what you are saying xx

That’s easy to say without knowing if she’s been told by the LA that they’re all “full”.

Or if he would even cope at school. It seems unlikely, especially if it was mainstream only until a special school place came up.

Her approach/mindset would be fine if it worked, and maybe it was scraping along up to recently but the key thing here is that he is 11 and she is already scared of him. He will know that. Doesn’t lead anywhere good.

This is often the age that hormones start kicking in boys, hence why he behaved differently this time and wasn’t able to tolerate it all (my kid was very HF but no way would I have done 5 days in a house with a tree with glass baubles at the top of the stairs - wtf?!) Frankly he sounds like safeguarding failure waiting to happen. She is also seriously letting him down. What does she thing is going to happen once he is taller, stronger and stroppier! His autism ain’t gonna fade away and all she’s doing is setting him up for a situation where he may end up chemically coshed for his own and others safety. I’m sure that’s not what she wants for him but as she’s so isolated she likely hasn’t seen this play out anywhere. Even with the best parenting and intentions it can all go south when the hormones arrive but if you have a good support network you’ve a fighting chance of them making it to adulthood without being locked up/drugged etc.

sorry to be a bit dramatic but I’ve seen this one play out more often than I’d like.

yes, you need strict boundaries. Your kids are your priority. If you think her or your niece are seriously at risk you can either make an anonymous call to SS (but she’ll likely know it was you so that will blow things up) or you can just be honest and say you are seriously worried about nieces safety and if she doesn’t seek help, you will.

Also I’m wondering if she has actually deregistered her son from education as if she is officially home educating an SEN child she would be subject to some LEA scrutiny as they have a duty of care (obvs they are less on the ball with things since services decimated after 2010).
You could just call the LEA and report a concern - that would be one way in.
Poor kid. I’m sure her intentions were noble and sometimes it works but this isn’t working and she’s letting him down.

With the added details, this is a huge parenting fail. Neglect level.id honestly be trying to get custody of my niece before things get worse.

I agree with posters, that this behaviour seems very specific, calculated and in some degree disrespectful. When I have been around people who are autistic they have meltdowns.

He maybe intellegent but he will not be able to function in society if he behaves in this way. It sounds like your sister needs some support in parenting him. It can be very difficult when there is a meltdown in someones home so I wonder if that is why she is avoiding it.

Also he is now going to get strong, and potentially dangerous towards the daughter if his behaviour is not checked. I agree with others that some intervention is necessary.

I don't think the comment about being judgmental was aimed at you, OP.

I agree that there are potential safeguarding concerns for your nephew here. The lack of vaccinations and poor dental care for a start, but also the lack of social education.
Your sister sounds as if she never says "no" to him.
In a few years this boy is going to be a strapping young man with testosterone coursing through him. Who is going to teach him how to deal with this? You sister isn't going to.
He is going to need to be able to cope with urges and impulses and to be able to self regulate these.
I feel for your niece as well, she needs her own safeguarding assessment.
I have no issue with home schooling but it really does need to be well regulated to ensure that it is effective and doesn't fail the child. Education is about so much more than reading and writing.

If that isn’t a parental responsibility, I can’t see why it should be the aunt’s instead.

fucketyfucketyfuckerty · Yesterday 20:34
I have a high functioning autistic 3 year old. He pees in the bathroom, he doesn't physically lash out at all.
Etc.

To this and all other posts (including that of a "dr") that say the behaviour witnessed at Christmas isn't "normal" behaviour for an 11 year old child with an ASC diagnosis, I would say there is no such thing.

Once you have met a person (of any age) with autism... you have met one person with autism.

Autism is a collective term for a group of neuro divergent experiences and behaviours; it isn't a set disorder with defined outcomes. It doesn't matter how many different people you have met, or whether you are autistic yourself, there is no possibility for you to understand the reactions to stimuli, or know all the triggers, of every person with Autistic Spectrum Condition. (Please note, it's not a disorder, as that implies it's something which is fixable. Instead, it's something with which a person has to endure and find ways to cope.)

I don't think that from the information given, we can say that the OP's sister is a neglectful parent. Although, I am always concerned about children whose parents reject modern medicine and anything to do with the wider society. The fact she takes them to a forest school, though, is encouraging. Also, there is a big assumption that the niece has not been in a position to make friends. That is definitely a possibility, but not a given.

Also, most specialist SEND schools do not have provision for academically intelligent autistic children. Inclusion was a wonderful idea, but it hasn't been successful for all children. Perhaps SEND specialists could help the nephew adapt and cope (I have seen it happen when I worked in a mainstream school with an ASC unit), but there's no guarantee.

However, without specialist external help, the sister cannot possibly be equipped to help her son cope with his condition. Especially as one poster pointed out, she hasn't considered what will happen when she is no longer there or able to care for her son. He needs to learn coping mechanisms so that he can deal with aspects of the world without his mum.

Also, his younger sister needs respite and space to thrive without all of her mum's resources going into managing her brother's needs. If there is a possibility of violence in the home, that must also be addressed. Even if the little girl isn't a direct victim, it would be traumatic to witness her mum being on the receiving end. However, that is one of the most difficult things to control, especially as the boy is approaching puberty. That's often a time of worsening behaviour and unpredictability. (Remember, though, that outbursts due to meltdowns and directed violence are not the same thing, so we shouldn't make assumptions. The OP doesn't see her sister enough to know the exact situation.)

I do think that the OP shouldn't feel bad about making decisions in the interests of her own child. I agree with another poster who said that meeting up outdoors might be a better way to keep in touch with her sister. It may well be a place where her nephew doesn't feel as unsettled as he does when being out of his own comfort zone of home, and he wouldn't feel as if his space were being invaded either. It's worth a try.

I also think that contacting SS could be a good idea. It doesn't have to be a case of "reporting" her sister - there really is no evidence that she's done anything wrong, despite what people here think. But she needs support and so do her children. She's not going to seek that support on her own. If there is anything more troubling going on, hopefully it would come to light.
I'd highlight the lack of safeguarding for both children and talk in terms of support for the whole family. I would also question the suitability of homeschooling two children with very different needs at the same time. And point out that the little girl can't have friends over due to the family situation, so she is in danger of becoming isolated. Let SS know why family can no longer visit.
Whether the sister wants help or not, the LA has a duty of care to both children.

ABSOLUTE NONSENSE. This shows how uneducated you are! Perhaps if YOU had been home educated, you might have turned out kinder and a lot less judgemental about something you have clearly demonstrated you know nothing about!

Many many children are removed from school BECAUSE the schools won’t help them. Best school in my area recently lost 3 families to homeschooling because despite EHCPs, the schools wouldn’t support them- this particular school was found to be parking the autistic children up at a desk facing the wall with Lego all day to ‘keep them quiet’. And that was a ‘good school’, imagine the bad ones!!

Most home educators do it really well. Most have their kids do GCSEs at much younger age than schools ‘allow’. (Think 8-10 years old). There are many supportive groups for home edders and also some for additional needs home educated families.

Just because you read about one family that aren’t keeping boundaries and have let one child do as he wishes, doesn’t mean you should tar a whole load of people (and a fast growing group) with the same brush. The option to home educate is being vilified in the media, but don’t be fooled. Many home educators are qualified teachers who gave up with the crappy schooling system, and put vastly more effort in than just letting teachers do it. And it’s not a new thing, my husband is in his 40’s and was home educated, it was popular then and it’s more popular now. Don’t get sucked into what Kier and his cronies want you to believe.

There are a lot of great famous people encouraging home education or doing it themselves. Joe Wicks hasn’t put his children into school. Bear Grylls often states the school system doesn’t work and also started an online home education website.

Children who are home educated often get offers from great universities earlier because they show great aptitude and independence for study.
They also tend to have a good attitude towards others and are keen to learn about/from them: do you?

This sounds really tough.
I think if possible, don’t let it drive a wedge between you and your sister…although I appreciate it’s difficult when someone has such a different parenting style than your own.

it doesn’t sound like this lad is being taught much, and if I’m honest, he doesn’t sound very high functioning, if he’s smashing up possessions and acting like a toddler.

sounds line your sister is trying to have a break when she is at yours which isn’t realistic really, given his behaviour but she probably is desperate for the break at the same time.

could he have a corner that’s a safe space for him, where he could sit and have head phones, music, etc? Somewhere he is happy and will relax to let the rest of you relax a little?

There are a lot of online classes he could be taking (many cheap or free) to try and help him with his education…..the teeth thing is upsetting, he sounds like he needs some help and boundaries, but it’s a hard thing for you to try to intervene with as he’s not your child.

Would your sister like your input with things to try to help him/keep him busy/ get him involved with things outside of himself and his life?

You are right there is very little actual help for those diagnosed with autism, (both those home educated and those in schools, to be totally honest, unless they are in a specialist school, where there are 50 applicants for each school place according to the bbc article last week). But there are loads of groups and other places to get assistance, speak with others in similar situations, local families….
Also, online classes for a subject he is interested in would probably bring him out of his shell to be honest, you might see a real improvement in behaviour if he would try something like this.

I hope you find a way to be able to still have a part in your sisters and nieces life. I’m sure they will appreciate your love and support 💕 hopefully your niece can hang out for a weekend with you soon!

I know it is very hard in your position and does make it more difficult. However, if you had a child who hurt others, is it my duty to protect your feelings or protect my child? Obviously it is my duty to protect my children first. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions.

I am autistic and have several autistic children btw. Luckily none are like OP's nephew but I'd understand the perspective of OP if they were, even if I found it upsetting.

I don’t believe this kid can be so very deregulated at your place and is never like this at home. She’s either lying about that bit or he was willfully being naughty and looking for attention, and she was simply not parenting him or caring about your space. She is doing him a massive disservice by keeping him out of regular schools and away from being taught social rules and accountability. I suspect her kids are suffering from her anti-society
“agenda”. I agree that you can’t claim that the “system” has failed you when you have totally refused to engage with it.

I don’t think autism is the reason he is behaving like he is.

I think he’s deliberately trying to upset you. Urinating on your pillow is absolutely disgusting,

At his age he needs to be doing a lot of exercise to get rid of his energy. I doubt your sister takes him to group sports.

Your sister is completely at fault here. She is isolating her children. Your poor niece doesn’t even get a break from her aggressive brother.

Both of them should be in school.

She is being let down by the system
She should not be home-schooling him at all. But, there are a shortage of places in special schools and SEND units.
He clearly had a late diagnosis, which means she has missed out on early intervention classes especially regards personal care.

He clearly prefers to be in a familiar environment i.e. at home amongst his things.
Staying away for days at Christmas, is too much for him. Plus, he has sensory issues.
Many autistic children either love or hate Christmas completely, due to the change of routine.

She needs to speak the Children's Disabilities Team, to build in some respite. Believe me, you need it to cope long-term.
She needs to access a few peer support groups to share ideas. There maybe a local Carer's Centre.

Generally, kids with autism tend to harm their mothers & sometimes fathers, because they know the parents love them and are 'consistent people' in their lives.

You can still support your sister. Either just by listening, asking her daughter round for time out. Also, go round without your children, every so often, take something special round for him or read with him. Then, gradually build up slowly to half a day with all the kids, try McDonald's or a large cafe for food.
He will get to feel comfortable with your children and vice versa.

Please, don't feel bad. No one gets it right, we just try to do our best. To be honest, as a parent of a non-verbal autistic young man, any positive interest and social contact from relatives or friends is welcome.

Don't forget to learn a bit more about autism, how it can present itself, and different levels of needs.

But, a smile is usually enough to start to make friends with our children.