AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Hi OP,
Having read your updates it's not an exaggeration to say that services intervening (which they did in good part because of you) may have saved your niece's/sister's lives.

Hang onto that whatever happens in your relationship with your sister.

You did the right thing and never doubt it x💐

I would have thought this too however recently I watched a programme on iplayer about autistic children who were violent to their parents it was absolutely horrific and certainly not because of parental failures

Wow, what a lovely post. Thank you so incredibly much. 😢🩷

You've touched on something that resonated. The bit about being unforgivable. As the days and weeks go on, and the realisation of the neglect and poor choices my sister has made, as well as seeing the difference in my little niece with us and her dads family, I am starting to think can't forgive my sister for this. Some may say it's harsh. I mentioned before but she has lied so much. I've seen screenshots of her lying about quite big things. She has utterly messed my nieces father and family about from the start. She protected and concealed a lot of my nephews behaviour at the detriment to my niece. Seeing her so happy and carefree, a version sadly I hadn't seen before, makes me so angry that she put my niece through that. Of course disability can't be helped but we have a 5 year old here with considerable dental damage, when my niece has no problem brushing her teeth. I won't pretend to know what it's like to parent a disabled child but taking that aside, she's still been incredibly neglectful and reckless and I don't think now that's something I can forgive. There is no excuse for neglecting children. Not ever.

Thank you again for your lovely post and taking the time to reply. I appreciate it more than you know.

It's natural to be frustrated and to have 20/20 vision in hindsight and think you should have acted differently, or sooner. I think a good way to make peace with this is to decide that your sister did what she thought was best given the information and experiences she had. That doesn't excuse or forgive the situation, it just explains that if someone is misguided then the consequences can be devastating, even if they believe they're doing the right thing.

I think you said earlier that she's your half-sister and you didn't grow up together. Maybe that affected how honest you could be vs trying to be understanding and trying to form a sisterly relationship as adults.

Anyway, what's clear is that there will be a lot of change and ultimately, each of them needed this to happen.

Hi OP

well done for what you have done for your niece. She has suffered enough and you and her father’s family set the ball rolling for her to have a better life. I hope you get to keep a good relationship with her - as she gets older and has to reconcile what happened to her as a child, she will need an auntie who loves her and who can give her some roots without excusing her mother’s behaviour.

re your sister, there is no excuse for her mothering. There may be a reason though - it sounds as if she has had a difficult upbringing and isn’t capable of forming good relationships, whether or not as a result of that experience. That’s not a stable basis for having children. Her mothering is unfortunately truly neglectful and she shouldn’t have access to her kids right now, but it sounds as if it comes from a place of trying to protect her children from imagined threats whilst totally ignoring very real harms, which suggests to me some kind of trauma or mental illness. I imagine you have tried to support her knowing that she has had a difficult life and that’s always a hard situation to draw boundaries in. So forgive yourself.

Hi all, back again with a bit of an update.

I have not directly spoken to my sister but my sister has passed on family contact details for nephew via social services. My parents were asked to help care for my nephew which understandably was declined. I don't know if my sister has passed on my details but I'm assuming because I have DD they wouldn't ask me anyway due to safety concerns. I have siblings too who she could have passed on but unfortunately none of us will care for my nephew sadly. I think social team are trying to establish if any relatives could help care for him. From what I've been told my nephews dad also can't facilitate this as he works full time. It's going to be incredibly hard to find someone to be a full time carer for my nephew as everyone has jobs, or cannot meet his needs or children in the home. I guess this means the only option is foster care? I hope whatever path is made for him he gets some help as he evidently needs it.

My niece is doing really really well. We FaceTime most evenings. She hasn't seen my sister yet. I don't doubt this could catch up with my niece and impact her but she's doing great. It's been so nice to see.

Have nice weekends all.

@BetUWanna just so you're aware it's a legal requirement that social services have to contact family, or people who might be close to the child but not necessarily blood related (eg stepparents) to see if they can either offer support, or to take on the care of a child. They have a responsibility to let those people know that if they want to do it but there are barriers (such as income) that there could be help from social services if they want to do it.
If people volunteer because they don't want to say no (which is common) social services also have to assess if it's right for the child, and may decline someone if it's felt to be unrealistic, eg because of that person's existing commitments, health issues, etc.

Social services have to do that to show the family court that steps that they might take, such as a child living outside of the family, are justified. It doesn't necessarily suggest that they don't have other options or that they're expecting family to do it, but they have to try family first (and rightly so, because we'd never want a child living with unrelated carers and then find out that there was someone in the family who would have wanted to take them but didn't realise they could, or didn't know they could get support to do it)

It's a shame his dad can't/won't help. He will need to be in school (which he will struggle with but will help him - and getting him in a specialist school will be months if not years away) and if it's the right school his dad could of course work but it sounds like he doesn't want to even try.
Where is he staying at the moment?

@BetUWanna

Your parents are right to say they are unable. Given your DNeph's behavioral issues IMHO he needs specialized care. It would be very difficult or nearly impossible for anyone without training to care for him full-time. I'm sure this is just a necessary step on the way to a suitable placement for him.

I'm glad DNie is doing so well. As far as future 'impact', it very well may be that her life was so chaotic and DNeph was so 'favourited' by DSis that DNie may never actually have a huge emotional crisis. Children know when they are unsafe and when they are safe. She knows she is safe now.

@Birdsongisangry ah thank you, that makes sense. Yes unfortunately there's nobody my side of the family that could offer to care for him. I recognise that it's so sad for him but his needs are simply too complex and due to his age his strength would probably just be too powerful. My parents cannot care for him as they still both work full time. My brothers wouldn't as they aren't particularly close with my sister and both work full time. It's such a shame. I wonder if he was put in school from reception age if all this would have happened. A huge assumption but I do wonder.

To be honest, the way things have escalated very quickly, I don't think anybody could meet his needs sadly. His dad works full time and lives on his own so I guess couldn't give up his job. I don't know him well enough to comment.

Thank you. Totally agree.

Please dont blame it all on not being in school @BetUWanna - most of us home educators don’t behave like your sister.

school wouldn’t have stopped the wilful neglect he had at home on so many levels.

Sorry, I didn't mean to cause offence. I just mean in the sense of routine and stability. None of the kids had a social life really. It wasn't a dig at the home schoolers.

I know this is my sisters fault.

This is very true - but for this particular child being out of the system has failed him. And that's down to his mum - some parents just aren't suitable educators.

Can your sister not still care for him with help from social services? She must be in a bad way having lost the care of both her children.

It can be hard to accept that sometimeschildren can'tlive with their parents.

There are currently over 100,000 children in care in the UK.

Social services can't provide a service to all these families to get them to keep their children.

What would that look like?

If social services have removed the children it's because it isn't safe for them to stay at home.

It's worth considering how the lack of routine and circumstances have affected your nephew.
There are many disabled children who go through very difficult periods with a lot of dysregulation - which is also scary for them as well as others- and they emerge from that once adults adjust to meeting their needs.
The right environment and stimulation with attention to his needs could be transformative.
It's very misguided to write children off as bad, as some people on the thread have done. The behaviour is a communication. Things have overwhelmed him.
Children in care are not on another planet, and there is a variety of ways you can support his transitions and identity and sense of belonging, without being the main carer. If this is something you want.
Good luck to you in all your efforts.

I unfortunately won't get too close to my nephew currently. He broke my sisters nose recently and has been googling some very dark things which included my sister and my niece. He also took a small kitchen knife and had it under his pillow. It was only found when my sister made his bed in the morning. I haven't spoken to my sister but I'm putting 2 and 2 together here she assuming he's been removed from the home because he is dangerous to be around? Would they remove him if by sisters safety is at risk? My niece hasn't been back to that house and is seeing my sister through supervision with my nieces dad.

My nephew is still going to his dad's every other weekend but is currently in foster care and the living arrangements are split between the two. My nephews dad works full time so cannot provide the care my nephew needs (from what I've been told.)

I don't know enough about the disability to comment, but what needs were not being met for my nephew to do the things above, is it all down to autism or is some down to behaviours and personality?

I won't risk mine and my daughter's safety to be around him but i hold out for the future if he can get help and the extreme behaviours stop. However I don't think I'll have a relationship with my sister anymore so I don't know where that relationship would be facilitated sadly. I wish things were different. This whole thing fucking sucks. :(

@BetUWanna the threshold for removal is around risk of significant harm, though that is a very broad umbrella - however please bear in mind that SS can only seek temporary removal initially. They then have to assess to understand more, and see if your sister is willing/able to make changes with support, before a judge would decide if the removal is permanent.

With your niece it's a little different as dad can apply for PR and if recognised can 'exercise his PR' by deciding to keep your niece with him, or deciding for her to live with his family.

Thanks for explaining. My nieces dad I think has parental rights despite not being on the birth certificate. Social services are already doing assessments for this to become long term which will take approx 6 weeks or more from what the family have told me. I'm so glad my niece is out of there as she's thriving.

@Birdsongisangryi guess what I'm wondering is what changes need to be made to have custody of such an unpredictable child who is violent. Is it like putting him in school? I just don't see how anyone would be able to meet his needs, currently, and if he went to a mainstream school he would be too dangerous in his current state for other children. But I know that's not my place to try and figure out. It's a horrible thought but if he does go into foster care would they look for foster families? I just can't see anybody willing to put themselves in harms way of a 5 foot 4 boy who's broken bones. It's a sad thought and I just hope he gets the help he needs. Or would the services try and regulate him before any of this?

sorry for all the questions

He's been removed from everything he's ever known. If he was triggered by familiar people like you going to the house, he's probably even more dysregulated right now.

That sounds really hard for your sister and your niece. Sometimes parents can request care of their disabled / challenged children because behaviours have got too difficult for them and their capacity to parent doesn't match the child's needs. It's often not easy to get a definitive answer on causes and diagnoses can vary. But children can be cognitively able and have very challenging behaviours which are linked to neuro diversity in some form or other condition. The appropriate service would be CAMHS.
Often requesting a child be accommodated is an extremely difficult decision for a parent and it's taken in partnership with the local authority. This can include situations where parent carers are being assaulted or other siblings are. The children can be accommodated under section 20 which is by the agreement of the parent. In these cases the local authority doesn't have PR.
Dark things are available to kids nowadays it's scary what they can get access to. If he's any way obsessive that could exacerbate it.
Without knowing exactly what has occurred it's not a given that fault is being attributed. It's also not clear to me whether the local authority has acquired or maintained an order from court which gives them PR.. Some parents soldier on long after they have stopped being effective because they feel bound to. Some are extremely shamed to have been assaulted by their children and felt out of control, and this can prevent requesting help.
It's entirely your choice how involved you are. It's hopefully positive that his dad is involved. You did right to share the information.
I hope any other parents reading who might be struggling are able to share the problem and get help early

Obviously I don't know the details of what happened re your nephew. But he is clearly a troubled child with significant SEN and possibly MH issues.
It sounds like the environment your sister provided not only didn't meet his needs but caused escalation of the issues. I say this because his father said he hadn't witnessed any of the extreme behaviours during his weekends with his son.

In the right environment and with the right support, whatever that looks like, he may settle down again and become much better regulated.
You may feel able to re-establish some k8nd of contact at that point.if you wanted to, and if it was felt it might be helpful for him.

💐