Is this messy or normal?

[MessOrNotMess]

So the backstory here is that I have learnt to be very, very tidy due to ADHD and fear of overwhelm. I really struggle with clutter.

DH isn't awfully tidy, but equally not particularly messy. He generally works on the principle that if something messy of his is bothering me he'll deal with it as it's no big deal to him, and a stressor to me. So I know if I raise it, he'll 100% just tidy it, no question. He's a good egg.

However, I try very hard to own that this is a me problem and I can't always expect to control my environment and how people around me live. I try not to raise stuff til it's actually messy, rather than just not to my standard of completely clutter free.

This pile of clutter on DH's bedside table has been growing since Christmas. Ideally, I'd have the surface completely clear, nothing on the top at all. I was OK when it was one book, reading glasses and reading light. To me, the pile that's there now looks like a massive pile of clutter, it's bothering me a lot. I am, however, aware that I have a skewed perspective on this.

So, is this an absolute mess and DH should be asked to tidy up (YANBU) or a perfectly normal amount of stuff to have on a bedside table and I need to keep quiet (YABU)?

Behave

I don't even look at my DH's bedside table - that's his space and it can be as messy as he wants it to be. Shared spaces are a different matter - if this pile was on the kitchen table I wouldn't put up with it for a second.

I think you need to be careful you don’t start to cross the line into controlling him.

Yes, it’s untidy but it’s hardly an issue. It’s on his side and I wonder how you would respond if he said he found you being so tidy meant the house was too clinical and he needed you to change.

Normal.

Edited to add: but well done OP, it's good that you're asking and realise that you may be being unreasonable.

Are you sure it's ADHD you have and not OCD?
I don't mean that to come across nasty or anything but anyone I know with ADHD is actually inherently messy and generally Oblivious to the mess?

Anyway.. I think he could stack his pile of books neater but I wouldn't call that overly messy. You could say something simple like: are you finished with some of those books?

Normal 🤷🏻‍♀️ You should see mine. Until the other day when I was forced to tidy it because we had builders coming in, I had like a pile of about 30 empty paracetamol foil packs. I don’t like to put them in the upstairs bin because it’s small and fills up quickly, but I always have too much in my hands to carry them downstairs in the morning. I also have about 4 books, a glass of water, creams and things, more medicine, earplugs, probably my dc’s homework on any given day.

I know exactly where you are coming from so I understand why it bothers you but in the grand scheme of things, I think this is a very neat pile of clutter. I would really pick my battles so you don't start to annoy him the way clutter annoys you.

My DH has a large pile of books that he has been going to read for around 10 years on his bedside table. From time to time the pile falls over and he re-organises it.

Your DH's things are both messy and normal.
But it's his bedside table and his stuff. I know you say he is good at clearing stuff away so it doesn't bother you, and it's good that you realise that this is your issue, but I would think about what you are asking and the level of upset. If this was on the coffee table in the lounge, I think you would be justified in asking him to tidy it; not if it's on his bedside table.

Can you not frame it as "his stuff" to stop you being pre ocupied by it It isn't impacting you really is it ?

😂

This, it’s a small pile of books and a pill packet. I was expecting to see dirty cups, tissues, plates etc, total overspill to the floor!

I think that it's fine.

You say that your dh trys to keep up to your standards and will tidy his stuff if you ask him, so I really think that his side of the bed is none of your business.

You need to be really careful about how controlling you are. It's your husband's house too and he needs a bit of space to relax and have his stuff how he wants it even if it's only his little pile next to his bed.

If you have kids then the antacids should be away and out of sight. Otherwise I think it's OK.

That's tidy compared to my DH.
The thing is, it's his bedside. So, he can choose what's on it. I like things tidy, but I leave his stuff, his desk, his pile of clothes, the messy shelf in the bathroom. Because if he tried to dictate how I arrange my stuff I wouldn't like it.

Small pile of books thats all im seeing.

That's not clutter to me and im a minimalist clean freak.

I would hate it OP. A neat pile of paperbacks would be no problem but the messy pile, cables and packet would see me tidying it up. But I am VERY tidy.

Personally? I couldn’t bear it. It’d have to put away.

Where would you put it ?

I voted YABU because I don't think that photo is that bad. But if it causes you a problem - different matter.
If you straightened up the books and the medicine packet were popped into the top drawer would that be a reasonable compromise? Or just periodically go through the pile and put some books / magazines etc elsewhere. ( I mean he not you)

I think it was Le Corbusier who said "a house is a machine for living in". Which I take to mean it has to work for everyone living there. But people will have to make compromises along the way IME.

I voted YABU because I don't think that photo is that bad. But if it causes you a problem - different matter.
If you straightened up the books and the medicine packet were popped into the top drawer would that be a reasonable compromise? Or just periodically go through the pile and put some books / magazines etc elsewhere. ( I mean he not you)

I think it was Le Corbusier who said "a house is a machine for living in". Which I take to mean it has to work for everyone living there. But people will have to make compromises along the way IME.

That is nothing!!! I have a lamp, three books and a magazine (like choice when I go to bed!), hand lotion, face wipes, box of tissues, water bottle and alarm clock. Unless he is leaving a manky mug with mould from a 4 day old half finished cup of tea there, leave the poor bloke alone.

Exactly!

Maybe the top drawer of the bedside cabinet - so accessible but neater. But obviously I don't know the set up 😊

I'm extremely tidy and hate lots of clutter but I think that's fine.

You'd die of stress looking at mine. It has a stack of about ten books, my diary, a few snowdrops in a water glass, a bottle of lavender oil, my airpods, a pen, a postcard of a painting I like, a couple of hair elastics.