Do I end this based on hearsay.

[Emotionstorn]

Been dating my partner since August. He has a child from a previous relationship but have no plans to introduce children until later.

He has told me him and his ex had quite a stormy breakup. Arguing etc and she told his friends and family that he hit her.

He denies this completely. Has sworn on the life of his child he has never done that.
I have experienced DV historically and I don’t know whether to walk away based on this or not.
There are no red flags or anything that I have seen myself

i just don’t know what to do

I know someone who’s ex falsely accused him of DV as part of a malicious attempt to screw his new relationship.

However I think that is unusual.

It is far more common for an actual abuser to start manipulating you first before you hear anything about him.

Can you get in touch with the ex and speak to her? Maybe she’ll turn out to be totally unhinged…or maybe she’ll be completely credible

This is a very dangerous mindset assuming guilt of someone when you have no facts - google these names and come back and tell me how that mindset helps you sleep better at night:
Eleanor Williams
Jemma Beale
Chloe May
Sophie James
Fleur Smith
Nadine Milroy-Sloane
Angela Uramova
Gail Sherwood
Layla Ibrahim
Ayushi Bhatia

The other mindset is the dangerous one.

well said - my Ex swore on the lives of our 3 kids that he wasn't having an affair - he was...for at least 5yrs. They will say anything.

Just be very careful and deffo use Claires Law

assuming someone is guilty just because someone said they are and they happen to be a woman? okay

good on you

No, but that wasn't the point made?

Be aware that Claire's law doesn't cover a lot of possible aspects. My ex has had social work safeguarding and police involvement for DV. Two MARAC referrals (high risk DV). I gather none of this would show up on a Claire's law request because I didn't press charges due to feeling there wouldn't be enough evidence.

What is the situation with his childen? Does he have contact? Is there court involvement?

Read up about love bombing just in case this is an issue.

Honestly this. True = run for your life. Not true = that's a bag of shitty drama involving the mother of his child and therefore you can never get away from it. I am in a 30-year old relationship and can honestly say I had no idea how much of all the other people in his life would become so enmeshed in my own life. You are never just having a relationship with one person. This is too much. Get away.

I would not throw an otherwise good relationship away on the basis of hearsay. The world is unfortunately full of people who fling untrue accusations around - I have seen it at first hand. On the other hand, of course DV exists. With your partner, just keep an eye out for red flags and don't be afraid to walk away if they appear. Pay particular attention to how he deals with conflict and disagreements.

It's typical of abusers to insist that that things never happened. My abuser either did that or reengineered the story into an accident. On the other hand, it is unheard of either for people to spread malicious gossip.

I could tell by ny ex's behaviour whether his actions were accidental or deliberate. When it was an accident, be apologised straight away and asked me if I was OK. When it was deliberate, he didn't say anything, even if I said he had hurt me.

OP, nobody is going to be able to tell you one way or the other. Do you know anyone who knows his ex? If so, could you ask them what she's like so you can get an idea or whether it's likely to be the truth or not.

it does show on clares law even if you don't press charges, as long as police were called and are aware about any of it, it will.

My ex refused to leave my house when she was drunk and punched me, she left before police came but it shows on clares law now

I agree with the Claire's Law application. However, it's not a definitive answer...it can mean that the police have never been involved. It doesn't mean he hasn't been violent or controlling etc towards a woman, just that he's never been reported.

At this moment in time, you don't know what is true and what isn't. Does he see his child? Yes, there are some nasty vindictive women out there, who tell lies. Equally there are some bloody awful men out there who do horrendous things to women.

I would be wary in all honesty. Most men who abuse women can't keep up a facade long-term, the mask slips at some point. Small things to start with, and it then escalates.

My opinion is that despite his protests, I suspect there's truth in what he's denying.

It's the point of the discussion. It is the point being made by someone who responds to an OP asking if she should continue this relationship by telling her stories of the rare women who lied, as if we don't know that happens, as if that isn't exactly what OP is struggling with.

Despite what some posters are saying, we are all aware that some women lie about abuse, though most don't. And no woman has to prove herself by dating a man when the risk/reward ratio is in the gutter. He swears on his child's life too, that's a dumpable offence even if he is the only person in the world to do that when telling the truth.

Give him a chance i say, but watch for the slightest hint. Tell him you will never tolerate any violence in any way, shape or form including verbally.
When my ExW and me divorced due to her cheating, she told her friends I used to hit her. It was 100% a lie but caused me issues locally for a while as they believed her. It's very, very hurtful to be wrongly accused. I never found out why she said it and it still bothers me some 20+ yrs later. I never shout, let alone hit women.
Anyway, look at Claire's law and if it shows him walk away and don't look back 🙏

I'm not trying to get at you but this line of logic always confuses me. Why is it more likely that both people are telling a bit of a lie than one person is lying and one person is telling the truth?

It always feels like something people say either (1) to soothe themselves from the uncomfortable truth that you'll never really know or (2) to save the bother of actually weighing up the evidence to decide who to believe or (3) having the uncomfortable realisation that one person is actually 'bad' and has abused an innocent party (because it that's true then either you have to face the the fact you didn't see it / that one party you maybe liked is 'bad' and has done something awful / that if it can happen to an 'innocent' party then it's something that could happen to you too)?

Happy to be corrected if there's an actual reason for thinking this that I'm not getting!

Has sworn on the life of his child he has never done that.

In which case he’s a mawkish, weird liar.

A friend's son has an ex. She's threatened to tell everyone he hit her, she's also threatened to tell the police he's molested the kids, Etc. Luckily he's recorded these threats. His solicitor has copies. Roll on the decree nisi. And she wanted the divorce.

It's hard to advise the OP except to protect yourself in case.

Agreed. It's the kind of thing a liar would say.

This!

Myth #12: Women often lie about abuse.
Reality: False allegations about domestic abuse are extremely rare (CPS, 2022). This myth is extremely damaging, because the fear of not being believed can and does deter women from reporting the abuse they have experienced.

It is integral that all levels of society are aware of the reality and impact of domestic abuse because much of domestic abuse goes unreported. Research demonstrates a lack of understanding about the complexities of domestic abuse by professionals in the criminal justice system, accompanied by inconsistent responses where some women are believed over others, leaving many unable to access justice. Evidence suggests that less than 1 in 5 survivors feeling able to report their experience to the police.

From Women’s Aid website.

Also, the poster who posted 10 names of women who lied might want to check out the femicide census website which lists the names of all women murdered by a man between 2009 and 2022. That’s just those who are killed mind, not the thousands of women subjected to domestic violence everyday in this country who haven’t been murdered. Yet.

Swearing on the life of a child is utterly meaningless unless he believes an angry God might punish a lie with a bolt of lightning, so ignore that tactic completely. I’d be more persuaded by a man who encouraged me to speak to his friends and family, or to do all the checking and investigated I wanted. He could be truthful, but the second you see a single red flag in his behaviour - insults, threats, clenched fists - you need to be ready to walk away.

Yep!

The stormy breakup would be a red flag for with or without the hitting allegation.

But they never do until they think you are overcommitted. Disclosure of things like earlier accusations of DV is one of the classic ways abusers test your boundaries to see whether you will brush past doubt. Along with statements lie “my father was a cheater so I never would!” “My father was an abuser so I never would.” The specific claim here (a false accusation) is meant to get OP on his side “I am the victim here” but it also immunizes him against OP hearing that he has bearen his previous oartner. After all he has honestly disclosed the “facts” so she can’t complain now.

its the reddest of red flags.

He’s just trying to get in ahead in case you hear that he hit her. I would say the probability is that he hit her. I’m not saying it couldn’t be a mistake but given the sheer number of DV incidents in the UK it seems far likelier that he did it, and if you’ve been a victim of DV in the past you’re probably at more risk of a man who’s potentially hit a woman before. In your place I’d be erring on the side of caution and letting it fizzle out.