Do I end this based on hearsay.

[Emotionstorn]

Been dating my partner since August. He has a child from a previous relationship but have no plans to introduce children until later.

He has told me him and his ex had quite a stormy breakup. Arguing etc and she told his friends and family that he hit her.

He denies this completely. Has sworn on the life of his child he has never done that.
I have experienced DV historically and I don’t know whether to walk away based on this or not.
There are no red flags or anything that I have seen myself

i just don’t know what to do

'Has sworn on the life of his child he has never done that.'

Oh well in that case. 😕

I’ve been in an abusive relationship. My ex used to tell me all sorts of shit and get his version of events in there first so that when the truth came out, I never believed it. Because I’d already heard my ex’s version. There’s a reason why most women will say that their ex has hit them. It very rarely has anything to do with them being malicious. Obviously that can happen and his ex could be a complete psycho that makes up stories but I’d say it’s rare. I’d be inclined to take what he’s told op at face value

He's only told you in case a friend/family member mentions it...getting in there first.

I'd walk

When you’ve been in a DV relationship, it can be very difficult to spot and assess red flags.

Having a stormy and argumentative relationship would be a red flag for me. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t communicate with shouting and arguing.

Is there any possibility of contacting her privately to express your concerns. There are always 2 sides to every story. At least if you have the opportunity to speak to her, or better still meet with her for a coffee, you could assess the situation for yourself then decide what to do.

Agreed - it's manipulative and unnecessarily dramatic so aside from the possibility of DV, that's a red flag too.

This. I mean absolutely zero disrespect to you OP, but you just are at a higher risk than women who have not experienced DA. It might be that your previous relationship has skewed what you can see as a red flag, and almost every abuser starts off acting like a saint.

Oh, and it's not hearsay. It's him, he's telling you who he is.

If it were me I'd find an innocent looking excuse and end the relationship. I simply don't believe that there are very many women who would like about being hit, but I do believe that there are many men who have hit women and fancy getting their excuses in early. I put it in the same category as "My ex is a psycho." Yeah, no. Bye boi.

This. Mature people wouldn’t do this. It’s a way of manipulating you into believing him and would make me think he actually did hit his ex.

Yeah I think given you’ve experienced this before I’d be very wary and call it a day. They don’t sound like a nice couple of people to have in your life…/explosive arguments and the possibility of domestic abuse. It takes two to tango so i would keep away he sounds toxic. Maybe get some therapy to make sure your boundaries and confidence are up too before entering into a relationship

"Has sworn on the life of his child he has never done that."

Massive red flag - I wouldn't believe a word spoken by any man who would swear anything on the life of his child. Its puire emotional manipulation as these people think others believe "no one could possibly swear on the life of their child and not mean it".

Its a gift for the manipulative to use against the gullible.

If you decide to proceed do so with extreme caution.

Just tread very careful.
I will tell you from experience though doing Claires law and police checks is ok but it won't necessarily give you the truth.
My ex wife abused me for me many years. It was mainly financial but in 2016 she did give me a beating.

She then persuaded me not to report it as she is a secondary school teacher and claimed she would lose her job. Obviously I feel stupid for not reporting it at the time and running but I've learnt lessons and we did eventually divorce.
I am free and will always have the photograph as evidence. Can you have an honest conversation with his ex wife?

What on earth would be the point of that? Dragging the poor woman into it and possibly scaring the life out of her?

I think we can be sure he wouldn't say she'd accused him if she hadn't, literally no conceivable reason for that, so if she tells you anything, she'll say it's true. But you might be pressured by people who want you to risk your safety to prove you're a good person who doesn't think all women are perfect angels or whatever crap it is.

You can be pretty sure she's made the accusation. He's not entitled to a relationship and he's done the worst thing possible to try to convince you it's not true. Don't start doing private investigations yourself, just get out of there. You've been dating five months, my Botox lasts longer than that.

The reality is you will never know for sure if it's true, will you?

But it's a ticking time bomb that could go off at any time.

Many manipulators reveal the truth early on but wrap it in a plausible denial. it's actually very common for con men to do this. It's known as 'Strategic truth-telling with plausible deniability'.

It's a really effective way of manipulating someone because it It neutralises accountability, it corrupts evidence (“They admitted it, but not really”), it destabilises victims’ confidence and it allows the con artist to claim moral and emotional superiority.

Look how many people on this thread are saying 'well he wouldn't tell you if he had, so he must be telling the truth'. That is exactly the kind of gullibility that's relied on.

Plus swearing on your kids lives is just wrong.

I think this is sensible. If anyone was to do this and be found to be lying it would show not only utter contempt for their children (whether they were superstitious or not) but also be the ultimate indication that they are not trustworthy as it’s the biggest plea for trust which they are deliberately abusing.

If they are capable of saying this they are capable of any dishonesty as they do not feel basic moral rules apply to them, but are willing to use them to manipulate others who do follow them.

He has told me him and his ex had quite a stormy breakup

We all know what this means.

Yes. What a very weird lever to pull.

Yep, me too.

Me three.

It's a big red flag he's lying. If you haven't done something then you haven't done it. You dont need to swear on anything if its the truth because it stands as fact.

Trying to reinforce your worthiness by swearing on your children's lives indicates a grandiosity and over the topness that you would only require if you were in fact...lying.

This. Immature and meaningless gesture. I’d be off.

I don't think it's meaningless. I think it means he's lying.

It definitely means he's a shit of some description.

Why wouldn't you end it?

The ex says she hit him. If she's not telling the truth, then all you've lost is someone you've been dating a few months. If she is, then theres the chance you could lose your life.

Surely its a no brainer?

Men lie more about violence than women. In the same way that rape allegations are tiny in relation to actual rape/sexual assault.

You're a DV survivor. Why risk it?

Proceed with caution but yes some women lie.
I know of a case where the woman was an abuser and reversed the whole situation to anyone she met and got her story out first even though her arrest record and police reports showed the opposite.

I would be doing a lot of digging into his socials etc. Don't let it lie.

you don’t actually know this person - he’s not a partner you don’t live with him and have barely seen him!!! You’ve been long distance dating a man who turns out is an abusive areehole so count yourself lucky he did this at the start before you moved in with him or whatever! Anyone who uses a metal bar to beat someone else ho is not doing it to “protect” themselves! He caused the whole thing as if he’d just walked past the bloke igniting him originally and gone to the shop and him then none of this would have happened!