Do I end this based on hearsay.

[Emotionstorn]

Been dating my partner since August. He has a child from a previous relationship but have no plans to introduce children until later.

He has told me him and his ex had quite a stormy breakup. Arguing etc and she told his friends and family that he hit her.

He denies this completely. Has sworn on the life of his child he has never done that.
I have experienced DV historically and I don’t know whether to walk away based on this or not.
There are no red flags or anything that I have seen myself

i just don’t know what to do

This

Do a Claire’s law application

but just for balance an ex of mine was in a relationship previously with someone who made a number of extremely serious allegations against him, there was slightly more context than I can provide here, however in summary I believed him and he never showed any aggression or violence towards me throughout our 6 year relationship (turns out he was a knob and things ended anyway, but definitely not a violent knob)

What, somewhere between he hit her and didn't hit her? What on earth does that mean?

This is the fallacy of moderation. The truth is not always between two sides. If Alex says the daytime sky is blue and John says the daytime sky is red, it does not follow that the daytime sky is purple. Alex is right, John is wrong.

To be honest if he did hit her, I don't see why he'd raise the subject at all. Like why put that seed of doubt in your mind if he knows that's really what he's like. He'd just say they had a bad relationship. Or maybe even allege DV from her side.

Though I guess he might think it will come out and he needs to cover his arse before you hear it from others?

I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt. But be on alert for anything remotely dodgy.

It does happen that people try and smear their ex's name and saying that is obviously going to be ruinous so it's not unheard of to exaggerate or lie about it. Though it's more often sadly the truth.

Run.

Agree seems the only people that do it are the one’s lying. Never sworn on the life of anyone ever.

Adding my voice to those recommending a Claire's Law disclosure request.

He told you because he knows he's going to hear it from someone else and he wanted to get in first. He's lying.

Believe women when they tell you things about men.

Get out, you've been with him a few months, he has yet to show you who he is. It's not worth the risk.

Quite, I have never done this and never would
It smacks of over the top desperation to be believed when its actually lies
I am not sating definitely dump him but be very cautious

My ex husband was physically and emotionally abusive during the last few years of our 20 year marriage and this is exactly what he says.

Swears on the kids’ lives none of it happened, he even denies it to the (now adult) kids, even though they were there and sadly aware! They know he’s lying but the constant cycle of gf don’t.

Yes, run.

I am not sating definitely dump him

I am.

Even a Clare's law request won't uncover anything if there was never a conviction and even if it's true, there probably isn't because there usually isn't, even when it happened.

Plus swearing on his child's life. Horrible man, probably lying.

Agree with others but also if the Claire’s law application comes back clear don’t assume all is ok
just means the police weren’t involved

So all woman should be believed no matter what! I've known some really vindictive horrible lies to come from the mouth of woman especially ones when the ex has a new partner. Don't end your relationship based on what some random strangers on the Internet say or the word of hearsay. I'd proceed with caution and come to your own judgements. However what I would be is cautious of drama moving forward

Just beware.

He isn't gonna admit it and kindly meant, you've obviously missed red flags in the past. So I just mean, so you feel that you might miss some signs others would see? Have you're friends met him?

Just be careful.

I was with a guy who had the police called on his by his ex gf. He swore he did nothing when I asked for details. As the months and years went by, it turns out he did hit her, but in 'self defence' so he didn't count it. Eventually, during arguments, he ended up hitting me. Then claimed it was because of x, y, z. There was always a reason why it was justified.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's all subjective. Ask an abuser if he or she is an abuser, they'll say no, as in their heads it's everyone else's fault.

Re Claire's Law, I dislike the questions asked. One of them, understandably so, asks if children live with you. That worries me, because if person X turns out to have a record, and you're dating them, will ss be called automatically?

Has sworn on the life of his child he has never done that.

Annnndddd it's a no from me....

As others flagged... No one, but no one, decent goes around spouting this shite for a variety of reasons.

As someone who grew up in low level domestic violence.... I wouldn't be interested.

I would not take the risk for myself and I wouldn't want to risk of exposing my children to a low-calibre man with anger issues....

If you insist on staying in the relationship do clares law....

Has he given any sort of explanation as to how things went from him being a great supportive partner and parent, to his ex hating him enough to tell such a damaging outright lie based on absolutely nothing whatsoever at all? Because it's quite a journey, isn't it? From blameless to being accused of DV? What would be her motivation?

The mere fact that he felt it necessary to swear on his children's lives shows he is lying imo. Any person accused of doing something they hadn't done wouldn't need to go to such extremeties but would instead be content with the knowledge that they are innocent and a simple declaration of such would do. I'd say by his reaction is that he is lying and is used to being accused of stuff, hence his dramatic, far fetched reaction.

I've known some really vindictive horrible lies to come from the mouth of woman

I really don't care. Women's safety matters more than a man's desire. There's been an allegation, statistically it is likely to be true, and he's done a horrible thing that makes him highly untrustworthy to try to damp it down. He's a risk and OP's safety is the priority, not your complaints about womankind.

This.
Swearing on his kids lives - 🚩
His ex was ‘crazy’ (or a variation thereof) - 🚩
Saying his ex used to hit him - ime 🚩

In my experience, it’s nearly always them trying to get ahead of you hearing that he used to hit his ex, because then he can say ‘well yes I told you what actually happened, I was honest and upfront, she’s lying because she is covering her own back’ etc.

Of course he hit her and he is going to hit you.

It’s a manipulation tactic - getting his side of the story in there first so op won’t believe the the ex’s side or anyone else who may try to warn op about him in the future. It’s very common for abusers to do this. Just because he’s told her ‘his’ version, doesn’t mean he’s being genuine or truthful!

Op I’d take what he has said very seriously. You have only been seeing him since August so the relationship is still new and he will be on his best behaviour. Abusive behaviour happens very gradual over months, even years.
As a pp has suggested, do a Claire’s Law and see if anything comes to light. Women don’t just go around accusing their exes of hitting them for no reason (or at least it’s very rare).
Has he mentioned anything about his ex being ‘crazy’ or something similar or blames her for everything? If he has then that would be a red flag right there.

You may not feel he is displaying any red flags but sometimes it’s difficult to see them, especially in the first few months of a relationship as the red flags may not start to show until later on.

Oh dear no.

You could be right. It is really difficult to say. I guess I'm thinking how an innocent person would. And if he's not he'll have a whole spiel ready to try and cover his back.

Swearing on the life of your child is a red flag.