Unnecessary altercation? Dog-walking incident

[BetterWithPockets]

I was walking my dog in the park yesterday when a pug ran over to me and jumped up, getting mud all over my — relatively smart, clean-on-that-morning — jeans. (For reference, yes, the park itself was muddy but — until that point — my jeans weren’t because I was wearing walking boots, and being careful where I walked.)

I complained to the owner, and our exchange went broadly as follows (it’s not verbatim because I can’t remember it word for word — but hopefully you get the gist).

me: your dog just jumped up at me with muddy paws.
her: oh, right.
me (taken aback): it would be normal to apologise at least.
her: it’s not my fault; that’s just what dogs do; I can’t control what my dog does.
me: you can’t control your dog? You don’t think that’s a problem?
her: it’s your fault; you’re inappropriately dressed; you should wear old clothes to walk your dog, like everyone else.
me: it’s my fault your dog jumped up at me?
The conversation carried on in this vein for about another 30 seconds, then she called me a weird woman and we went our separate ways…

Now, I’m pretty sure she was in the wrong/BU, but here’s my AIBU: given that the damage was already done, so to speak, should I have just kept quiet rather than saying anything?

There’s a saying that sometimes it’s better to be kind than right. Swap kind for quiet, and perhaps that’s what I should have done in this instance — rather than doing what she probably saw as me having a go at her (am trying to put myself in her shoes here!). I mean, what was I hoping to achieve? The most I was ever going to get was an apology so, really, what was the point of saying something?

So, was I BU to speak up?
Yes, you should have kept your trap shut: it’s just mud/there was nothing to be gained from saying anything/you effectively picked a fight and she just gave as good as she got, so let that be a lesson to you…
No: she was being an irresponsible dog owner and it’s good you called her out on it.

Am genuinely undecided as to whether or not I was BU, so interested to hear both sides!

I was livid when a muddy, out of control spaniel jumped all over me leaving paw prints all over my light coloured coat. As with you, it was my fault for wearing the coat apparently.

Some owners are just awful.

I have this happen sometimes. It doesn't bother me BUT owners always apologise which it's normal to do

Next time fix her with a stern glare and say 'you've got 10 seconds to get that thing off me before I grab it by the collar and twist until it goes blue'.

I think you just wanted an apology and I think that was very reasonable of you. Even if your jeans weren't muddy, she should have apologised for the dog jumping up at you. However, you can't control other people, only yourself, so if you think you would be feeling better about it now, maybe you should have kept quiet. For your own sake. But she was 100% in the wrong and the weird one. Nothing for you to feel bad about.

I think that if she didn't understand that it was appropriate to apologise profusely, there was no point saying anything. You were annoyed and you were hoping that the appropriate response from her would remove the annoyance. So you kept trying to elicit the correct response and ended up becoming more annoyed. I'm saying this as someone who's been in this situation many times.

Some people just can never admit they're in the wrong or they're the opposite of people pleasers and don't feel the urge to smooth over social situations. It could be risky too if it's a man you're dealing with.

Yes the world would be a much better place if we all spoke to each other like this.

This gives me flashbacks to being out with a v muddy DDog when she was much younger and totally out of the blue she jumped up on a lady walking her dog wearing CREAM leggings. I was mortified 🫣🫣🫣 I apologised profusely and she was very nice about it! I still think about it sometimes and it was 10 years ago!

She was completely in the wrong but, here's the thing: the fact that she didn't immediately apologise to you tells you all you need to know. The question is really, was it worth your time and energy engaging with her about it? Probably not but, maybe she will take something away which makes her think??

(I'm also a dog lover.)

Of course you're not being unreasonable. She's a poor dog owner who has no control over her off lead animal. Sadly, there's an increased number of them around.

I would have apologised to you if it had been me.

I have a dog.
He is large (think golden retriever) and scared of other dogs. After years of training, I can get him to sit quietly to one side off the path (quite a way off the path) when another dog passes. If the dog runs up to him he will react and start loudly barking and jumping.

We often find ourselves in a situation where an off lead dog runs up. I back up and call out - please call your dog, my dog is not friendly etc.

I find dog owners fall into 2 categories

1. Oh I'm so sorry, runs, up grabs dog, puts them on lead and apologises again and we exchange cheerful wave.
2. My dog is friendly, he isn't doing any harm, he just wants to say hello, he is really old and deaf, etc etc, all while not actually making any attempt to get their dog. I have no patience for these dog owners and say firmly and loudly - if your dog will not come when you call it, it should be on a lead. It is not fair on MY dog that your dog runs up and scares it.

Same goes for letting your dog jump up, approach small children, generally be a pain. If your dog is not under your control it should be on a lead.

😂

She was unreasonable and rude but you were argumentative too

and the very worst owners for thinking that they don't need to have their dog under control because it is so cute and friendly?

The owners of small dogs.

I have a dog who has to be kept on a lead in public because he is a rescue and unlikely ever to be trained to have full recall and not jump up at people/dogs etc. He is also quite nervous and hates it when other dogs come in to his personal space. We have had many incidents with smaller, off lead dogs running up to us and jumping at one or both of us which usually results on him barking. There is rarely an apology from the owner and I've found that if I question the owner I they are always adamant that they are in the right and my dog is the problem so I don't bother any more and just get away muttering passive aggressive and sometimes sweary comments A certain sort of dog owner seems to think that it's their dog's right to roam off-lead even if they are not well trained and regardless of the impact on anyone else. I have even been told that my dog is the problem (for barking loudly) when we have been actively trying to get away from their yapping dog who was chasing after us. I'm pretty sure they're the same dog owners responsible for dog mess left lying all over the place.

Any dog that jumps up people should be kept on a lead. It really is that simple. I don't care how good their recall is, it's completely unacceptable to have your dog jumping on anyone.

I live next to a beautiful park but never go in because I'm terrified of dogs who are not on leads. I've had a dog and like dogs but the thought of one running at me and jumping up is enough to give me a panic attack . She was in the wrong not to say sorry and also to not have control of her dog .

This happened to me while I was accompanying a friend with her dog (I’m not a dog owner). It was in our local playing fields, not a dedicated dog park, and we were on the pathway, nowhere near the mud, so I think I had a reasonable expectation of not getting muddy. It was a large dog that jumped up at me, so I had mud all over my trousers and my dry-clean-only coat, and a pull on the side of my coat from its claws. I was actually quite upset, but the woman who owned the dog laughed as if she expected me to laugh too, and then sneered at me and walked off when I said it wasn’t funny.

Some dog owners really are deeply antisocial and seem to think they own all public spaces. Maybe there should be socialisation classes for owners alongside their puppies.

Some dogs do jump up, and she should have immediately apologised.

My friend's spaniel used to do it but eventually learned not to. My friend always apologised if I got the muddy paw treatment.

My dog knocked someone clean over one time, obviously potentially much more serious. The woman was fine, but I never let the dog get into the position where it could happen again.

There's no telling some people. The typical response is "oh but s/he is friendly / won't hurt you". Yes, your dog may be friendly but am I? That's the question they should be concerned with. If they're allowing their dog to jump up at people then they're taking their chances.

I would have probably responded in a similar way but perhaps a less confrontational approach might have stood a chance of getting through.

She was BU by having her dog out of control and by insisting she shouldn't have to control her dog/believing she cannot control her dog. She can, she could put the time in to train her dog or she could use a lead.

However I would probably internally roll my eyes at you walking in the park, in winter, in the wet, with a dog, and expecting not to get mud somewhere, because dogs + wet + park = mud, its an inevitability really. However that would stay internal because its your choice!

I did once have someone scream (yes, actually, high pitched and blood curdling) at me in the park when my dog got mud on her...

On her cream full length coat.

Because she came way off the path, into the mud, by the river, to stand next to my dog who had just got himself out of the river and rolled in something vile... and he shook, as dogs do. She had a small long coated dog with her, so I was really quite surprised that dog + wet + mud = filth everywhere was brand new news to her.

I still apologised, even though frankly it was entirely her fault, mostly because I wanted the horrendous noise to stop (so did all the dogs). She just kept on repeating that it was cashmere. I couldn't pick out the rest of the words, someone else came over (with their equally muddy wet dogs who were also shaking off a lot) to find out who was being murdered.

It was a baffling scenario and we all just walked off in the end, or tried to, because her dog, having been lured into the river by mine and then shown the delights of a muddy puddle, wanted to stay with us and I had to return him twice. Then her rant changed from her coat to the state of her dog.

I very much suspect that was the last fun walk her dog ever had.

That always pisses me off. "Don't worry, he's friendly!"

1. Why would I trust a dickhead who either can't be bothered to train their dog, or isn't bright enough to?
2. I'm not friendly. Take it away.

I had a dog who tended to jump up on people. So consequently I never let him off the lead unless no one else was around or I knew the people who were and they wouldn’t mind.
Of course if this woman can’t control her dog it shouldn’t be off the lead. A pug is still big enough to knock over a toddler - what would she have said then?
Though I do think you’re a fool to go to a muddy park and expect to get out mud free.

Absolutely this
A bouncy puppy jumped up at me while I was wearing my white coat the other day. Yes it was annoying, but it was totally my fault for wearing the coat on a muddy field. I should have worn my scruffy one for dog walks.
Don't wear posh clothes on dog walks!

I occasionally walk our dog with DH when I get home from work and am wearing nice clothes. It’s lovely when friends dogs try to jump up at me for affection (if they are normally like that with me) and even lovelier when the owners stop them because they realise I’m not in my normal practical attire, but I wouldn’t tolerate anything less than an abject apology if a complete stranger’s dog jumped up at me! So you are definitely not being unreasonable…