AIBU about another parent saying my kid has learning difficulties

[Buyer97462]

Hi

My daughter who is 7 has a best friend. Said best friend came to our house after school today and said his Dad had said she has learning difficulties (I don't know the context of the conversation). Daughter is autistic and slightly ADHD but doesn't have any learning difficulties.

Am I unreasonable to be upset by this? I am hopefully not upsetting parents of children with learning difficulties but my child is perfectly capable they just struggle socially. It's particularly upsetting as she has a very small circle of friends and I do worry this kind of impression will make relationships harder.

Apologies I am not saying there is anything wrong with having learning difficulties and probably not putting this across very well.

Am I being unreasonable at being a it upset?
Edited for typo

YABU. Happy to help.

?? Don’t understand this contribution at all.

Having your child labelled by another adult can’t be pleasant. Is there any chance your child misinterpreted what was said? How does your child feel about it? There’s a lot of misconception surrounding ND, ADHD etc have a chat with your child about how to handle future comments.

When I read your OP I thought the friend said her dad had said that she herself had learning difficulties.

I changed my vote to YANBU.

I do apologise maybe you are right

To be honest they brushed it off so maybe it's me. I just don't like the idea of someone who is nice to our face labelling our child incorrectly behind our back but maybe I am being to sensitive

I’m the parent of an autistic child. It is disabling for my child even though they don’t have learning difficulties in the traditional sense in a way their struggles with taking things literally can make it hard educationally in some circumstances. Overal I think it’s probably a parent trying to explain your child’s differences (most likely when asked by this little girl) and not quite getting the terminology right. These things can sting but I think it’s a case of letting the sting fade and remembering this dad very likely means well.

I thought ADHD did come under the umbrella of learning difficulties as it causes an inability to focus at times, so if she can't focus she can't learn as effectively.

Either way, I think as someone else has said the dad was just using it as a simplified way to explain to his son, that your daughter is slightly different in ways.

Maybe they thought it easier to say than autistic/adhd. And she does have learning difficulties when it comes to social behaviour right? Not all is academic. I'm saying this as a mum of DS16 who's autistic and can't support being labelled autistic and prefers learning disabilities (but he's also struggling acadrmically which makes it true overall).

Do you know the context @Buyer97462? Perhaps this was the parents very clumsy way of talking to their child about differences. My son is very good friends with a child who is autistic. When he was younger he would ask me about certain behaviour that he saw as different to the majority of his peers and I would explain how this was due to his neurodiversity. Maybe the parent just doesn’t have the right vocabulary to explain?

The dad is trying to use generalist language that his daughter will understand. Trying to explain the nuance of the autism spectrum is not realistic at that age. Social difficulties can absolutely affect learning outcomes. You are being too sensitive.

It might be worth reflecting on why you are reacting as if saying someone has learning difficulties is an insult...

Is the father American, by any chance? Over here, “learning disabilities” or “learning difficulties” are things like dyslexia or ADHD, whereas in the UK you seem to use “has learning difficulties” to mean a low IQ.

Dyslexia is categorised as a specific learning disability. I would be surprised is Au and ADHD weren’t similarly. I suspect that was what he meant.

I think he was just trying to explain some of your DD’s behaviour that may have been confusing to their daughter. Honestly I can see why you are hurt but it doesn’t sound like it came from a bad place, they are obviously happy for the girls to be friends and have yours in their home. I doubt it was judgemental, more putting it in language that makes sense to a 7yr old. It’s not how I would have approached it, I would have explained it as a difference but don’t let this leave a bad taste in your mouth.

OP said she felt upset not insulted, it’s not the same. It’s fine to feel upset if someone has described your child as being disadvantaged in some way. Life can be hard for those with learning difficulties, and most people, regardless of how they manage those difficulties would rather their child had an easier path through life.

If he is not a medical professional then he has no right to make such statements.

OP, I wonder if you were getting mixed up between learning difficulties and learning disability? A learning disability is something like Down syndrome, where a person's overall ability to understand and learn things is affected. A learning difficulty is usually a problem in one specific area, but overall abilities are not generally affected, so someone might have dyslexia and struggle with reading, or struggle with concentration and short term memory due to ADHD, but they could still be average or above average in ability in other areas.

Oh FFS, it's not exactly a compliment is it? I would be highly insulted if anyone thought I (or my child) had learning difficulties (when we don't).

I wonder if your daughter does have special educational needs? Perhaps he was using learning difficulty in place of SEN ? He may not have meant this as an insult just to explain differences/ challenges to a child.

The father ain’t know your daughters full medical history and diagnosis. What they do know they may not understand or be ignorant of. They’ve just generalised it, using poor language. It says more about them than your daughter.

I can understand why you feel upset for her to be labelled as learning difficulties is often used in a negative way rather than simply describing a difference. Though I agree with others it’s likely a clumsy use of language or trying to simplify things for his child.

I do think autism can sometimes seem like a grey area as I’ve not heard it referred to as a learning difficulty but know it is classed as a disability? Some of that might present in how the person takes on and processes information so I can see how it can be conflated with learning and potentially be seen as a learning disability/ learning difficulty. I think adhd IS classed as a learning difficulty and they’re often grouped under the neurodivergent umbrella together which could also cause confusion.

I don’t see why a 7 year old needs be told anything about their friend like that unless there had been an incident that had upset them.

Realistically not everyone is going to keep up with the terminology of these things. It's unlikely that this person was deliberately trying to be mean.

It sounds like he was trying to explain their differences and just picked the wrong term rather than it being meant as a bad thing or an insult

As the parent of a severely autistic son with severe learning disabilities, its not exactly a positive.