AIBU about another parent saying my kid has learning difficulties

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Hi

My daughter who is 7 has a best friend. Said best friend came to our house after school today and said his Dad had said she has learning difficulties (I don't know the context of the conversation). Daughter is autistic and slightly ADHD but doesn't have any learning difficulties.

Am I unreasonable to be upset by this? I am hopefully not upsetting parents of children with learning difficulties but my child is perfectly capable they just struggle socially. It's particularly upsetting as she has a very small circle of friends and I do worry this kind of impression will make relationships harder.

Apologies I am not saying there is anything wrong with having learning difficulties and probably not putting this across very well.

Am I being unreasonable at being a it upset?
Edited for typo

YABU they are trying to be polite and general whilst still clear. What term would you prefer? It's not polite to give out specific medical conditions without permission and they may have forgotten the details or felt their child wouldn't understand. There are lots of children at my children's school with SEND. I don't know their diagnoses and wouldnt say if I did. When my children ask why they do certain things or complain about something they've done I would use a term like this, you have to be kinder, more tolerant because they have learning difficulties, they find it harder to learn in some way. It doesn't necessarily mean academically, maybe they struggle to learn how to follow the rules, how to behave socially. If he has needed to talk about it I would guess something happened that needed explaining and it's hard to find the right words as a parent without offending someone. My DD does have a learning difficulty as do I so maybe I'm more comfortable with the term but I can't see anything wrong with it.

I sometimes think that people who have these things in their lives and do a lot of research and deep diving can have unrealistic expectations of others. Most people focus most of their energy on the things that affect them. They aren't going to be motivated to "educate themselves" on something else unless it's something they find interesting.

I have adult sons with autism/ADHD and would describe them as having "learning difficulties". That was the correct term when they were young and used by teachers/doctors, so to them and us, it is not at all offensive.

They are pretty much the same thing, using learning difficulties sounds harsher.
My DS is a smart intelligent child with severe processing issues. His teacher said he doesn’t automatically know what page they are on, she has told him a 100 times, to look at pages his friends are on, he still needs to be told separately what page they’re looking at, as he’ll be sitting book closed while others have started, he needs a push.

Geniune question as my kids arent in school yet: if its not called learning difficulties now what is it called?

My understanding is/ was that phrase is fine
... with ADHD an and autism learning is harder. Statistically children with adhd have lower academic performance.
Hence the extra help / support and allowance your child (rightly) receives.
It doesnt mean they have low low IQ its just harder.

Given my understanding (which based on this thread im learning is wrong?)
I consider(ed) learning difficulties factual / neutral as a phrase.
Why/ How is it incorrect?
(Again legit, geniune question)

I'm asking so i have the right terminology and dont upset / offend

It’s only recently that ADHD has been seen as something academic people can have. It’s also estimated something like 90% of prisoners have ADHD, and the overlap with LD is huge.

My daughter is about three years behind, hasn’t yet been assessed as having ADHD on the NHS, but school treat her as such and she has an EHCP. Her ADHD absolutely is a learning disability, she cannot focus for shit, lol.
Which is why it boils my piss that 99% of high flying women who forget the odd birthday now feel they share her diagnosis. My daughter regularly forgets to put underwear on, wipe after pooing and cannot sleep at all. She’ll likely never go to uni, could find any job difficult, might not be able to drive, and no this isn’t all in my head, it’s there in her EHCP.
Whilst I’m sympathetic, OP, it’s not the dad’s fault that what was once used to describe one thing (a child who struggles in school to focus, who struggles with impulsiveness, executive functioning) is now used to define someone’s identity and has expanded past the school context.
But who I feel more sorry for are all the children and adults with learning disabilities AND autism/ adhd who have been left completely out of the modern definition of neurodiversity with it’s shiny, high flying, celebrity rebrand.

https://www.mencap.org.uk/learning-disability-explained
For anyone having some difficulties with the terminology, Mencap have some easy to follow information and defenitions.

You said you don't know the context. You don't know if the child is repeating what was said correctly. The child is 7 so isn't going to understand the nuances.

Why not use the opportunity to educate a child rather than get offended?

I would try to think about why this conversation was had? It sounds as though the dad was trying to teach some consideration for differences, which is surely a well intended thing

It sounds to me like a clumsy attempt at explaining any differences your daughter might have. I would try not to read into it.

If your DD has autism and slight ADHD tendencies then maybe her friend was asking her parents about some aspect of this that she had noticed such as not having as many friends. Maybe the father, who presumably had little in depth knowledge of your child’s diagnosis, then used the umbrella term ‘learning difficulties’ in his attempt to explain.

You are rightly very protective of your DD but I would try very hard try not to take offence. I’m sure the father meant well, even though he may have been clumsy or incorrect in his wording. You don’t say which terminology you prefer to be used so, as this problem may crop up again in the future, you need to be clear about it in your own mind.
Also, be aware that small children do notice fine differences in their friends’s social, emotional and cognitive development and may need to have that preferred language modelled to them and/or discussed with them

Take heart that your DD doesn’t have learning difficulties and reassure her if she is upset, so that her self esteem isn’t affected by this knock you have experienced.

Are you in England? Who does diagnose where you are? Here it's CAMHS with years' long waiting lists or a private diagnosis which may or may not be accepted by CAMHS to take them on for prescribing meds for ADHD.

In the UK learning disability the correct term for low IQ (IQ under 70. Some countries now say intellectual disability for this)
Learning difficulty is dyslexia etc. however some people use them interchangeably without realising the difference.
(From a UK social worker with adults with learning disabilities)

I think he’s ill informed and clumsy in his wording and there’s evidence of that on here. Not many people would understand the nuances between learning disability and learning difficulties. Maybe just have a quiet word.

’Bob, Sarah told us that you said Chloe has learning disabilities, not sure if she’s misunderstood but just in case and to be clear, she doesn’t. She’s autistic, that’s not a learning disability. I just want to make sure that she doesn’t end up with the wrong label attached to her by friends throughout school. You know what kids can be like’

ADHD and autism aren't categorised as learning difficulties. They are neurodevelopmental disorders.
Dyslexia, dyspraxia, discalculia are examples of learning difficulties.
learning disabilities are diagnosed by IQ and represent significant cognitive impairment.

Yes England and it's been the case in the two counties I've taught in. It's a different arm of paediatrics. Waiting list is over 2 years.

Unless she has an IQ under 70 this would not be a learning disability. Learning disability= low IQ.

Why do they only have to be upset to explain to your children that not all of us think the same, or act the same?

You aren’t unreasonable to be upset, you can’t control how you feel. You can use it as an opportunity to speak with the friends parent and say ‘X said my child has learning difficulties, we prefer if you say they are autistic’ (or whatever your preference is) to try and avoid them using language that upsets you for whatever reason.

Since the kids are friends it is unlikely their wording was anything other than genuinely not knowing what to say. Presumably something happened that prompted them to say it. You will get this kind of thing over and over with ND kids. All you can do is use it as an opportunity to educate and be an ambassador for your child, and of course see how they feel about it too/what language bothers them (it may not at all).

In the gentlest possible way your child does have a difficulty with learning ‘typical’ social interactions, it doesn’t have to mean struggling academically. I think you need to separate how you feel and any grief you have around that, from this situation. It is hard but I hope you will find a way.

While you're 'correct' about academic learning, your child has difficulties learning social and emotional things. I would imagine knowing this helps your child's friends cut her some slack when she gets things wrong, which surely is preferable to them assuming she is being mean/rude/selfish/aloof/uncaring on purpose?

I think yabu. I have adhd. I also have am Oxbridge degree and a masters degree with a distinction. I wouldn't mind if someone referred to my adhd as a learning difficulty. It is, in many ways.

Having a learning difficulty doesn't mean that you're stupid. Having said that, I think the preferred term these days is learning differences. Not everyone will be aware of that though.

Your daughter does have learning difficulties - she has ADHD. Learning difficulties also encompasses things like processing disorders, dyscalculia and dyslexia.
She doesn't have a learning disability.

I can’t edit this but i‘m an idiot who is not wearing her glasses. You said difficulty not disability. Officially, she does have a learning difficulty

YANBU. Ironically it sounds like the Dad's learning isn't the best, as your daughter is neurodiverse rather than learning difficulties

Tbh that is how i would explain autism to a 7 year old, the parent probably didn’t know how to explain autism so just said learning difficulties, which is correct, learning difficulties doesn’t just mean academic, my son and daughter have difficulties learning social ques-learning difficulty 🤷🏻‍♀️ xx

This would have been my understanding. But ‘learning difficulties’ has often been confused with this term and then ‘learning difference’ was sometimes used instead or just ‘needs support with learning’. It’s probably best to describe more precisely what challenges someone has. Then someone may or may not view themselves as having a disability. It does become quite complicated.

In this case I think it’s probably meant well but just due to a bit of a lack of understanding. If you speak to the dad you could mention it in a constructive way.