AIBU about another parent saying my kid has learning difficulties

[Buyer97462]

Hi

My daughter who is 7 has a best friend. Said best friend came to our house after school today and said his Dad had said she has learning difficulties (I don't know the context of the conversation). Daughter is autistic and slightly ADHD but doesn't have any learning difficulties.

Am I unreasonable to be upset by this? I am hopefully not upsetting parents of children with learning difficulties but my child is perfectly capable they just struggle socially. It's particularly upsetting as she has a very small circle of friends and I do worry this kind of impression will make relationships harder.

Apologies I am not saying there is anything wrong with having learning difficulties and probably not putting this across very well.

Am I being unreasonable at being a it upset?
Edited for typo

It sounds like ignorance to me. My daughter is autistic and is incredibly intelligent.

Learning difficulties and learning disabilities are two different things autism can affect the ability to learn but a learning disability affects all areas of life and csn range from mild to profound
A person with autism can also have a diagnosis of learning disabilities,
But many people with autism will be of at least aversge intelligence.

The phrase learning difficulties is often used to include things like ADHD - it is a condition which makes it more difficult to learn in a mainstream/typical way.

It doesn’t mean that the person has low IQ or will be unable to perform academically, just that they are neurodivergent in ways that may make school harder.

If his child is also 7, I would be thinking that he’s trying to explain why your DD is different in a way that is easier to understand for his child. No 7 year old will grasp the understanding of autism and ADHD. He’s maybe missed the mark but he probably was asked a question he wasn’t prepared for and that is what was said.

It was the wording "nice to our face..." that led me to choose the word insulted. Regardless of how the sentence is finished, I think it indicates that the OP feels on some level that what he said behind there backs is 'not nice' in some way.

People generally don't really know the difference between a learning disability, learning difficulty and neurodevelopmental disorder. Some.people find some lables or terms more jarring than others to use or avoid them through a fear of offending.
I'd be inclined to give the other parent the benefit of the doubt as perhaps they mishandled a discussion about differences.

I work in children’s social care and the system we use refers to learning disabilities which we use to record autism and ADHD . I also had this conversation with DD who is 19 this week. She had just got an A* in her mocks but said that she still would say she has a learning disability as she takes longer to process information.

You are not unreasonable to feel upset. I would too. But I think it might be that may be there was a conversation about certain behaviours and the dad was supporting the child to be understanding of difference.

I know what the OP said. I was suggesting that there is a reaction underneath the words that the OP might wish to reflect on.

Yes you’re right they are different, I was trying to to say that I think people sometimes get these mixed up. Maybe as difficulty is also just used as a general word to describe when something is challenging?

I think its just clumsy wording. There are lots of children in our year group who have different things about them but all need additional help, many who are ND. Personally I don't want to go into detail when explaining to my kids about this so I just say those kids need extra help. I dont think its my place to say they have ADHD or autism.

What terms would you use to describe ADHD and autism?

My experience is that both make it more difficult for children to learn. ADHD affects concentration and processing time, autism can also affect processing time and sometimes the fixed mindset means new ideas need explaining in a couple of ways before they are accepted.

ADHD and autism aren't just social difficulties. They're neuro divergence affecting many parts of life.

All the children’s services I have worked in specify.

You can have a diagnosis of ADHD or ASD without a Learning Disability and vice versa.

A learning disability is about cognitive function whereas the other two are neuro divergence. You can have a diagnosis of ASD (now ASC - condition as opposed to disorder) and have a very high IQ.

This dad has made the same very common mistake that is often made.

Instead of saying to his 7 yr old that she has adhd and autism - he chose a child appropriate term that was not accurate but would help his daughter understand that your daughter may respond and behave differently than might be expected

Yes but if you have no experience of it and are not "in the world" of all this, it's quite understandable that an adult has explained it to his 7 year old in an inaccurate way. asd and ADHD are still handled by CAMHS and referred to in the press as mental health issues when they're neurological conditions. If even the actual government agency is labelling it wrongly, it's not surprising that a random parent would.

Genuine question (my son has adhd)

but do you truly think that your child’s adhd and autism presents no learning difficulties for her at all?

I always fine this interesting as in my area CAMHS won't touch children with ASD. Nevermind if there is more going on that than, they push back saying they are not an ASD service. I've heard people say CAMHS diagnose ASD/ADHD but that's not the case here either. It must differ area to area.

How would you have felt about the term SEN OP? I suspect that was what he was aiming for and misworded it. I understand why you are upset by it.

I have two Sen kids at Russell group unis … Sen stands for special education needs - yes autism / adhd are learning difficulties nothing to be ashamed of.

What terminology would you like them to use? I think it dad said she was neuro diverse the child wouldn't understand that. I expect the friend has noticed that your child does behave differently and has asked why (or at school is given different allowances and again is questioning this). I would have a conversation with dad about the language you feel is appropriate for a 7 year old to help them understand.

It’s why I don’t like the term SEN. Special educational needs sounds a lot like learning needs, what else is it really? It’s saying there’s something different about them and they need extra help with education. It’s just the wrong terminology, the Dad meant SEN which essentially is saying the same thing.

Some people don't understand what these terms mean. Of course autism and adhd aren't learning difficulties by themselves but they are additional needs of a type. The father probably meant that.

Agreed. I prefer additional needs as it doesn't imply anything to do with education and therefore learning.

It sounds like the dad is just ignorant and was clumsily trying to explain to his daughter. There is still an assumption I think that all children who have Autism also have learning disabilities which obviously isn't true.

My son is a wheelchair user and far too many people assume that he has a learning disability too. It's pure ignorance.

ADHD is categorised as a learning difficult, a bit slower, is he old skool as it was commonly used to diagnose LD, low concentration, attention span, often behavioural issues.
Your DD is not on this spectrum, thankfully but it is a learning difficulty that makes learning difficult for a lot of children.

I think he mixed up additional needs and learning difficulties which is understandable and forgivable.