AIBU about another parent saying my kid has learning difficulties

[Buyer97462]

Hi

My daughter who is 7 has a best friend. Said best friend came to our house after school today and said his Dad had said she has learning difficulties (I don't know the context of the conversation). Daughter is autistic and slightly ADHD but doesn't have any learning difficulties.

Am I unreasonable to be upset by this? I am hopefully not upsetting parents of children with learning difficulties but my child is perfectly capable they just struggle socially. It's particularly upsetting as she has a very small circle of friends and I do worry this kind of impression will make relationships harder.

Apologies I am not saying there is anything wrong with having learning difficulties and probably not putting this across very well.

Am I being unreasonable at being a it upset?
Edited for typo

Your child's friend probably noticed something and asked their dad.
Their dad tried to explain it in a child friendly way and with the limited into he will have on your child.

This is the top and bottom of it IMO. The friend has noticed that the OP's daughter acts or is treated differently at school. She asked her dad about this. The dad (who may well not even know the details of the daughter's condition), didn't want to brush it off but wasn't bang up to date with the latest terminology, so just used 'learning difficulties' as a catch-all. 'Learning difficulties' is a much politer version of what used to be said by people who didn't know about this stuff, so I highly doubt there was any calculated insult involved.

i presume your daughter did or said something inappropriate and the father was trying to help his daughter to better understand why?

Isn’t autism a form of learning difficulties in the wider sense? For example, the autistic person may have difficulty learning about social cues? Or difficulty learning what is appropriate and inappropriate social behaviour and speech?

I get it. My child has SM and is probably autistic. She struggles hugely socially as she cannot talk to friends. Some people act like she doesn't understand. She understands perfectly, she is very clever. My child has enough problems without more made up ones being added on.

I think intention is key here.

For example (this is a completely made up scene) the dad says "I don't want that child here anymore, she kept taking DD's things and wouldn't give them back even though DD asked her politely". Then his wife responds "no I don't agree. She wasn't being rude. She was hyper focused on the game and didn't hear DD. She has a learning disability (uses incorrect term)". Your child's friend overhears and reports back.

No, Autism is not a learning difficulty.

Presumably you corrected the child, factually and politely?

Their parent has used the wrong word. Your factual correction may be reported back to them by their child. Job done.

Just wanted to say I feel your MIL pain. My eldest is autistic, but when MIL talks to her friends about him she always says he 'has problems'😡

Don’t Autism and ADHD in children make learning difficult?

So it doesn’t cause any difficulties with learning in children? Their behaviour is not more challenging and they don’t find it more difficult to engage and learn in comparison to their peers? I think a whole wealth of research might disagree with you.

Not necessarily - sometimes it's the system or environment rather than the child, who can learn perfectly well and is completely capable but stuck in a system that doesn't allow for individual ways of learning.

As a mum who’s now in the 4th decade of the ever changing terminology used to describe anyone with a neurodivergence I’m very comfortable admitting I get dizzy trying to keep with it all.

As a result of not being able to keep with the ever changing terminology I now only refer to my sons difficulties with the name of his original diagnosis, classic kanners autism, and if that puzzles the person I’m talking to I say he’s mentally handicapped.

Im worn out treading through minefields after 30 odd years so now I don’t.

He is probably just a bit confused about the terminology. He might have been clumsily trying to explain some difference between the two girls. Who knows because you have no context, just a young girl who said something without malice that she heard from her dad.
Your dd has a friend who seems to like her for who she is. Sounds like she is fine at forming relationships so I wouldn't worry too much.

Even if they are an expert in the field eg SENDCO etc, it is a very tactless thing to say in front of the children.

Sorry - as the parent of an autistic child myself, you are being unreasonable. The language is changing constantly, but "learning difficulty" was the correct umbrella term in the 90s for a range of neurodivergence - I believe it then became "learning difference" - and in any case, ADHD is often referred to today as a "specific learning difficulty". My child is extremely academic, and "learns" well in the narrow definition of the word - but being autistic certainly makes other forms of learning (particularly social in his case) more challenging. If someone wants to describe that as a learning difficulty, that's fine with me.

I think the parent was clearly trying to say the right thing here, and nothing they said was wrong - the term is probably easier for a child to understand than the specific diagnosis. It's unreasonable to expect someone to be invested as much as you are in the precise up to date terminology, and it's not like they used any form of slur. I think you are being too sensitive.

i think you are confused about terminology and should educate yourself about the definition of a learning difficulty and a neurodevelopmental conditions. Children who are neurodivergent have enough difficulties without uneducated people using incorrect terminology.

Im presuming the Dad has little knowledge of your DD's abilities, maybe little knowledge of learning difficulties.

It may be a kind but clumsy attempt. But we don't really know that.

But what he has done is given your child a label.... its been repeated to her by his child. Who may repeat it to others in your DD's peer group. I would also be upset about that.

If he's wrong, or even if his "diagnosis" was right, I'd be taking that up with him, pointing out that its not necessary and asking him to stop explaining your DD.

i don't understand what the issue is, au/adhd can often be a learning difficulty.

SEN/D is described on ukgov as - a term for children and young people who have learning difficulties or disabilities.

This can be

• behaviour or ability to socialise, for example they struggle to make friends
• reading and writing, for example because they have dyslexia
• ability to understand things
• concentration levels, for example because they have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
• physical ability

LD is the same as saying SEN - one is just more in fashion than the other.

that is still a learning difficulty

Children ask questions.

Also - you don't know what led up to this comment. Perhaps his daughter was being critical of something your child did, and he was trying to defend your daughter by explaining why she might have struggled in a certain moment or communicated in a particular way.

Is your daughter aware of her specific diagnosis? And does the other parent know if she is aware - he might've been trying to explain in what he thought was a less specific and more sensitive way. If your daughter is OK with it, I wouldn't do anything to rock the boat with the other parents, in case it interferes with the children's friendship. Good friendships are precious and sometimes harder to come by for neurodivergent children.

No it's not. A learning difficulty sits with the learner. ADHD and autism are differences, not necessarily difficulties. Its the systems that make it difficult, not the learner.

Obviously there are children with both/either autism and ADHD where the difficulty does lie with the learner but as I said in the post you quoted - not necessarily.

It is completely wrong For another child’s parent to talk to them about the possibility that your child is neuro diverse. This would need to be confirmed with testing by professionals and anything else is just his opinion. He has no idea whether you think your child is your neuro diverse, whether you are getting testing, whether she has already been tested and you have decided not to tell her for the time being. Children who are labelled with autism sometimes get bullied at school and it’s a very sensitive issue which needs careful handling I would be really cross and I would be speaking to him about it as well.

ADHD is classified as a learning difficulty. I think you are annoyed as a you are thinking it's along the same lines as a learning disability, which it isn't.

a lot of these protestations reek of ableism