AIBU about another parent saying my kid has learning difficulties

[Buyer97462]

Hi

My daughter who is 7 has a best friend. Said best friend came to our house after school today and said his Dad had said she has learning difficulties (I don't know the context of the conversation). Daughter is autistic and slightly ADHD but doesn't have any learning difficulties.

Am I unreasonable to be upset by this? I am hopefully not upsetting parents of children with learning difficulties but my child is perfectly capable they just struggle socially. It's particularly upsetting as she has a very small circle of friends and I do worry this kind of impression will make relationships harder.

Apologies I am not saying there is anything wrong with having learning difficulties and probably not putting this across very well.

Am I being unreasonable at being a it upset?
Edited for typo

I think it’s deemed as “politer” to say someone has learning difficulties than outright say someone is autistic. Autistic can and has been used in derogatory ways in the past. Maybe he was just playing it safe.

When a SEN child in my DCs school does something that other kids might find out of the ordinary the teachers say ‘its ok, C doesn’t understand’ - they are reception age. Kids will question some behaviours and I agree maybe the child queried something and the dad simply answered. I don’t think it was a random comment.

I would be upset too OP.

It’s likely clumsy wording about ND more than anything.

Our DS is autistic and we hear this a lot and have to explain.

UK terminology generally:

Learning difficulties = dyslexia, ADHD, dyscalculia etc
Learning disability/Intellectual disability = IQ below around 70

It's a fucking pain in the arse and my ID service still gets GPs referring to us because someone has dyslexia and they've got confused about the difference - hence us using ID rather than LD!

My DCs autistic. I wouldn't be upset in that situation. I'd just assume that the child had been questioning the parent about something my DC did and the parent wanted the child to have some understanding that some children struggle with certain things and have additional needs.
I think it's pretty obvious to people in the playground my DC had additional needs, none of them have been told his diagnosis. I could understand them using the term learning difficulties if they don't have a lot of knowledge and experience around autism.

Autism is a condition, it can cause learning difficulties, and some peoole with autism will also have learned disabilities ranging from mild to profound
Why is it derogatory to use the condtion somone has being diagnosed with rather than the rather vague learning difficulties, term?

While I think this has been expressed in a rude manner, @Buyer97462 I also think the fact that the dad has referred to 'SEN' rather than using insulting terminology is a good thing. So many people, including many MN posters, dismiss SEN and claim there is nothing wrong or that it's just bad parenting. The fact that an adult is referring to it politely with the correct terminology suggests a level of understanding (at least, without knowing a precise diagnosis).

If another adult referred to my DC as SEN (they are) I wouldn't be insulted. Worse has been said by other school parents who really should know better.

7 year olds ask questions. Providing a factual answer (which I assume is what the parent thought they were doing) is better than brushing the question away.

At about the same age my DD asked if her cousin were autistic. My response was that he probably was; he certainly exhibited many autistic behaviours, but that he hadn't been assessed so no one knew for sure. She knew about autism because there were 2 autistic children in their year. If she'd simply said "why does cousin do xyz slightly unusual behaviour" I might well have fallen back on a catch all phrase like "learning difficulties" or possibly "learning differences" (is that better?).

What do people think you should say when children are questioning like this?

I would assume that the best friend probably asked questions about your daughters disabilities (autism/ADHD), and the dad was clumsy in how he explained it, probably attempting to explain it in a simplistic and age appropriate way and not doing a great job.

I would try not to take it personally, especially given they’re friends and it likely not being malicious.

He’s just using out dated language. Nowadays referred to as ASN (in our area, maybe different ie SEN elsewhere) it’s an umbrella term that includes many learning delays from severe to mild and also includes the full spectrum of asd/adhd. Language changes quite often and it can be hard to keep up if you aren’t involved in the area in some way

ADHD is a learning difficulty. It makes learning more difficult than it is for people who don't have ADHD. If it weren't a learning difficulty, schools would not need to provide accommodations for it.

What ADHD is NOT is a synonym for stupid. I've taught a lot of ADHD kids spanning the full range of human intelligence. Whether or not you have ADHD has no relation to how intelligent you are.

My child is also diagnosed with autism and adhd and another mum once compared him to dory from finding nemo.
I could forgive learning difficulties, even though it's not the term I'd use maybe the dad thought it was correct.

I agree with PP that the dad was most likely just fumbling the terminology. It's enough of a minefield not to get the terminology wrong and offend someone when neurodivergence directly affects your own family ('slightly ADHD' being one example of a term not everyone is going to be on board with), let alone when it doesn't.

OK to feel a bit sensitive about it though, she's your daughter.

I think like others the dad was just trying to give his son a simple answer to a question and missed the mark in your eyes. You probably are just feeling a bit oversensitive as you feel your daughter has enough differences already without adding another label which is perfectly understandable.
Your daughter is obviously doing well to have a circle of friends as not all and children have that at 7 so stay positive.

Even us parents with asd and adhd children find it hard to keep up with the terminology once the children are past a certain age especially if you are self managing.

YABU. 1) You’re mistaking learning difficulties for learning disabilities. 2) Learning difficulties isn’t an insult. And 3) you don’t know the context of their conversation.

Learning disability: intellectually impaired.

Learning difficulty: specific learning difficulties include ADHD and sometimes autism, and other things like dyslexia and dyscalculia.

Your daughter does technically have learning difficulties. It’s not an insult. it feels like you don’t want your daughter to be actuated with those kids.

Finally it doesn’t mean the friend’s dad is “labelling” your child. It could be something like “why does (OP’s daughter) do this?” or “why is (OP’s daughter) allowed to do that?” and the dad has given the girl a simple explanation.

Your child's friend probably noticed something and asked their dad.
Their dad tried to explain it in a child friendly way and with the limited into he will have on your child.
There isnt any need to take offence, learning difficulties is very broad and could apply to any area of learning, including social, which you mentioned your child has. It is simply a difficulty with something. ADHD can be classed as that, as there are traits that make it difficult to learn. It is not judging the child on academic ability or intelligence.
Your child is at an age now where differences will be noted by their peers.

Because without the context, they will otherwise put unusual behaviour down to the person being weird/rude/not liking them.

YABU, she has SEN and is part of the SEN system in the school. That could be anything from dyslexia to intellectual disability. For you it's a very obvious difference but for the lay person the term 'learning difficulties' could be a catch all for anyone with additional needs. It's hard to keep up, the language changes constantly and it doesn't mean they meant anything negative by it, they know your DD needs additional supports and isn't mainstream. I think its unfair to think they were being mean about her, they were probably trying to explain why she has allowances made or a different schedule.

I think some people who don’t know much about ND kids/autism assume it’s a learning difficulty. I wouldn’t blame the dad, he’d probably be mortified if he knew what his DD had said. He probably knows she has ADHD & autism but has labelled it a learning difficulty out of ignorance

I said earlier in the thread that my daughter has a friend who has been diagnosed with autism and ADHD and other complex needs. She does have difficulty in friendships and it actively impacts them. Not just in terms of the autism and ADHD themselves but also in the stress during her diagnosis process. Why the hell wouldn't a parent explain that to their child? She wasn't very nice to my daughter at all for a while and it was heartbreaking as a parent, but my daughter ultimately chose to hold space for her friend in a way she may not have if she didn't have any understanding of what was going on with her. There are many difficult times (and no doubt there will be more as they hit their teenage years), so my daughter gets upset, but she's obstinately loyal to her friend and her friend often chooses her for support throughout the school day. So yes, parents should be discussing and normalising the difficulties children with additional needs have.

I can see why this would upset you I mean it’s not really appropriate for an adult to say that to their child about your child at this age. Because children will just blurt out things than adults say. And it’s not nice to have a friend tell you that someone said you have learning difficulties regardless of whether you do or not. I’m sure it wasn’t meant in a malicious way or anything though.

Did you explain your DD's diagnosis to the family before they started going on play dates?
Does your DD know how to describe her diagnosis to a new friend in terms that are both easy to understand and comfortable for you?

Imagine your DD meets a new friend who behaves a little unusually and your DD asks you to explain. Would you guess her diagnosis? Would that be appropriate?

It doesn't sound like the intention was bad and it sounds like the friend is giving you an opportunity to clarify so go ahead and explain to her in the terms you want to use.

I understand, I have autistic children and I would be upset at that too. My MIL often talks about my dc's disabilities inaccurately and I hate it.

I do find some people use the term specific learning difficulties to mean things like dyslexia, dyspraxia, autism etc and then they say learning disabilities when they mean low IQ.

Not defending him but maybe his daughter has said “x does this or x doesn’t really like loud noises or in my child’s case it’s x shakes his legs when we are on carpet time” maybe dad has tried to explain and he doesn’t know the best way to explain autism to a 7 year old and it’s been the easier explanation to say learning difficulty. And it some ways it is my sons leaning difficulty is that he struggles in the flow of conversation and because his has dysprixa he’s leaning difficulty is co ordination