Son excluded after meeting today. Was meant to be isolation. Feel sick about it

[FrostedOwl]

I dont really know where to start and sorry if this is a mess but ive just got home and my head is pounding. Had a meeting with school today about my son after an incident last week. At the time they said it would be an internal exclusion so isolation for a few days and we accepted that. I wasnt happy but i understood it and told him he’d messed up and that was that. Today’s meeting was meant to be a follow up and somehow it’s ended with him being formally excluded. Fixed term. I feel like the ground’s been pulled from under me. I keep going over the meeting in my head thinking did i miss something or did i say the wrong thing. Part of me is furious with him, part of me is angry at the school and part of me just feels like ive failed completely. Im trying to be calm but honestly im shaking typing this.

What the school said today (sorry this might be a bit long):

• the original incident was “more serious than first thought” even though nothing new has actually happened since last week
• they said his attitude in isolation wasnt good enough and he was “non compliant”
• apparently he walked out of a lesson earlier in the week when he was meant to be in isolation (i wasnt told at the time)
• they said theres a pattern of behaviour building and this exclusion is to “send a message”
• i was told they could escalate it and that they are within their rights to do so

He isnt an angel. I know that. But he also isnt violent or out of control and this feels like a big step. He’s also been school refusing on and off this term which i know doesnt help. Some mornings he just flat out refuses to go and says he cant be bothered or that theres no point. I do get him there most days but attendance isnt perfect and the school bring it up constantly like its all connected. Maybe it is, i dont know anymore.

Am i being unreasonable for feeling like this has been handled badly and too quickly or am i just defensive because its my child. I feel judged every time i walk into that building. Ive never posted on here before so sorry if ive done this wrong. I just dont know if im seeing this clearly or not.

But other children have the right to a decent learning environment.

That always seems to be forgotten

Your too defensive of your child. Sorry Op but the school clearly stated that his behaviour in isolation wasnt good enough. Which means that isolation is not working as a deterent. So yes the exclusion makes sense and hopefully it sends the message to your son that his behaviour needs to change. You pandering to him and accusing the school of being too harsh is not going to help. He is old enough to know better

And lots of grey areas as well. You don't need to 'ffs'

Your sons behaviour is unacceptable and you need to support the action school has taken or your son will think his behaviour is ok

It not that he swore at the teacher. It's because it's a pattern of persistent behaviour and he wasn't taking the original punishment seriously.

He left the school with little room to move. If they let it go the message would be that he can get away with that behaviour.

If he doesn't want the punishment he needs to realise that he doesn't do the behaviour.

Just to add - my comments relate to PERMANENT exclusions, not fixed term exclusions - and. A fixed term exclusion does seem appropriate

I don't think that's the difference, parents being aware.

I used to be a head of year, and whenever we had to do any kind of exclusion (internal or external) there was a huge amount that went into the investigation. Going for a fixed term exclusion was really hard - you had to have significant, irrefutable evidence.

Your son has definitely messed up, and while following through with sanctions at home is really important, trying to understand his behaviour and where it’s coming from is also a big part of helping him get back on track. So as well as confiscating his devices, make sure you also check them for any signs of him being influenced by negative online content (for example, if the teacher he swore at was a woman, is there any evidence of him following misogynistic accounts?) That can help get an insight into where his anger is coming from.

Sometimes teenage boys need more physical ways to let off steam as well. If he’s not already, get him to join some kind of sports activity (boxing clubs can be amazing at teaching boys how to control their anger in a disciplined way).

I’ve dealt with a lot of angry teenage boys in my time - I’ve also seen a lot of them turn it around, but it does take a lot of hard work and commitment from him and those around him.

Of course. But it was you who said one had been rebranded as another, no?

@TeenYearsAreBrutal it's not a PEX, it's a suspension. Suspensions only go in front of governors when the young person has racked up 15 days or more. School seem to have confused their terminology (which changed a while ago) There's nothing to overturn as it's not a permanent exclusion.

From your posts OP, your son is consistently disruptive. A school doesn't give out a fixed term exclusion for no reason. It's usually when isolation, detentions etc haven't worked. In your son's case they haven't work! Of course the school refusal and his poor behaviour are linked. What support have the school offered? Have you sought any outside help for your son's behaviour?

Having a student in class that's disruptive is an utter pain in the arse. It stops other students learning, staff teaching and they're spending huge amounts of time during a lesson having to deal with them.

It's equally not fair on your son constantly being told off/sent out of the classroom, he's stopping himself from learning.

Perhaps the fact your son is embarrassed, might be a learning curve, where he realises that poor behaviour has consequences far more than detentions and isolations.

It does sort of sound like he is out of control, but it doesn't sound like he has sen (though it isnt possible to say based on just what is here). It sounds like a pattern of increasingly poor behaviour and from one of your posts I think potential bullying. He needs to be encouraged to start thinking of the impact his actions have on others - you, teachers, friends - instead of just thinking of himself and what he wants.

He hasn’t had a PEX, he’s had a fixed term suspension.

@FrostedOwl I think going forward you need to jump on the fact that he feels bad about being excluded. Help him work through that and understand truly that this behaviour is not acceptable and absolutely not ok.

Secondly you need to help him boost his self esteem. So he feels like he is a good part of the school, part of that community and no different to any of the other pupils there - by the sounds of it he has a mindset of he’s being singled out / less clever etc which needs addressing for him to feel confident and capable. In you shoes, I would ask the school for help with this eg if there was a teacher who could be his mentor? Maybe from a subject he is good at? He needs to feel he has value and or I would be afraid the whole thing would deteriorate more. Do you think he has low self esteem and if yes why? Is there anything he feels he is really good at / a successful part of?

I would also ask him to imagine what it would be like to be a teacher in a class where someone behaved like he does. Or another pupil. How would he like it say at football practice or whatever he enjoys, If someone else made it impossible to do the session because they were being rude / messing about etc??

best of luck to you, you sound like a great mum - I think a balance of tough love and nurturing is required and you’re right that this is a critical time xoxo

The school I used to work in would definitely exclude a student if they swore at a teacher/member of staff. Just make sure it doesn't keep happening as they can eventually look to permanently exclude after a certain number of days.

All 14 year olds' hormones are "raging" though.

Please outline the more constructive thing that could be done.

Op, is your son an only child? If not how does he behave towards other children? Has he displayed empathy towards other people? T

He could be emotionally immature and not able to handle negative feelings. Does his father have healthy emotional reactions as often its learnt behaviour.

Whilst he is off I would get him to focus on CBT and ways to process his negative feelings, rather than exploding with anger. If he feels stupid when asked a question he could learn that feelings are not facts. You could get him to a therapists or even CBT worksheets. At his age he has to start taking some responsibility for his reactions.

He will have disrupted so many kids education

hopefully now the teachers can get back to teaching

Op. I’m not sure of your point on if the school told you he’d walked out of isolation you’d have dealt with it. He’d already done it the moment he walked out the door, there is no genie that can be put back in the bottle at that point, the crime had been committed,

he refuses to go to school, you’re his parent,he disobeys you and doesn’t go. He shouted and swore at a teacher, he refused to leave the classroom, disrupting the lesson for everyone else. Those children are entitled to a calm and safe undistrubed learning environment. He then walked out of isolation, his punishment for what he’d done, thus refusing the punishment.

what else were they supposed to do, talking wouldn’t make it better, or change it, it would have taught him nothing other than he can be aggressive, abusive and disobedient and mummy will sort it for him, and he then gets to tell his mates how he got away with it as mummy sorted it.

he needs to face consequences for his actions. It’s good he feels embarrassed, I’m sure it’s very cool to just refuse to go to school when he fancies it,spend the day round the house and just lose a few privileges like his phone or game. It’s very different to when the school say you’re not allowed in and he’s punished in front of his mates for his shit behaviour.

you should be pleased the school have acted, as your punishments and talking don’t work, he blatantly disobeys you,

so if he continues the next step will ultimately be expulsion and move to another school. Shit jobs earning no money as an adult. Poorly educated and unable to have any money to go out with his mates, go on holidays, get a car. I’d be making it clear what his actions are doing to his future.

so no, I’m sorry the school shouldn’t have went easier on him. They stepped in just as they should have.

Well what does he say to you when you ask what the problem with school is? I would clear your head of anything anyone else says and ask him why he hates going there. Then act on that.

It doesn’t matter who he swore at or if he was excluded. What is going on in his head that he isn’t coping.

I’m not sure he does know he’s wrong. I sincerely hope you go through him like a dose of salts and support the school in accepting this is completely unacceptable behaviour.

Stamp it out now before he leaves school with shit GCSEs (or none) and behaves that way in employment. Because if he does he’d be rightly sacked.

It sounds fair to me.
Why should any teacher have to put up with being shouted and swore at . I bet to the female teacher it was quite intimidating . Especially when he refused to leave the classroom. They have enough to deal with already . Not to mention the disruption to other students .

Why are you angry with the school? Your son sounds like a headache they could well do without. They are there to teach, not police... Or parent.

The school have the interests of all the other children to consider. They considered your son, but he seems to have blown it to a level where the wellbeing if others vastly overrules a 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 20th chance for him.

Well done school.

Realised that afterwards! That’ll teach me for multitasking and responding whilst curling my hair. I promise I pay more attention in PEXs 😂

Someone will come along to tell you it’s not his fault it’s his mental health or SEN. Reality is, he’s clearly been taking the piss for quite some time and now he has a fixed term exclusion. Perhaps he will return with a better attitude.