Son excluded after meeting today. Was meant to be isolation. Feel sick about it

[FrostedOwl]

I dont really know where to start and sorry if this is a mess but ive just got home and my head is pounding. Had a meeting with school today about my son after an incident last week. At the time they said it would be an internal exclusion so isolation for a few days and we accepted that. I wasnt happy but i understood it and told him he’d messed up and that was that. Today’s meeting was meant to be a follow up and somehow it’s ended with him being formally excluded. Fixed term. I feel like the ground’s been pulled from under me. I keep going over the meeting in my head thinking did i miss something or did i say the wrong thing. Part of me is furious with him, part of me is angry at the school and part of me just feels like ive failed completely. Im trying to be calm but honestly im shaking typing this.

What the school said today (sorry this might be a bit long):

• the original incident was “more serious than first thought” even though nothing new has actually happened since last week
• they said his attitude in isolation wasnt good enough and he was “non compliant”
• apparently he walked out of a lesson earlier in the week when he was meant to be in isolation (i wasnt told at the time)
• they said theres a pattern of behaviour building and this exclusion is to “send a message”
• i was told they could escalate it and that they are within their rights to do so

He isnt an angel. I know that. But he also isnt violent or out of control and this feels like a big step. He’s also been school refusing on and off this term which i know doesnt help. Some mornings he just flat out refuses to go and says he cant be bothered or that theres no point. I do get him there most days but attendance isnt perfect and the school bring it up constantly like its all connected. Maybe it is, i dont know anymore.

Am i being unreasonable for feeling like this has been handled badly and too quickly or am i just defensive because its my child. I feel judged every time i walk into that building. Ive never posted on here before so sorry if ive done this wrong. I just dont know if im seeing this clearly or not.

Well, because when I picked my 6ft 2in 14yr old son up from school after a fight who was still angry about the fact his friend had been picked on for being gay...even though I was furious at him for throwing not just the first punch but more I was desperate for him not to become a flight risk and go looking for more trouble on the way home from school.

I'm sure a lot if people here are all #bekind, but then when its a 14 year old boy who's obviously struggling a bit and its manifesting in bad behaviour - are all like kick him out, he deserves it.

I think the school have done the right thing.

I understand you might think the school have been unreasonable but there does seem to be a pattern of behaviour building.

@FrostedOwlI’ve only read your posts and it does seem like quite a big consequence for swearing and walking out. What do they do for violence?!

but I think it’s good that your able to work with the school and also that your son is showing remorse.

It sounds like he doesn’t like any focus on him and is perhaps struggling to know how to respond when he feels overwhelmed. Therefore he’s trying to avoid that feeling by either not going, or reacting badly when he doesn’t know what to do.

Do the school offer any support for this? Any sessions around anger and learning new strategies? It could be anxiety caused by fluctuating hormones at this age.

I think your punishments etc are ok and you’re showing him it’s not ok. But I do think it’s ok to give him a hug and actually try to sit down and figure it out. So that you can find a way to support and prevent it happening again.

there is clearly more to this than you are divulging. I highly doubt he swore at a teacher for no reason. Something must have happened that has then escalated.

Seems like he had enough chances and it is him that escalated it not the school . Swearing at a teacher , non compliance on numerous occasions. At 14 ? I think he should be expelled . No teacher or other pupils should have to put up with his crap.

Sorry for you OP but he is your problem.Shouldnt be the schools.

It really does sound like you are trying your best OP, but also minimising his behaviour. He clearly has an issue with authority, his rebelling at home, ignoring you by refusing to attend school, showing disrespect to the teachers on multiple occasions, and then, rather than knuckling down and accepting the punishment, he's walked off, I'm not really surprised with the exclusion.

I think you really need to get to the root cause of this. Perhaps some counselling would help him develop the tools to deal with these situations? He's clearly going down a bad path, hopefully the exclusion will help him wake up and realise the situation, as he's about to start really important school years.

Hope you and son can work your way through this.

This is brilliant advice OP, I hope you take heed. Good luck.

If id known him walking out of isolation was such a big deal id have dealt with it immediately.
That statement is telling.

You seem more focused on criticising the school than showing sympathy towards the students whose education is being disrupted by your son's behaviour, and towards the poor teacher faced with being sworn at.

Your son says he's embarrassed because he was put on the spot. Not embarrassed about his subsequent actions? Students like this are the reason many teachers leave the profession.

Its just a fixed term. Its not forever. He should get a reintegration meeting and during that mum can bring up any support she thing he needs going forward then and can get it documented that she thinks there are underlying problems etc.

It would be useful to know what the swearing was.
It’s very different to have a muttered ‘bloody hell’ or ‘ffs’ to a personal attack like ‘you bitch.’ I’m guessing the teacher was female? That’s an issue too.

Im sorry that must be stressful.
Why do you think your DS is behaving badly at school?
Is it an isolated "incident" or a pattern of behaviour?

I think it’s an appropriate response. What would you have expected? They tried isolation and he refused to stay there. They aren’t allowed to physically stop him from leaving and he’ll be disrupting everyone else with this chaos. It was his choice to disregard his consequences so they got worse.

Sounds like the school is doing the right thing by sending him a clear message that his behaviour is unacceptable. If he’s disrupting classes by swearing and refusing to leave then it’s affecting the education of the other kids in the class which is completely unfair.

My son got a half day exclusion last year for throwing chairs. He has SEND but quite rightly the school said they couldn’t have him putting the safety of others at risk. It was a shock for him but it helped motivate him to work on managing his frustrations better and his behaviour improved massively after that.

His perspective is that he felt picked on in that lesson and embarrassed in front of everyone.

Be a bit careful. Kids are well aware of exactly what to say to ensure their behaviour is chalked up to mental health etc. They know to bring up feelings like shame & anxiety. Why would he feel picked on? He's saying this to excuse his disruptive behaviour.

I would say calmly and firmly that there are no excuses here that you think carry any weight. He loses all tech & access to money indefinitely - phone/tech access to be earned each day (after the exclusion) by attending school & behaving. Ground him obviously.

Don't go to school asking for leniency or trying to excuse his behaviour. Ask their advice, ask them if there's anything you can do at home to reinforce their messaging - make clear you wholeheartedly support them. You have an opportunity to let this be a short sharp shock that wakes him up before GCSEs.

If id known him walking out of isolation was such a big deal id have dealt with it immediately

How on earth could you not know its a big deal? Its completely disobedient and shows a total disregard for authority. By not accepting his punishment he is showing he doesn't acknowledge that it was needed.

Any diagnosis ? Could you get a counsellor on board for him as clearly somethings going on and he may be actually struggling for a reason

School refusal and truancy are not the same thing.

Truancy is skipping school for some mundane/misbehaviour reason.

School Refusal is the recognised term when there is a stress or emotional based reason, most often seen in children with Mental Health difficulties, those being bullied, and children with Autism/ADHD because they can't cope with the environment.

It’s NOT typical teenage behavior!! Only from a brat who’s badly behaved and gets away with it from his parents! My kids don’t get away with that at all!! Children need discipline and parenting and I would
have lost my shit at my kids behaving even like this for one day and certainly the lack of respect for a teacher - swearing etc at them?! Any of my kids behaved like that they would have been grounded for life!!! I’d be VERY ashamed of my kids behaving like your son had😳

Where’s his Dad?

What i want to know is when suspension started being called 'fixed term exclusion'. I hated it when it was used with my son when we were having some issues, it just feels wrong, lol.

Whenever i see 'excluded' in a title i assume its permanent as the short term was always called suspension when i was at school.

🙄

zero advice.

@JLou08

I agree with you to a large extent.

But @MissAustenMadeAQuilt I can't agree that the staff and other children are MORE important than him.

I write as the foster carer of a 12 year old who had 13 suspensions last term.
I have a lot of sympathy with the school. They tried everything with him, he used up a vastly disproportionate amount of teacher resources and by the end of term was causing the whole school disruption.
The school could have done somethings better but ultimately he was simply in the wrong environment and he couldn't cope.
Both him and the school were really let down I think by a process which does not allow the school to say we cannot meet the needs of this child and to act quickly enough.
We all spent the last half term knowing that he would get suspension after suspension unless we could get him out of there.
Last week he started at a special school. For the first time in 9 months he has attended school every day for a whole week, on a full timetable. He is happy and excited to be learning again, not dreading getting up and going to the other school. He has great reports from the staff. He is working hard and doing his best.

He has the same right to education as any other child. He is not more important, but he is equally as important.

The other school could not manage him within traditional behaviour management techniques - which are essentially punitive in approach. But in a school of 1000+ children what can you do?
His new school has 50 children, 3 staff to a class. They do have suspension and exclusion in their behaviour management policy, but if there other techniques work, it shouldn't get that far.

Oh Dear Lord it sounds so like my DS. It started in nursery, they put him on the SEN register. I used to sit in my car outside the nursery dreading going in to hear what he'd done. It went on when he was at school. He was excluded from primary school several times.

Eventually he was diagnosed as having an ASD.

I had to fight to get him to be allowed to go on a skiing trip to France as I said to the school that they should be able to manage pupils with additional needs & not discriminate because they have a disability. He was awarded with a special award, as, during a bout of sickness in the hostel where they were staying, he was sick but he identified that the teacher who was supposed to be caring for the sick pupils was sick & he took her water & alerted other responsible adults.

But my poor DS still struggles. He's nearly 30, has since been diagnosed with bi-polar & has never managed to hold down a job for more than 6 months. I worry about him.

He’s been disrespectful, a pain in the arse for teachers and other pupils and won’t behave as he’s expected to or follow the normal hierarchy respect expectations at school OR home. You cannot even get him to do as YOU tell him as his parent at age 14!
I’d say he’s getting exactly what I’d expect him to receive and guess he will probably continue along this worsening path unless you begin to undo his current mindset that he’s equal to adults and can do as he pleases.
Another nightmare entitled colleague/co worker/employee entering the adult world in a few years who think performance reviews are bullying and management meetings about staff performance and target reviews are ‘bitching’ 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️