Son excluded after meeting today. Was meant to be isolation. Feel sick about it

[FrostedOwl]

I dont really know where to start and sorry if this is a mess but ive just got home and my head is pounding. Had a meeting with school today about my son after an incident last week. At the time they said it would be an internal exclusion so isolation for a few days and we accepted that. I wasnt happy but i understood it and told him he’d messed up and that was that. Today’s meeting was meant to be a follow up and somehow it’s ended with him being formally excluded. Fixed term. I feel like the ground’s been pulled from under me. I keep going over the meeting in my head thinking did i miss something or did i say the wrong thing. Part of me is furious with him, part of me is angry at the school and part of me just feels like ive failed completely. Im trying to be calm but honestly im shaking typing this.

What the school said today (sorry this might be a bit long):

• the original incident was “more serious than first thought” even though nothing new has actually happened since last week
• they said his attitude in isolation wasnt good enough and he was “non compliant”
• apparently he walked out of a lesson earlier in the week when he was meant to be in isolation (i wasnt told at the time)
• they said theres a pattern of behaviour building and this exclusion is to “send a message”
• i was told they could escalate it and that they are within their rights to do so

He isnt an angel. I know that. But he also isnt violent or out of control and this feels like a big step. He’s also been school refusing on and off this term which i know doesnt help. Some mornings he just flat out refuses to go and says he cant be bothered or that theres no point. I do get him there most days but attendance isnt perfect and the school bring it up constantly like its all connected. Maybe it is, i dont know anymore.

Am i being unreasonable for feeling like this has been handled badly and too quickly or am i just defensive because its my child. I feel judged every time i walk into that building. Ive never posted on here before so sorry if ive done this wrong. I just dont know if im seeing this clearly or not.

I think at lot will depend on what he has done and how old he is.

I’m sorry this is so hard on you.

Can you tell us, even vaguely, what the incident was that triggered all this, and whether he's been in trouble before?

When did truancy get rebranded as 'school refusal' - (not directed at you OP, just general musing)

What consequences does he get at home for his behaviour?

Without details of the incident we have no idea if you are being unreasonable or not, but from the information you withold from your post I suspect many reading this will think your son has behavioural issues and you're not helping. Hopefully I'm wrong!

Depends what he did 🤷🏻‍♀️ the school has to be free to take whatever action it deems fit, in my view. Because a lot of kids don’t face any consequences or action (or even basic parenting) at home. Someone has to do it.

He is being excluded for a fixed term, not forever. He needs to change but it’s not that much of a big deal over an internal suspension for him (other than the school has to inform the LA). However, you need to support him to follow the rules and do as he’s told.

So he flat out refuses to go to school and then what?
It’s not optional, or an issue for negotiation. You can’t physically force him obviously but there should be consequences to that decision at home. Like removal of internet privileges,phone etc

Otherwise you’re just teaching him he can do whatever the hell he pleases with impunity - like leaving isolation and being ‘non compliant’ for example

Sorry OP, but he sounds very disruptive. I used to be a teacher and it was so frustrating how much the bad behaviour of one pupil would take up the whole class. I actually wish that more students were excluded than we did.

If your son was well behaved, would you be happy that his education was being constantly disrupted by the same few pupils? I bet you wouldn’t…

How old is he and are there any SEN diagnosed or suspected? It is possible school is trying to force the issue and get him on the path for extra support/EHCP. But ultimately, if he cannot cope with the school environment, exclusion will not be a punishment for him.

No one can comment unless we know, even vaguely, what the incident was. Of course school refusal and behaviour are connected. It’s all linked.

About the same time everybody even slightly different got branded as neurodivergent I daresay.

Have you read the school's behaviour policy and did your son's behaviour contavene it?

And what is his behaviour like at home?

Is there any chance he might have any problems - dyslexia, autism, anxiety, domestic abuse? DC2 was diagnosed with dyslexia at age 18 (after finishing school) and
ADHD at 19. I had no idea when they were in school and couldn't understand why they were having so many problems). You'd think they would have spotted they dyslexia but of the child is bright and the dyslexia is not severe, then it is hard to spot.

But sorry to hear you are going through this. How incredibly stressful. My main recommendation is to try and work out the cause of his behaviour. There will be a reason for it.

Obviously the school have to give consequences but is it actually a consequences for a child who isn't bothered about going to school anyway? Sounds like more of a reward, especially if consequences don't happen at home.

What he did is important here.

Well yes, but presumably the school are sick of dealing with the little brat and would like him to he his parents problem fur a while. Rather than the staff’s and all the other children

Its always upsetting to find your chikd excluded, even if its the right decision. But if its just a one off its not going to ruin his life.

Your school should have a behaviour policy on its website. It might also have a seperate exclusions policy.

If you look at this, it will describe the stages they should have gone through to reach this point. It might make it cleaer why walking out if lessons can seem to quickly escalate to exclusion.

The best thing to do now is work hard for this not to escalate further to a permanent exclusion. Persistent disruption behaviour is grounds for this so if it keeps happening it could be be evidence to permanently exclude.

Hes 14. Year 9. No diagnosed SEN, nothing on paper anyway. Ive asked before about anxiety and they said hes coping fine in lessons academically which i know doesnt mean everything. The incident was him swearing at a teacher and refusing to leave a classroom when told. He did eventually leave but only after being told twice and raising his voice. Im not pretending thats ok. Ive said that to him and he knows it. He has had detentions before and one short isolation last year but nothing like this.

At home he isnt like that. Hes moody, lazy, typical teen stuff and yes sometimes pushes back but hes not aggressive and doesnt swear at me. When he doesnt go to school he loses his phone and xbox. He knows that. I dont just shrug and let him stay home scrolling all day. I feel like people are assuming i do nothing and thats hard to read. School refusal wasnt my phrase btw thats what school use in emails. I call it him being a pain and not wanting to get up.

I do get that schools have to protect other kids and teachers. Im not arguing that. I just feel like the escalation was fast and not communicated properly. If id known him walking out of isolation was such a big deal id have dealt with it immediately. I found out today like it was already decided.

Ive read the behaviour policy and yes technically they can do this. That doesnt mean it feels proportionate or helpful. And no i dont think exclusion is a reward for him, hes embarrassed and angry about it and keeps saying everyone will think hes some kind of criminal. Maybe thats dramatic but hes 14.

Im not saying hes an angel and im not blaming the school for everything. Im asking if its unreasonable to feel like this wasnt handled well and that im being talked at rather than worked with. If the answer is yes then fine, i can take that.

please don’t dismiss neurodivergence. Being diagnosed with ADHD, autism etc is incredibly significant. You only get a diagnosis if you have had major difficulties. For example people with ADHD are known to be more vulnerable to domestic abuse and struggle more to escape, also more likely to be in prison or have drug, alcohol or addiction problems. It is often also harder to get a job and keep its There are also a number of very serious illnesses and health conditions that neurodivergent people are more prone to. For example ME/CFS, hEDS, MCAS, POTS, obesity to name but a few.

My daughter has been suspended several
times. One was for not doing the internal suspension ‘properly’

She is now diagnosed SEN.

Fair play to the school really, hopefully it will have the desired impact on him.

This. Every time I see a thread where people are complaining about a school you usually look to see the school were doing what any parent would hope they’d do to protect the education of the whole class.

I hope he learns from it.

I feel sorry for you OP. It sounds like your home life is tough.

What choice do they have but to escalate if he walked out of isolation. He refused to cooperate with the sanction so they move to the next step. The same thing happens in life outside school. If you refuse to pay a parking fine on time, the fine is increased!

Schools can’t (and don’t want to) suspend externally without a whole stack of evidence. He did something serious and failed the first consequence by failing to meet the standards set in isolation. I know it must be hard for you, but the best thing for him is to work with the school to support him in turning his behaviour round - he needs to take responsibility.

So generally walking out of isolation is a big deal because its showing contempt for a consequence, so you move up the ladder of consequences at the rate you ignor/defy them.

Ot can feel not fair or disproportionate but remember other chikdren are watching what happens. If they see isolation is optional then it is no longer a deterrent to them.

I have sympathy, sometimes schools do seem to escalate things that could be handled differently but I would encourage you to look at next steps rather than what happened.

If he feels embarrassed and angry then maybe it will help in the long run since it isn't something he will want to repeat.

Maybe that is why the school decided to escalate, because even in isolation he still misbehaved.

I think it's to do with the reason behind it.

My friends and I missed the school bus once. Decided to go to one of our houses for a bit and then go in for break time, missing first lesson. That was truancy.

DS is autistic and has EBSA/school refusal. When in school he can't participate, just stays in one of the quiet rooms with a trusted staff member. He was self harming last year due to anxiety around school and constantly talking about harming himself/wanting to die.