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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Old friends going a bit ' funny'

181 replies

Daygloboo · 27/01/2026 14:58

Not really AIBU. More a general question. I've had 2 very dear friends who go back years and years. One from school. One from later teenage years. Always had a great laugh, been on holidays, etc etc. Been geographically far apart for a long time but still met up occasionally, emails now and then, odd text here and there, few phone calls etc. But not constant contact as just too difficult to keep it up due to everyday life getting in the way and them living hundreds of miles away. ( They arent connected to each orher ). Then a couple of years ago I just noticed a sort of almost disrespectful lack of effort creeping in, which i found hurtful as we really had been very good friends. I know they werent getting demented or anything like that even though they are getting older, but they seem to be much more indifferent or almost disrespectful in their communication style than they once were. Sort of self - obsessed and wrapped up in themselves. It was never like that before. Anyone else had this ? Do such good friends really drop off and almost change character after so many years ? There has been no alienating ' event' or anything like that. Or did I not know the real them in the first place ? What are your experiences of this. It really is a bit confusing and upsetting as I have such fond memories.

OP posts:
Tadook · 27/01/2026 15:00

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NeelyOHara · 27/01/2026 15:00

What age are you?

Tadook · 27/01/2026 15:00

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BlueJuniper94 · 27/01/2026 15:02

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Yes I thought initially you meant too much GB news, but I'm not fully sure I follow - you might be right, but some specific examples would help us out

rockingroller · 27/01/2026 15:05

This is interesting, please give examples and also approximate ages.

MyOliveStork · 27/01/2026 15:05

If you are in or around your 50s I would say it’s quite normal. I think it’s a period of adjustment both physically, mentally and emotionally. I definitely have noticed that type of change with some friends but to be honest, I feel I am guilty of it as well.
Maybe next time you get together bring the subject up in a relaxed manner and see what response you get.
One of my younger friends is still very on the ball, and I am always laughing it off but also seriously trying to say, my memory seems to have turned to cotton wool, I am tired, I can’t be arsed to make as many plans to go out and remembering birthdays - absolutely beyond me!!!!

Daygloboo · 27/01/2026 15:10

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Well, texting they will.phone and have a catch up and then not following through but having sent xmas, birthday cards with very warm messages in. That sort of thing. Confusing.

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Tadook · 27/01/2026 15:13

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Daygloboo · 27/01/2026 15:14

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Warm messages but not following through on calling or texting and saying they have got to go out then not getting back etc etc. Very mixed messages. But im no different. Havent said or done anything different. Just dondered if people can go a bit funny later in life.

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Daygloboo · 27/01/2026 15:15

NeelyOHara · 27/01/2026 15:00

What age are you?

Late 50s

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Tadook · 27/01/2026 15:15

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Daygloboo · 27/01/2026 15:17

MyOliveStork · 27/01/2026 15:05

If you are in or around your 50s I would say it’s quite normal. I think it’s a period of adjustment both physically, mentally and emotionally. I definitely have noticed that type of change with some friends but to be honest, I feel I am guilty of it as well.
Maybe next time you get together bring the subject up in a relaxed manner and see what response you get.
One of my younger friends is still very on the ball, and I am always laughing it off but also seriously trying to say, my memory seems to have turned to cotton wool, I am tired, I can’t be arsed to make as many plans to go out and remembering birthdays - absolutely beyond me!!!!

Yrs im.wondering if it's that. A sort of malaise creeping in..I didnt expect it yet.

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ImSweetEnough · 27/01/2026 15:17

Personally I would be happy for them to drift away. Nothing more boring than self-obsessed people.

Daygloboo · 27/01/2026 15:20

BlueJuniper94 · 27/01/2026 15:02

Yes I thought initially you meant too much GB news, but I'm not fully sure I follow - you might be right, but some specific examples would help us out

😂funnily enough they have both gone more to the right but although they are different from me politically that was never an issue . We always had a laugh.

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Daygloboo · 27/01/2026 15:23

ImSweetEnough · 27/01/2026 15:17

Personally I would be happy for them to drift away. Nothing more boring than self-obsessed people.

Yeah lack of sharing and lack of ' back and forth' is tiring.

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Daygloboo · 27/01/2026 15:28

MyOliveStork · 27/01/2026 15:05

If you are in or around your 50s I would say it’s quite normal. I think it’s a period of adjustment both physically, mentally and emotionally. I definitely have noticed that type of change with some friends but to be honest, I feel I am guilty of it as well.
Maybe next time you get together bring the subject up in a relaxed manner and see what response you get.
One of my younger friends is still very on the ball, and I am always laughing it off but also seriously trying to say, my memory seems to have turned to cotton wool, I am tired, I can’t be arsed to make as many plans to go out and remembering birthdays - absolutely beyond me!!!!

Yes with one of them it could be thst they just cant do stuff anymore. I can see that. Thanks. What you said is helpful.

OP posts:
Rayburn · 27/01/2026 15:33

But now old friends are acting strange,

They look at me, they say I’ve changed…

Arcticsway · 27/01/2026 15:33

I don't think it's necessarily anything to do with age (although it might be). It's probably more due to the fact you rarely see each other, have grown apart and don't really know that much about each other's lives now. It sounds like you never even speak on the phone? I have friends I knew for 20 years but having not seen them for ten years (just cards and emails) most of the connection is lost. When they email I respond but I don't feel we are particularly close friends any more. I'm sure they feel the same.

Daygloboo · 27/01/2026 15:35

Rayburn · 27/01/2026 15:33

But now old friends are acting strange,

They look at me, they say I’ve changed…

Oh no. Dont. That's making me feel sad.

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 27/01/2026 15:37

Arcticsway · 27/01/2026 15:33

I don't think it's necessarily anything to do with age (although it might be). It's probably more due to the fact you rarely see each other, have grown apart and don't really know that much about each other's lives now. It sounds like you never even speak on the phone? I have friends I knew for 20 years but having not seen them for ten years (just cards and emails) most of the connection is lost. When they email I respond but I don't feel we are particularly close friends any more. I'm sure they feel the same.

Yeah maybe. But i thought we had enough close bonding experiences to know we get on and that that closeness and compatibility can be picked up at any time. But maybe not !

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Arcticsway · 27/01/2026 15:42

I was very close to two of the people I mentioned, but as the years go on I found the closeness ebbs away if contact is via email/text. You have to make a proper effort with phone calls and in person meet ups, which gets more difficult as time goes on (IME).

TheRealMagic · 27/01/2026 15:47

Are they both women in their 50s? There was a whole thread the other day of women saying that once they hit perimenopause they just stopped caring about anyone else (sometimes - but not always - with the exception of immediate family). Some described it as a sad thing, but many said it was an amazing liberation. Your friends may feel like this?

Manxexile · 27/01/2026 15:48

What is "an almost disrespectful lack of effort"?

I think "respect" and "disrespect" are too of the most overused and misused words in the English language.

Unless they are ignoring you and not replying at all, it's not disrespectful.

Lots of people don't send Christmas cards and birthday cards - even to family.

Millytante · 27/01/2026 15:51

TheRealMagic · 27/01/2026 15:47

Are they both women in their 50s? There was a whole thread the other day of women saying that once they hit perimenopause they just stopped caring about anyone else (sometimes - but not always - with the exception of immediate family). Some described it as a sad thing, but many said it was an amazing liberation. Your friends may feel like this?

>klaxon<
Peri alert!

Fodencat · 27/01/2026 15:51

I think as we get older we gain more insight due to life experiences. What I’d have (and did) tolerated in my 20s and 30s and even 40s I won’t any more. I look back and see the digs and bitterness from a certain “friend” has always been present on some level. I’m too old now for game-playing. I can see through what you’re trying to do. I’d rather just be left alone. I’m not saying this is what’s happening in your case btw OP x