He wants another child but at whose expense

[Chattypatty1]

my partner wants another child, we both work full time. His job is not flexible to do pick up and unexpected sick children but mine does.

He is saying we will make it work but at whose expense? He earns £1200 and I £2600 after tax pension etc. For us to make this even barely work it means no savings and any luxuries not even a Netflix subscription.

Am I being unreasonable or is he not realising the hidden jobs I do as a mum to keep us afloat?

I believe it will be me burnt out and bending over backwards to make it work not him.

Advice, opinions and experience would be great to hear. How am I supposed to navigate this ?

He must only work part time if he is earning £1200?

You just say no, you don't want another child. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents. You don't want one, for perfectly valid reasons. Therefore no child.

How is he working FT and taking home £1200? Isn’t this less than minimum wage?

Tell him if he wants a big family he needs to get a better job, or find one with flexibility to enable him to contribute to the logistics.

I’d say to him. ‘Yes of course, as long as you are the one to quit your job, do school pick ups and drop offs etc’.

Would he be the SAHP?

Does he work full time? £1200 take home is well below minimum wage.

Is there any capacity for him to increase earnings? I can’t see how he can stay in his current job and expect to have another child.

You need to sit down and run through the numbers.

Do you yourself genuinely want another child, independently of what your partner wants?

If you don't both genuinely and clearly want another, don't have another. If you do and you can see a clear way that the two of you can make it work, lay it out to him. If he's willing and able to make the necessary changes and you trust him to follow through based on what you've seen with your existing child(ren), then perhaps go ahead. And no, of course he doesn't understand the hidden jobs you do; if he did they would not be hidden (and they'd be shared).

So many questions

Why does he earn so little?
When you say another child, who already has children? Who looks after them when you both work full time?

How would you continue to both work full time with a baby?

Do you want another baby?

I’m pretty sure he’s working 35hrs Monday to Friday. But he always stays an extra 2 hours (unpaid). He works in a school but is not as a teacher. Think the pay reflects the half terms and holidays he dont work

Lo is in nursery at the moment but will be starting school next year. I do the pick up and drop offs as my work is a bit more flexible.

For the SAHD he won’t do that and I’m not giving up my career

This is a time for brutal honesty. ‘You don’t parent the child we have, you leave most of it to me, I won’t make the same mistake twice.’

@Brbreeze when I try to do this he gets extremely stressed and in this head space of he’s not good enough.

He just keeps saying he knows it will work out

@99bottlesofkombucha the problem is he helps but when he’s not at work. He doesn’t understand WFH he even said because I work from home he sometimes thinks I’m at home doing nothing and it’s become a running joke.

Ask him plainly how he proposes to pay for an extra child when he has no extra money coming in. It's a perfectly valid question.

Oh the 'we will make it work' chestnut, which we all know means that the way we'll make it work is that you will turn yourself inside out to sort it while he looks on from the sidelines.

He needs a better paying job.

Just no.
If he's not prepared to do half the work he doesn't get to choose. Sit down, whether he likes it or not and crunch the numbers... if you have to go on maternity leave your pay will dwindle nearer your return date, you'll need child care for the baby and you'll be expected to drop off and pick up from two separate places.
Also..whatever he does in school is not THAT inflexible. I've been a TA for 20 years and occasionally have had to leave to pick up my own sick kids, and it's the same for techs, caretakers etc.
On the plus side you presumably have no childcare issues in the holidays...he can do it all.
But if you are carrying the load, as most of us do, and don't want another child, that's it. Your body... most definitely your choice!

But why would he even think you would contemplate another child, when he doesn't respect you or your contribution, can't cope with the stress of earning more, and seems to have no theory of mind so that he doesn't understand that work and parenting happens when he's not present.

Does his school have an afterschool club which he could access for free? Does your little one spend all the school holidays with him? If so, his job will save you loads of money and stress later on. If not, it’s time for him to pull his weight financially.

He knows it will work out because you'll make it work!

My DH earns similar to yours and I earn slightly more than you. But the difference is, my DH works 4 days as we don't have childcare the 4th day. He's off today with our toddler and they've just gone off out to softplay and lunch while I WFH.

He does all school runs for his teen. He does the majority of pickup and dropoffs for extracurricular. We take turns in staying home sick with the kids... "I was home last week, it's your turn" or we discuss our roles that day to see who has the most on in work.

I still probably do most of the heavy lifting parent wise (night time wakes, groceries, financials, planning etc) but if I tell him I need him to do something he does it.

He ran up some debt stupidly buying things on a secret credit card and guess what... he went and got a PT weekend job to pay it off because he had to step up.

Your partner has no plan for another child bar it all.just magically working out because... he knows you'll do it all.

By the way, logistics aside, you haven't even said if you'd like another child which makes me lean towards you don't have a longing... so in that case it's a null point anyway as why would you go through pregnancy and labour and newborn and all the extra crap that another kid will bring if you don't even want one?

So HE wants another child. But HE who earns less won't be the SAHP.

HE can fuck right off would be my comment unless things drastically change

That’s like saying “oh Christmas always works out” when you don’t actually do any of it.

If you definitely don’t want another child just say that, and he can’t force you. If he keeps going on that’s abusive behaviour and I’d rethink he marriage.

If you’re happy to have another child but the logistics are the issue then give him the choice of “no” or else he is a SAHD to look after the child. Otherwise I won’t “work out”.

So does he do all the childcare in the school holidays whilst he is off? If so, that feels like a reasonable compromise in terms of supporting with childcare.

How much of a dealbreaker to him is it? You only have to see the frequent posts on here, usually by women, that they will leave their partner for the family size they want. So whilst you should never be forced to have a child you don’t want, if he is likely to leave to have a child elsewhere, make sure you protect what is yours and plan for that possibility (or eventuality, whichever it is).

Do you want a second child? If not then say so, and make sure you have excellent contraception.

Personally I’m very hesitant to have another child. I don’t want to sound selfish but I’ve worked so hard to get to my position as a mum in a company with hardly any parents. Why do I have to sacrifice treating myself because we have overstretched ourself with other child. Going on maternity leave will be stressful finically, it sounds more like punishment than an exciting moment.

If he is at home looking after your current DC for all the school holidays and half-terms, that is a massive contribution. Have you worked out how much money that is saving you in holiday childcare?
You are far better placed to have a second DC than parents who work all year round and would thus have to pay for two lots of holiday care for a decade or more.

Don't have another baby if you don't want one.
But don't underestimate his contribution, just because he isn't paid much and you do the drop-offs and pick-ups during term time.

He's behaving like a child thinking things will magically work out. A bit like blokes who think Xmas magically arrives. 🙄

Your body that will take the toll. Your physical and mental health. Not just pregnancy but beyond too. Plus you doing all the school runs.