He wants another child but at whose expense

[Chattypatty1]

my partner wants another child, we both work full time. His job is not flexible to do pick up and unexpected sick children but mine does.

He is saying we will make it work but at whose expense? He earns £1200 and I £2600 after tax pension etc. For us to make this even barely work it means no savings and any luxuries not even a Netflix subscription.

Am I being unreasonable or is he not realising the hidden jobs I do as a mum to keep us afloat?

I believe it will be me burnt out and bending over backwards to make it work not him.

Advice, opinions and experience would be great to hear. How am I supposed to navigate this ?

Is your DC a daughter by any chance? Is he one of those men who won't be happy until he has a son?

Both doctors and working FT. It is hard work. My husband does drop off (school/nursery) and I do pick up (school). It’s not just the dropping and picking up, it’s all the other stuff - laundry, home cooked food, reading etc. We don't have a nanny because the numbers don’t add up for us but I’m sure it would have helped!

He gets there for 8:30 - 3:30 and then stay until 5:30.

The money reflect tax and the pension he pays

You dont sacrifice.

You partner ( not husband? ) is working unpaid while neglecting his current child.

"When he is not at work" is doing a lot of heavy lifting there as its included the time working outside his contract.

If he wants another baby he needs to be willing to make changes.

Like trying to find a better paying job to cover the extra costs

Like a new job which will allow him to do childcare for his two children.

If you wanted a second child with this man you would be posting asking about you (and it would be you) could make it work.

If I could just be a mum I would have another with ease. But it’s the working mum that just makes me think burn out. I also don’t have the best heath so when I have flare ups I literally can just about move

Absolutely not OP - you will work yourself into the ground. It is simply not worth it at the moment unless you have ample, useful family support, a partner who is genuinely 50/50 in all aspects of domestic life and admin, or enough money coming in for one of you to stay at home. The burden of two children without any of this, and in the context of COL and general world disorder, is a maternal breakdown waiting to happen.

We had a childminder. DD was 2.5 when DS was born and the CM looked after her 4 days a week. I went back to work when DS turned 1. DD got 15 hours (or 30 can’t remember) a week at preschool at that point and CM dropped her off and did pick up. Then the following September she started school and the CM continued to provide wraparound for her whilst looking after DS 4 days a week. We paid between £1300 - £1500 a month during this period, the more expansive costs were obviously when she looked after both FT. At the time we were able to use childcare vouchers (they no longer exist for new applicants) which helped massively.

It was doable because we had a household income of about £100k and a low mortgage as we were in a tiny flat.

If your partner was prepared to be a SAHD so that you could continue to progress at work and increase your earning potential then I think you could just about manage. Babies are not too expensive in the first year and then would be fine on hand me downs from his/her sibling etc and you won’t have childcare costs. But if he insists he wants to work you will struggle financially because his salary is just too low.

However, laying aside the finances it doesn’t sound as if you want a second child and that on its own is enough of a reason not to. Your body = your choice.

To be fair, he is NOT good enough. An adult man with young children should be striving to do a hell of a lot better.

And if he gets paid until 3.30, he needs to leave at 3.30. The extra 2 hours every day are 2 hours he is taking from you.

We have decent husbands. Yours isn't doing the bare minimum.

8.30-3.30 is not a 35 hour week, unless he actually gets paid for his 30 min lunch break ? it's a 32.5 hour week and that will account towards his alleged £1200 pay

I've worked in schools for 15 years, and I can tell you that TAs do not have to stay late and are not expected to. All the TAs I have ever known are out that door at 3:30 or 4, depending on their contract. Additional hours need to be logged and signed off. If they are not prepared to pay him overtime, he can't be expected to do it. If he feels he needs to , he needs to have a discussion with his line manager about what he can get done within his contracted hours.
TAs are not teachers, they have contracted hours.
If he is not prepared to do have the discussion, then he is not giving you the commitment to looking after the children that you need. Of course it is difficult, and some people find it hard to have the confidence to insist on their rights. I suspect he is one of these. Some SLT do make it uncomfortable for staff to take time off, but it doesn't mean parents can't take time off to care for their own sick children. He should join a union if he has not already done so.
But the bottom line is that either he agrees to share sick days etc with you or he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
And of course, if you don't want another baby, you don't have to have one.

Well that’s just peachy. Ask him if he also knows the winning lottery numbers because the only way this will work out is if you have a healthy bank balance and can give up work forever and a day.

he needs a reality check - he thinks you do nothing all day yet bring in more than twice he does? He could finish work in time to do the pick up but is choosing not to

crossing your fingers and hoping it works out is what you do when you are a child. He needs to grow up and understand if he wants something to work out he actually has to do the work and not expect mummy to pick up the pieces.

given you also have a health condition then it is also selfish to put you through a pregnancy

I haven’t RTFT but I’ve done all the jobs in a school, from LSA, cover to teacher, and your DH is not being honest with you. Teaching is the only thing that would require him to do extra hours beyond the odd staff meeting. He absolutely could finish at 3.30pm and do pick ups. He is choosing not to and lying to you…

Why would he give his work 2 hours of free labour a day, when they won’t even give him any flexibility when his child is sick?

Why isn't he doing pick ups?

With a partner who doesn't do fuck all with the children we have already, whilst bringing in much less than minimum wage

He needs to get a properly paid job, he can't just tit about at his own whim on peanuts and play the victim if you point out that's the problem.

You need to ask yourself why you are even thinking about sacrificing anything for a man who sacrifices absolutely fuck all for you.

I've not sat down in about 18 years.

I don't think I've ever seen motherhood summed up so succinctly 😂

When I was a teacher at secondary, our Pupil Support Assistants were keenly aware of how underpaid they were and there is no way that they would have worked an extra 10 hrs a week for free.

Your husband needs to start putting his family first.

Or just the small matter of not being the one carrying the baby, with all the actual and potential negative health consequences!

@RomeoRivers really? He says he’s finishing off work. He is doing write ups about the children and having chats with the teachers he needs to talk to about children who need extra support. He looks after the inclusion unit

I did think it was strange and I did tell him to be mindful people may wonder why he’s staying around. But he kinda said it’s normal practice at his place of work

is this not normal then ?

Thank you for saying this.

As I said above, our PSAs wouldn't have dreamt of giving the LA free labour.

No is a full sentence OP. Even if the fact that it’s your body was the only reason, it would still be enough, and it sounds like you have plenty reasons to be one and done. You can’t afford it and it would be you experiencing the lions share of the stress it would involve.

He looks after the Inclusion Unit?

Okay...My experience is Scotland, but - at best - it sounds as though your husband is being taken for a ride. A TA should not be responsible for this.

ETA It's just about possible he's been sucked into the "But it's for the good of the children!" culture.

As I said previously, he needs to start putting his own family first.